Bed time

Im going to hit the hay right now. Well in a bit. Today was different. After Justin left i went to the wight room then kicked to the ball around. Left to peters house later on that night, then went to daniels where they had a big toxic bonfire. And they peed on it so i smelled like burnt piss.. what i day. Im excited for tommorrow. Hopefully i can make it to the city with my new friend :)

i just realized someone indirectly made me write for them on a place that i defined my own. Nobody has really done that to me before

I can't title thoughts anymore

I feel horrible, i don't know why, i mean im not ditching anybody, my parents won't let me go. I've ditched my friends before (mistakes i regret) and ive never felt this bad? what is it within me that makes me feel so low. To leave a new close friend at home.

I want to be this person, this person, this me? Maybe i'm already that guy and i'm just to blind to see that truth ahead of me. I think ive been making steady progress with my own thoughts and ideals. Yet i still feel so far away from reaching my goals. Stress without a reason, I didn't think i could meet anyone that would be able to calm me. Calm me from  Julia. Release me of my inner thoughts so maybe my inner thoughts could be shared. But more importantly release me from myself. This new feeling, its not an exaggeration of the truth, infact its the truth itself that brings me hear. Truthfully, i don't remember feeling this happy in a long time. With someone i just met.

I've learned new things. Things she thought would scare me away, at first i thought id be scared too. But i wasn't scared at all, infact i felt closer.. if that sounds wierd to you i dont care. For her i want to, rather im going to be there for her. There is no curse set on anyone, and if its on you. Id share it with you. She is the true proof of existence. Its wierd, she is the definition of the very words i follow. 212, live, love and learn. I know im not the best guy out there, but i want to be there for someone who might need me, for someone that i need. It all happened kinda of quicked. But ive opened up to someone that ive basically just met.

I dont open up to anyone, im use to saying unethical things, so people misjudge and think im something else. So they don't look at me and think of me as pathetic for thinking the way i do. Like the way im thinking right now. This comfort, that sensation in the pit of my stomach. Telling me to stay.

I realize why i all of a sudden felt like going to Greg's little sausage fest movie night. Something made me, maybe just that will to hang out with close friends. Maybe the answer to my prayers. Ive been praying for just anytihng a sign, somebody, maybe just a flower anything, to show me that someone does care ( besides some of my best buds) but shares thoughts with me. Won't make me do tons of work just to hang out with her. Because i realize now id do it myself. My sign, was met that night. I was suppose to be there because I was suppose to meet this new friend of mine. I know now that im suppose to follow my gut and stay around her. Not because im lonely or stupid. But because i know that she was brought to me, or rather i was led to her because i truly needed her. '

Fate or not, life just keeps suprising me. I will continue on my path, setting my own stones. and hopefulyl this time. I have a close friend that will set hers together with mine. So maybe in the future i can return the favor, because You have helped me more then i could probably understand. And i want to do the same for you.





I know life isnt a fairy tale.. but i want maybe for just once. To help make someones better. I'm not saying i want to be around you because i feel bad. but I want to be around because i like to be around you. Im still trying to find myself, admist my own problems. But i want to leave you with a message. That no matter where you go, even if you forget me and lose me in memories. I'm always going to be here willing to listen and comfort you like you have done for me. There are no strings attached, because i dont do that to close friends, when they need help. I want you to realize that even if im not that guy in silver armor on a white horse, i want to try to make it so you won't have to fake a smile. I know you have friends back home who may listen. But i want to listen to. Home is where people think of you. Where your heart is. I hope you accept us as maybe your second home

Im scared of what im thinking, i dont want to be left alone again. I don't want to be sucked in to another situation that i cant work my way out of again. I still don't fully understand why this " silly new girl" happens to be the person I can open up to so easily. But im ok with it, she has a name, with real thoughts and emotions i can relate to. 

I tried to write this for you, but it turns out more of a self help for myself. I apologize if you think my thoughts are ugly, but i find yours beautiful.

Proof of Existence

Full of energy, excitement, i feel like proclaiming my joy to the world. Why so? What brings forth such animation in my feelings and thoughts. Well. Really there is many things 


It started as soon as break started. My grades didn't turn out as i wanted, or how i worked, So i went into thinking. I understand my faults and i want to continue on my ultimate goal. Because in the end school is just a stepping stone that will set me up so i can get a job that pays well and won;'t be boring for the rest of my life. 


The realization of the feelings of others. The actuality of what is going on, that correct answer to what is being felt. I didn't really get my answer yet i got it. " I accept that you don't like me, But i don't accept the pain" is what i said to her. I finally understand my mistakes and what i must to build off that, and move away from the very person who will continuously ignore me. I really do accept the the "fate" or our ending. It seems i don't get that famous disney ending, but maybe something better. And that better is something ill build off of after correcting the final thoughts on this certain matter.


Basically I really will do what it takes, and it seems a lot easier then before, to get rid of this sort of curse on my heart. I finally understand, and can wield my knowledge and release it upon the real world. At last i have suceeded in something other than chores.


I met someone new :) . A friend of sorts, a good friend indeed. It hasnt been long since we met, but she just fits right in, like kind of a " too good" in like we have all know her for a long time. We click, like how i constantly click on the mechanical pencils while taking a test, and the eraser is sort of chaffing from the constant clicking of the pencil, until i realize what is before me and stare up at what has been given to me in awe and wonder. How could i feel like this? towards someone i barely know? Am i awake? i have to be, my cat is still biting my leg. Goosbumps, slight tickling in my stomach, why now? why?


What has come upon me, this new friend is my friend? Truly amazing, could fate have brough us together? I don't fully beleive in fate, but in a way i'm certain we were suppose to meet, certain that you would help ease the pain unknowingly on my side, and maybe i would help ease yours. It's crazy, thoughts, proof of thoughts.



"LIFE is my PAINTING. i am the artist. i am the color. i am the lines. i shape every moment. yes i have help along the way, people can help me create an idea, but i choose with lines to draw, which color to fill. people judge the PAINTING im creating. they think its not good enough or i dont have the will to finish it. yes there are days where i think i cant go on, but im determined to finish my PAINTING how i see fit. ill make mistakes and wish i can erase, but thats not the joy of LIFE...of my PAINTING. in LIFE you cant erase, so why would you on a PAINTING? mistakes are the things you learn from and grow from, everyone makes them. some are harder on themselves about their mistakes and constantly think less of their PAINTING. i enjoy the mistakes ive made. i dont wish to erase, cause if i erased those mistakes i wouldnt be the person i am today, the strong willed person that gets me through the tough times, the wise person who knows right from wrong, the person who stands with their feet ever so firmly on the ground. everyone has their own PAINTINGS. a PAINTING is a story, how you wish to see things or to experience things or finish or make a goal. a PAINTING is the artists eyes on paper, the way they see the world. LIFE is a PAINTING, draw and color how you see fit. im creating my PAINTING. and no matter what anyone says, my PAINTING...my LIFE is a masterpiece. its my masterpiece." --Kailine


Pure, utterly words spewed from the confines of another person, This is the proof of existince, the proof that someone out there thinks, breathes and talks of pure emotion, with thought. Words from the Heart that i still try to write myself, i analyze i overthink, i tihnk to much, but i still think. That is the basis of it all, Raw thought. Katie brings raw heart with thought to the table, completing my own thoughts. IT's crazy. like i said this click is out of control. I can't put a word on what i feel right now, I guess im sad because her stay is short, But overyjoyed with just the slight thought of someone who can relate to me. My christmas came true, even if she goes home, and forgets about me. At least i know, at some point in time, someone was able to fully relate to me, Infact i dont want to lose that.


Everything good is happening so fast its amazing. I stop looking and it starts happening. Incredible, its outstanding i cant exlpain what i truly feel right now. This is true inner beauty, i think maybe i truly have found it for the time being, but ill keep my gaurd up just in case. Yet i feel like i can let it down, just this once.




Its utterly amazing, I feel like i can't get all my thoughts down, because im just so overwhelmed. So ill end it like this.



A worm is a worm because it rejected the human form, the form we are known to be in, What are different forms of humans? they cant be classified as humanoids? maybe there not human at all? To exist one must coexist with others, and with this coexistence there is often problems, through problems we learn or we don't. We form natural boundries from where we speak of us truly, and speak of lies, We tell lies to make things easier. I tell the truth so the truth can be said, I realise that to keep the car going u cant run out of gas and u cant crash. If you crash u can get your car rebuilt. Life is like a car, we need to be refuueled taken care of, if we crash we have to get back up to survive. All things made by human hands can be used as an analogy to humans themselves. Live can be a like a blender, constontly choping the facts and truth, or a microwave heating up the situations and serving them up too hot. Maybe a freezer? cold dull, boring. All possibilities. And to continue on with life, i will continue to choose my own paths, maybe if im lucky YOU!, will choose the cabinets with me, so we can open up to each other and share our own thoughts and ideals. Or maybe you will choose the pencil with me, so we can continue writing our story together.


Its corny but its true
The choice is yours.
This is the Proof of Existence... free will, feelings, emotions, spontanious arrival of new people, the arrival of an "old friend".. living life itself

jumbled

I don't really know. I've been really happy actually. I just feel like i need to touch the ball a bit more, maybe go for a jog like around 7 or 8 cuz ive been waking up at 10 to do it.
I feel lazy but thats really what break is for, But i can't be lazy if i want to make that gold team. Like i said i've been really happy, just letting go of the all the hate that i had towards someone who probably wouldnt acknowledge me. Pathetic on my part, but im glad i realize now what my mistake was, so i don't continue to follow the human condition to some extent, Essentially i think that we ourselves, are just animals. Well that is basically what we are, but we throw away our natural instincts for what we perceive as "law and order". In many ways this is bad, considering that a lot of our actions are based of emotions that people (especially myself) tend to hide. Because of our emotion based actions it's good that people can control themselves in some shape or form.

For some reason i still continue to hide those emotions? Why? Is it because that I'm just so use to not telling anyone anything?

The low humm of the dishwasher was sort of calming. Actually it was very calming. I sunk into the off purple couch, and found myself in a midsleep sort of state. I could hear everything that was going on the talking, the scrubbing of the kitchen floor, my friends hard asthmatic breathing. I literally faded into the couch, i took in all the sounds, thuoghts jumpling around my head, and formed an image of myself. Rather i formed images of myself. What i use to be, what i could be, what I dream to be, What i want to be, the worst in me, the good in me, myself in others eyes, myself in your eyes, myself in the mirror, myself with friends, myself with family. In five minutes of just sitting on a couch, i compiled a set of images. Images of what i may be me. I dont know what to do with those images, but i feel like knowing what i can or can't be limits/ sets a bar for me to break. Seeing possibilities kind of gives me a boost of self worth or value.

I really can't think right now. I'm dead tired from all the hanging out and workout stuff. maybe ill pick up on my thoughts in the morning

Open

I'm such a fucking idiot. What school would except a 3.0 GPA. I Got lazy, and restless. I thought i could withstand the stress of the serious famiyl problems I don't talk or type about in this little blog of mine. I Let everything get to me, what i don't have, what i want to have, the fact that i can never staisfy my hunger to get better (when can i just be happy with myself). Truthfully, for the longest time, Julia has been holding me back too. It's not that she herself was doing it, in fact really i should be blaming myself, she just happens to be the face that comes to mind when I'm just thinking. Or the name i almost write when writing my name on the top right hand corner of my class assignments.

Not only do i have a horribly fucking low GPA i continue to just disgust myself. I'm not acceling in soccer, i'm not as good as i want to be, Brandon got better by himself. Why can't I? It's only natural that i'm mad at myself for failing at my goal, but i'm afraid even if i do good on this next semester i won;t please myself. I mean theres a chance that if i kick my ass Second semester and get that 4.1 I will actually feel good. But knowing how i think, i always want to be that much better, If i get a 4.1 i would say something like " i should of taken more honrs and AP classes".

I'm really stressed out. This break i should take the time and focus on family. The people who will call back when i call them. Ask if im feeling well. Carry me when im falling like now, and love me when i love them. I'll take this break and use up every second and squeeze time until break ends. So when i'm back at school. I'm prepeared to take on a harder new year, and achieve and reach that goal. So i won't slack and get anything below a 4.0. I'm such an idiot. Well thats what i feel like. I will also take this break, to get over her and move on, Actually try this time. Pain is indeed inevitable, as are mistakes. But the misery and the learning only comes from me. To end my pain i have to get over her, over someone who doesn't even have feelings for me, someone im too attached too. I must learn from my mistakes and take what i learned and apply it to the real world. Use my resources more, study , sleep , eat , work out, stay in shape, go kick the ball, talk To " Young Uh" ( new nickname nobody will know) maybe go to the movies with her, Do my laundry, Live Love . and more importantly 212.

To all those i have treated unfairly. Cruel. I am a jerk. And i do recognize that i am mean. Infact out of everyone im Sorry Christain, you always put up with me. Allison C. , ehh your not so bad anymore forgive me. Julia: i guess everything in a sense is my fault, i know not all of it is, but i have been contiously mean to you only thinking of how i feel, I guess in a way i think like you sometimes. Daniela: we havent hung out in awhile, im still mean to you, but im a jerk and your a jerkl back thats how we role ahah.TTAD: For leaving you guys, forgetting who my friends are. Mom and Dad for not appreciating you enough. For all the new friends i've been born into, Kevin, Nick, Ari , Gaby, Ann, Brett, Peter (once again), Patrick, Matt, Kameron, ( THE WHOLE DAMM H.A.C.) and Alan, Greg, Aman, Vincent, Rissa, Convey, Miggy (COME BACK). You guys are hell of funny, and i promise to treat you guys good as long as were hanging out. and you guys stop leaving me at lunch and pizza pirate!


This break is the starting point for a hopefull new and improved Tai Aczon. New years Resolutions are going to be met this new year.

In my head there are thoughts, ideas, plans. On my bones there are tools, ready to carry out those ideas. Inside me, past my heart and into my true being, the one only seen by those who know me best, Is the man I'm going to be. The man that doesn't need to be explained to anyone because through the actions he takes people know him. They see him and see the good in him.He's not perfect. He's a leader. A man ready to take on challenges like he used to. I lost that man amidst all the stress and turmoil. I'm going to bring him back.

Tai Aczon IS coming BACK.

Today

" ....It makes me want to fall in love again..."

I dislike living in a world where i coexist with someone who will continuously render my thoughts useless. Making me feel like it's my fault without even saying a word or looking at me. Telling me that she doesn't care. I guess i was just another "relationship". I continue to act dumb and do stupid thing, not because i like to all the time. But, so maybe im not unhappy all the time, sitting around doing nothing. I have finals, and i have to focus.
Ill treat my emotions and like you treat me, Ill put them off to the side, and let them gather dust. Until there to weak to really be seen or heard. Thats the problem with you though. I'm going to be heard this time.

Wish me luck in chem and us history finals

awake... but dead

I'm awake now. I dreamt of war. A self made war.

The bombs dropped and i continued to run with my friends. We jumped and scurried along the cold soft earth as endless rain continued to clean us of our wrongdoings. Boom and explosion, i was sent flying , no feeling. Am i dead? Maybe it would be better if i was, no more pain. No worries. I look up the bombs are still flying...am i in hell? the rain continues to pour and it slaps me in the face as if to wake me up. I sat up in the trench and found a splinter in my knee. wood or metal the splinter in my knee was giving me un imaginble pain, yet... i got up stumbling forward after the prize. The prize of the secret cave of airplanes. The prize of coming home and being able to hold my family close. The grand prize of being able to see you one more time. I kept on tumbling staggering up the steep incline with the agnozing pain in me knee messing with my vision. The green on the trees seemed to be withering away in the silence of bombs dropping and led pumping. My vision blurred and i found myself awake in a cave. I'm alive. U.S. airplanes came swooping by killing off remainding enemy soldires. I look over the battlefield and i saw what should not be seen. Thousands upon thousands of dreams, hopes. Lay dormant.. no.... gone while lying in any way. Face up face down, no head, half a head, blood everyywhere, in the river, completely oblitered in blasts. thoughts and ideas that come before death sought refuge and took shelter within me. In that second a mere second of looking out there. I cried, i threw up blood, i was going to live, but i threw up blood for my comrades. My friends, my enemies who died in this war. We found a working plane and i passed out while hoppping onboard. I awoke with the splinter still in my knee, we made it back to our headqaurters. Just then, i saw more recruits coming along. My very friends from benicia. I YELLED SCREAMED, NO. They looked at me like i was crazy, i was still vomiting a bit of blodd. I lost...


all a dream..

Internally this is what is going on inside me. this is both a dream and my feelings right now.

Except only the people reading this would know that.

Rain

Today was a day. But i guess in a way different. Went to Sarah's house and just chilled there. Had a little bit to drink but nothing big, i don;t like to get drunk, nor have i really ever, nor at the time i spent there did i ever get drunk. As soon as i stepped into the bright house, my friend comes stumbling over to me with a big welcoming hug. ahah what a friend indeed. Later on i guess uknowingly (or being kinda dumb ) she invited julia and her friend trent over.
Being the idiot i am i didn't know how to deal with it this time. Rather, i didn't want to deal with it this time. I was inches a way from wielding my hate and anger. Moments away from releasing my world hate upon my unlucky victim. What keeps me from doing this? is it my common sense, my will to do whats right in situations that are above regular ones? Is it because i want to see the roses stay glued upon her cheeks as i continue to hurt myself? Is it because im to weak? Am i a failure? Do i have what it takes to bring myself above and beyond, actually reaching my own expectations.

I perceive this whole situation in the same light i perceive everything else, thats the downside to how i tihnk. When it comes to my problems i can't use my omniscient views. I can't see a;ll angles but my own unless i keep my cool. But this time i didn't, I wasn't drunk, i wasn't high. I was just trying to control everything that i hold back from myself and others. I don't understand what draws me too someone who will tell me something that makes me feel like the world. Then leaves me out to dry and the rain with someone "new". Why do i continue to stay back at home base, when everyones making it around twice. " Everyone has that somebody.. but you have to get over it, move on and make a new one"- Jaun carlos.

He said that to me. in that same monotone voice that he speaks when he's tired, or thinking of something else to see. But it came out so natural, i could tell he wasn't try to screw me over or anything. Maybe i'll try harder and follow those words. 

I stepped outside into the dark. The only lights that showed me my long walk to the sidewalk were the dim house lights, and the long wooden Light pole that had spiderlike telephone wires sprouting from it's head. The rain was drizzling, caressing my skin like a cat rubbing up against your leg for some food. It began to get stronger, it had a heartbeat, pulsing its tone throught my body. The rain itself was a being and entity, trying to share it's emotions with me, tell me that it was crying too. The rain got harder and i began to see the cracks in the street slither  their way across the crosswalk, like little roots to the light post. My emotions became more jumbled and the magnitude of them increased as the rain began to pour. The very foundation on which i stood on began to rattle under the roar of the rain. At times the rain would slow down like my thouhgts. Then explode like my feelings and begin to pour again. I was getting colder by the minute.. I saw my light, the cracks didn't seem like roots anymore, but just ordinary cracks. I looked up one last time and bid the rain farewell and entered the artificial warmth of my car. I looked outside and the rain contiued to pour harder as if it was sad i was leaving. I was sad too. Standing out there i exchanged feelings with something that probably didn't even exist. Yet in those 15 minutes of standing in the rain, i began to think, like before, just notice the little things, like pink flowers that would grow down the street, or how the leaves on the wet pavement seemed to turn into a oatmeal like substance. Little Useless observations that make thinking a neccesity rather than a bore.

Yet i still feel unnacomplished, like i failed, like i can't get over someone who can easily leave me behind. I want to be able to live a normal highschool life, date girls, party, get good grades. Without you constantly on my mind.  I'll have to continue to learn live and love. with 212 in my head and heart. Taking the tough road is the only way i know how to go.

So i bid you farewell, just like the ran, I'm still sad.

bleh

Got a cold. bored right now. bout to go head out to J.D's and study. then probably sarah's to chill for a bit. I'm bored out of my mind right now. What's keeping me from the world?

what am i

The life in which i've come to bear in my weak hands seems to be slowly sifting through my fingers. The fabric of reality comes to a close when i plug in my headphones and let the Dubstep's bassline pump my mind from my body. I keep say unethical things so maybe people WON'T see whats truly inside my head. My inner self, my ego isn't their. I don't have confidence in virtually anything i do, but im able to effectively cover it up every time. I guess it's been working well, but i wonder how much longer i can keep up the charade, how much time will  squander away lying to myself.

I'm restless in a way. I'm tired of letting myself seek deeper into someone, but only to have my eyes blocked again. Why do i continue on in this cycle of repetition. Is this the human way that is so broadly used in many novels out there. When im long gone, will i just be another story? I can't begin to comprehend that reality of who i really am, because i hate the person im being. I truly dislike what i am becoming, i don't have the ability to just keep on going like nothings wrong.

Depth is only measured by what people see, and in myself i see a shallow puddle. Nothing special, infact i see in that puddle some dirt from people stepping in it, maybe some trash that people left in the puddle because their too lazy to throw it away. that uknown rainbow colored oil that continues to thicken and darken the puddle. I guess what that puddle is, is the person i feel like im looking at in the mirror. The truth is, i hate myself to an extent where i don't beleive i have the power or strength to do anything about anything.


Pathetic yes. Poetic no. Simply i don't care what most of you think of me right now. Because the puddle is already as vile and disgusting as it's going to get. That's what i truly, sincerely see in myself. everything i said that contradicts what i say now, was an illusion. used to keep my thoughts from myself and all of you readers.

When

When is it my turn to be happy. Not just with girls and all that jazz. But with myself and my accomplishments? I'm always pushing myself to be better, viewing myself as not good enough. But that very strength is my weakness.

60 Days...

Im a little out of shape. Barely able to run, maybe it's the weather? or maybe im sick? either way, i could barely finish two 400 meter runs on an all out sprint. Soccer endurance is fine just track endurance is crap.

Well i guess i'll spill it. 60 days and i may not be here anymore. 60 days and i may not be at bhs. 60 days i wont be able to ignore. 60 days of constant fear. 60 days of endless amounts of tears. My chances of stay here are 50/50. My life here counts on a percent that can only be changed by us as a family. My dad is having a tough time with life. I guess it's that whole mid life crisis deal everyone hears about but ignores until it hits them. He hasn't been doing so well in work and  the basically said he has 60 days to pull it together or else he's fired. I won't lie i really am terrified. This life ive grown accustomed to hinges on the decision of one man alone. But i will be by him every step of the way. Even if that means failure. I'll fail with him. But i never give up. Thats my way. I'll pick him up along with myself. As a family i hope we can strive through this and acheive our goal. My dad isn't perfect, but he IS among some of the greatest men i know. I hold him with the greatest medal of honor that can be given, my dad. I dont know what to do really. I feel sort of in a postition were it's in a way my fault, maybe i should of been a better son, brother , friend.

60 days and ill  have the answer. Within those 60 days well find that answer and make our reality come true. In 60 days we wont be worrying about 60 days anymore. Because 60 days will pass and i beleive we will triumph.

A wink.

HOW can i BE such and IDIOT. What has come over me to allow such a stupid gesture to realease itself from this mask. When i winked that face that came after, the alarm, the response to my actions made me feel worse than any of you could feel. I;m not saying people don't feel bad. This feeling i have, of failure, of not being at the top tier, being an idiot is in fact something we all feel at one time. But the actual feeling itself disperses differently in every person. I'm really scared to do anything right now, i don;t want to see the tilt of those eyes. and the clasping of the mouth across ones face like that. EVER. How can i live with myself. I mistreat my friends, and yet i continue to live? What is it in me that makes me beleive that for just a second, JUST ONE SECOND, that i could possible be happy with what i am and do.

Im no where in life, im 16 still finding my own way. Still paving and setting down stones that i can look back on, Yet i bring forth these bad parts in me and show them to the world. Internally i see my mistakes, but i can't fix them. Is this the irony of humanity, when pandoras box was opened, is this the demon of inevitability that is spoke of. knowing that you'll make a mistake but not being able to stop it at times. i want to go back and keep myself from closing one eye. So maybe i won't feel like such an imbecile. Right now i hate myself more than i usually do on a day to day basis. Nothing you say or do will change my views unless it's some life story that has brought about some sort of significant change in your life or others. I am a completer idiot and i don;t think i will stop being one. Im just as ignorant to the truth as most people, the only difference is i seek the truth.

Maybe i should be happy where i am? just accept what i have? understand that i won't be able to hold what once held me close?

But that wouldn't be me at all. i wouldn't improve on any subject, and the way of Tai "212- plus one" handed down by coach rory to me would be a waste. I want to much, but if anything i wish, hope, dream, and i will work for what i once had. I know you don't read these meaningless posts. But regardless of what people think or say about whatever i feel. i guess.. well i know. That I love you.

weekend recap.

Not a bad weekend, hung with the guys most of the time, and worked out. just a quick recapp (if quick means maybe long if i feel long it, then quick it is)
 Friday was the tree lighting. it was pretty boring and i seemed to run into her quite a bit. I thought i was going to hang out with someone but i guess it never happened. I kinda expected her not to come, but i guess thats just how it goes. There was a fight i didnt see, but rumors going around the kids in the hospital, and im pretty sure he is after getting curbstomped, i have nothing against any of the people. But what was their true reason to fight? Why go and half kill some guy? to be hard? in a town like benicia? go back to your remedial schools and learn at least some common sense. Now if he killed your family or someone close to you, i feel it. But don't go around causing more pain and turmoil in this already tainted world.
           
        " A nigger isn't just black, they can be white, mexican or even asain. a Nigger is an idiot ignorant to the world" - Kamerons dad. ahha hell funny way to meet someones dad but he put it well

Saturday was gaby's "suprise birthday". we kidnapped her from costco ( me, wheat flakes, Cuddie Convey - ahah, and Petree) threw her in the car and drove over to pasta pomadoro and had dinner. well i didnt feel like paying so i just ate bread the old time AHAH. Hey it was pretty good though. So Tyler showed up with Ris and Nikki. wierd as hell, On top of that i guess tyler was told not to talk to us or he wouldnt get a ride home. and i guess nikki found out where we were from kameron and were going to eat dinner in the same restaraunt to cause problems. Ann was going to freak out like usual so it's a good thing they left. Tyler shoulda kicked it with us, but i dont blame him, he wouldnt of had a ride home. We all went to target afterwards then split up after target to go home. Ari's group dropped gaby back home while Cuddie Conveys (name is still funny) group took us to wheats where we chilled and watched the ring for a bit.

Sunday was just another homeowkr day, i worked out for a bit to but nothing special


after thoughts: i kinda wish i could of ddone something to help her not change the way she did. as long as she is truly happy i'll be fine too. I plan to tell her what i hold on her, but not what your thinking. I mean as in telling her what i tihnk. Not what she should do, but what i beleive to be bad. But if she doesnt like the words i sound out to her, and takes it the wrong way. i WILL feel horibble. I guess she finally understands that power she holds over everyone. As long as the smile is taking up her whole face like usual, i think ill continue nudging her in the right direction. Ill follow the path i pave. If im lucky she'll pave hers next to mind. But i won't cry if she doesn't.

Just stop and think

I know it sounds pathetic. But i feel very alone here, i have all these great friends. infact ive conquered the clique scenario, i can chill with anyone. Yet i still feel  detached from everyone, like im the only one, when i know that im really not. I really feel like less of a person just coming up here and typing this out for people to see, but i don't want to talk about it. So this is the only way i can really indirectly tell people things aren't right inside me. One of the few ways i can convey to MYSELF that im not ok. I can't lay my finger on the problem and it's beginning to corrupt my inner self. Im making the person i deceive people with the real me. I'm becoming illiterate when i say things, and im slowing the pace of my own personal growth. Misconceptions of what i say and do are not helping either. Things i try to say are jumbled in a bunch of nosnense that means nothing to anyone, not even me.

I really do like this one person. I really truly do, and i'd like it to stay hidden. Even if she knows already i don't want her to have the confirmation from me that i actually do. It's kind of embarrasing with me. I know that she probably thinks im wierd, on account of that fact that i HAVE been acting like a FREAK lately. I don't really know whats come over me. Death means nothing and life is just the day to day nothingness that i try to fill with fake words and fales demeaning accusations to people. I want to act normal again , but i guess i need to talk to someone about me true feelings. Maybe it's about time i let her know that i really deeply care for her no just as someone i like, but as a friend. and even if she doesn't care back. As long as she has that blazing white smile continues to sear the sky, and her glassy brown eyes continue to reflect the true inner beauty that im only beginning to find. I'll be as happy as i can be at this moment, even if happiness is a dull wind blowing through the trees ill deal with it and take what i got. Because that's what a true friend is, someone whos there even when you DON'T need them.

Alot of people probably are thinking who this is, or maybe they already know? Maybe people don't care at all. But the truth is i don't like anyone for a sole reason. Even if you JULIA GODDAM HAMILTON think i like someone for a single aesthetic reason, thats not the case. Your wrong, you call me shallow when you assume that i've told you everything. But, i havent scratched the surface, just run me over with your car if it's bothering you at all. Because im sure you would have no problem. I sort of envy this new girl, i mean, even though everyone has drama she came out on top. Maybe shes making mistakes, but eventually we all learn. She's is sort of the definition of what i have been looking for. Yet what im looking for is not attainible with this doll im confined within. I sort of wish i could take the name tag off and let loose all the anger and hate i have towards others, and let the adulation and benediction slowly free itself. I really do view myself lower than maybe what i really am, but sometimes i can't really see that. My standards for myself far exceed what other people hold for me and thats how i suceed, but it;s where i fail constantly also.

Caught myself babbling again. and itls pretty late. My last thought: When is it my turn to achieve, maybe im not working hard enough. But that's what my philosophy is all about. When u have nothing, dig deep and pull out strong. Sucess comes from the very definition in which i seem to dislike and like at the same time. Work. I guess when it comes down to it, if i want to stop wallowing around in my own self created tear circle i'll have to work out of it. Thinking helps a lot. People should try it more often. goodnight

It's been awhile since..

It's been awhile since i last posted anything. Break is officially over and in less then half an hour its going to be another dreaded monday with school. Break was alright, i mean i worked out hard for a couple of days took my lazy days for thanksgiving. then worked out hard after wards, I babysat till wednesday, so that killed a lot of my fun. Basically my thanksgiving break was not fun at all, the only fun i had was really when i was just outside kicking the ball around by myself. ALONE. Or when i kicked it with greg or something.

The first sunday of break i went with greg and we were suppose to go to some cracken party. Well we didn't have a ride and basically one of those bafoons called julia fucking hammilton and dumb ass allison caretta. I didn't want to go to the party by myself because my friends bailed on the whole plan and wanted to hang out with this to little girls. I kinda felt out of place really, i didn't feel any comfort around those two at all during the whole not of there idiocracy (if thats even a word). Eventually we came back to gregs where they started to leave. All of a sudden julia backed up and i found myself smashed up on greg, the thing was he was pushing back. WAIT no, allisons car was directly behind julia and greg and i were getting crushed between to cars. all i remember after that was hearing a couple cracks a snap, then a loud as pop. I jumped out as julia pulled forward and found greg on the ground behind me. My ribs hurt so bad and allisons car had a dent from where gregs leg was. the pressure between us and her car left a dent. It turned out gregs leg hip popped later that night a couple times and my ribs were messed. WE missed the damn party and julia left because she didn;t want to get in damn trouble. "Tai im genuinley sorry blah blah blah blah blah blah blah because i wouldnt have got grounded blah blah im worried about you". If you would had confronted me face to face i would have nearly broken my male code to not hurt women. your the first and only girl to ever make me that angry. i hate you the most out of everyone in this hell fired planet. IF i hurt u in any way i would of been on my hands an knees begging u to be o.k. forget being grounded. I'd stay by my friends side until i knew they were ok. Its a week later and i still feel a slight pain in my side but it's fading away. whatever the hell it was it's fading away.

ACtually makes me angry to think about it so i'll tralk about when i was suppose to go to the mall with some buds but the forgot me. waited outside for an hour straight and they called and told me they got on the freeway and forgot me. fuck you guys, didn't even come back for me. next time ill forget you. Like i said this break was not cracken for the next few days i just wandered around going out for jogs and lifting wieghts, kicking the ball up against my garage. little touch drills.

I'm really tired of finding myself in situations that i could have avoided, but it just seems like they're out there looking for me. I can't bring myself to do anything to tell someone what i'd like to so i just avoid that also. I don;t see what i;m doing really anymore. Only thing i know im doing is playing wiith the soccer ball. Grades and everything else is becoming a blur and it's not helping. this break was suppose to be a refresher from everyday school life and it was in a way. But it was just another boring little excursion that is probably unnecesary for most americans extremely sedentary lifestyles. time to continue to pick up the pace and study hard for finals. i need at lease a 3.9 but id like a 4.1 GPA. im not an idiot ive just been lazy with homework...


Im getting really tired. I don;t have the time to write out everything because im not giving myself the time too. i really dislike the things going on right now, but ill have to continue to shove it up my ass and move on. Because i dont know of any or rather, i don't feel like i can trust anyone with all my feelings. I don't feel like being ridiculed for thinking anything at any given time. In the heart of all things, finding myself is part of growing up, i know ive found who i am, but..have other people found the real Tai, the one covered by dumb pink shoes and a blue giants hat?

dribble drabble.,. nothing

Awoke to the dead cold of my room. All i had was a sheet and my boxers on. No pillow , forget the laundry. Got up and looked at my chem homework and waited for it to finish itself. Didn't happen so i reluctantly finished the job. I got to school kinda tired an irritated, im tired of the same daily scheduale, yet i need to revert back to it so i can keep my grades up. Truthfully I really don't feel much of anything, as in i literally don;t feel much of anything. All i feel now a days is stress and nothing with a tinge of nothing drizzled with a lot of nothing and served on a plate of soreness from working out.

Starting now im just going to type words that come to mind and see what they form:.. the upbringing of a such things brings us to what i call death and despair, the long hard wind blew and brang death and despair upon us. the upbringing of a baby. life death immortality are just words to describe what is real and what is not, death and life are real. reality serves nothing and nothing comes to reality. The actual truth to anything is ambiguous, the only truth we get is from what we derive from false evidence. truth is a variable that is never right. i dont beleive. to might not come and coming is just another form of leaving and not leaving. with that said the form of life begins to degrade and break down to it's simplest form. With that form i can obtain the true meaning to anyones life. that answer to life is found within what we are as humans, we cannot find this source because we are to taintted with lifes disguting, vile, influences. I do beleive that if anything were to bring death to the world it would have to be for a good reason unless performed by us ourselves. when the angels come down and slowly sever the connection between our body and mind it's all for a good cause, judging is in our nature, because we as a being wil end up being judged after the very end. i really do feel the full on force of pain. Through death and life i see what both sides are, and what they aren't. What i can;t see through is love and that is something that no one will find out. It;s just another variable that can only be right by the people who make it right for themselves. I want to be right. Will you be my love?

Boredom

At the moment im sitting in my apah history class. i have all my pictures for the project and i think im going to be starting the video tonight. I dunno havent really been blogging lately so ive decided to just have a quicl post to check up on everything.

I think maybe my ignorance to the real world, or rather real people other then myself is affecting, i should be opening up more to more people but i really haven't. I dont know im not really focused right now, i have to pick up where im slacking academically. OH and i also got all league in soccer along with a few others. Both mentally and physically im killing myself. i have to go work out more lol. well back to them books...

back

Havent really posted in awhile due to me just be lazy about it. Yesterday watched the fight at kevins. Some random people but it was still pretty chill. sick fight Cotto had nothing on our man Pacman after the 2nd round. Anyway yesterday was good. Today was chill i hung out with G sunga and just kicked back like usual.

Now that soccer is over i really don't look forward to much at all after school. So ive decided im going to devote a lot of my time after homework and school in training. I don't my last competetive soccer game to be in highschool. I want my last competitive to be my death bed. When im old and decrepit. I really just havent felt like talking about a lot recently, i guess i want to take more action that typing or inscribing my thoughts into the mindless readers out there. I guess i felt that typing my thoughts out here was a waste of time for a while. In a way it is and it isn't but its just how you look at it. Wether its half full or half empty. The glass still has something in it. Thats how i truly see out of my eyes. Even if its a little at least it's something. Wether you have little money or a lot, your better off with a little then none at all.

It seems im talking a lot about death lately, and personally its kinda scaring me too. Saying stupid things likie im going to slit my wrists, or jump of a bridge with a noose around my neck. Or more things in depth like im going to slit my throath open with splintered wood then drink a bottle of rubbing alcohol to clean the cut. I woulndt be suprised one day if i found myself doing that. The way things are going for me in my head. im not really suprised of anything anymore. If anything im just disgusted with our race. hah thats something a killer would say. but im not that crazy to go around and become what i found vile and disgusting. Fucking people bashing in innocent peoples faces with hammers and metal posts. killing innocent people, that is beyond disgusting the thought makes me want to punch a hole in my wall. Our world is beyond fucked up, and not too many people seem to be making that step for change.

Well ill sleep on a good note. BUUUT. Since all some of u no lifes wanted to find out the people in my blogs and most of u know by now. that just makes it easier on me to say names. Obsession is a horrible word. because asking my best friend if im obsessed over someone is an absurd question. To the person who asked that question im really not, but beleive whatever you want i'm really not that good of a person, theres nothing really great at all, so i don't even know why ud be interested in someone lower then yourself (me). no im not asssuming things.

If u really wanted to find out who those people were, just ask me straight up (sorry brett ), ill tell you probably seeing as it doesnt matter anymore. I don't truly care for anyone other then myself is just a lie i use to get out of saying i really care for someone.

In the end ill just sleep in the facts, lies , and ideas.

So good night all.

tired

Lately things have been alright for me. Saying im happy would be lieing to myself. So ill tell the truth and say that i dont feel like im here. I don't feel like im around when im actually there. I have fun when im around but at the end of the day it seems like some things were for nothing. But what makes me happy in any case, is to see that things are slowly looking up in every downer. I'm part of a new "crew" of real people. I'm not saying my old friends are boring or stupid, im just saying it's good to know i got some friends who i can just sit down and kick it with. Many Miggy, i really do wish you were here now. I mean i guess im the newcomer to you guys, but i remember how everyone used to talk about your great memories and i was always envious that they had a friend like you, and they were your friends too. Your not some fake person who goes around talking crap because of there insecurities. No your that guys who's just down to chill, and " get some bitches" ahaha. Even though we werent hella tight until later i feel like there was never a time i didnt know you, i guess i wasnt born in that time period though. lol i was just another nappy headed halfican to you until now.

I dont have a lot of memories with you guys because I never thought i could be a part of who you guys are. Ahah i always that i was a loser, but i guess things changed. Things aren't really as negative as it seems and i like that fact that we can just come together and still have fun. Even if our Hydrogen bond is a little loose, it's good to know that things are looking a little better. Once you get back Miggy things shouldn't be too different, but you never know until you do. Hopefully by the time you do get back youll be a little buffer so i wont beat the crap out of you when we wrestle.. jk XD. Actually i won't even have to fight you becaues ill just get my ghetto black cousin Minoso (thats his real name) to shoot you. But thats going to far.

When it gets down to it nothing really has changed, Highschool is still completely and utterly boring, Benicia cops have no lives, ( i got the cops called on me for standing on a public bathroom roof for a minute), white people are still dominating Benicia, and people are still killing people. I don't expect anything spectacular to happen because good stuff happens when u least expect it.

I guess i just need to realize the truth in a lot of things, and hopefully ill find that answer so i can find that happiness too. But im hella tired and i can barely type so im going to sleep. night

day after yesterday

I'm really not much of a writer, but the truth doesnt bother me in this situation because im writing for the hopes that maybe ill reach out to myself one day. I'm really not feeling all that great both physically and emotionally. I can;t really explain but i've been thinking alot how i want things to come together and how they actually are. Life isn't some disney channel movie where everyone wins, its just a negative world where we try to stay positive. Everything is dying including ourselves. People running around shooting the shit out of each other because its their turf. We don't own earth, we own the thought that it's ours. People starting crap because they have nothing else better to do, when we could all just come together and just wade it out. I dislike the fact that most of my ideas are effectively put out their by me. I want to show people where i stand in the world, so maybe some little kid will grow up and take the good of me. The positive, and be something better then what we are today. Not some lazy knucklehead who goes around with their little sohpmore girlfriends overdosing on ecstasy while rubbing each others bodies not knowing that there killing themselves with a narcotic. It seems im stuck in this everlasting hell hole, and i can't change my mood to make things not hell. There is a positive in all this negative but im not finding it.

Happiness stems from success and good emotions. If love brings pain then how can you find happiness through it? Love just hurts, it doesn't do anything for anyone. It's just a word people use when they want to get with you. Love is meaningless. peace

Halloween the aftermass

Another bullshit halloween. I should of kicked it with Kevin because all the other shit i went to was pointless and boring. Just woke up like half an hour ago. All we did was walkright and do bullshit. id probably have more fun sitting at home working out or something. I dont know i cant really think straight right now. I have a game at one and hopefulyl my dad found the actual game cards so we could play.

I know for a fact that i have lost all confidence in myself, because i dont really believe in anything. At this moment in time my life seems like an endless stairway that wont let me get to the top. I feel myself floating away from my friends and back to square. The people who actually knew me for what i was won't do anything about what im going through partly because it's me, im the "asshole who doesn't a shit about most peoples thing" and there not used to seeing my true essence out in the open, so i just continue to put it all to the side and lie to everyone. There really is no reason for me to lie, but i don't really know what else to do. Mainly i just feel like an idiot because i cant find an answer to why im hiding so much from you, and myself.

Im tired of feeling alone when im not, and im tired of having bullshit days when i should be having fun. My passion and my emotions for someone should be the only times of the day where i feel like im normal again. This world and body im confined within doesn't fit my needs. My name doesn't describe who i truly am, and my intentions in life. Our world is all fake including myself and the only way to escape this world is through self realization or death. I want to take the easier route and end it, but that wont do any good. I have common sense. I have to pick up where started falling. But i can't do it alone this time.

An evening Daze

I haven't really been posting much past couple of days because each day is just another 24 hours i feel like ive been throwing away.The only time i feel like everything is normal is when i step upon the pitch, where the wind seems to flow just right, the only thing im thinking about is the game. If someone like Megan fox comes streaking across the field naked my primary concern is the game. There really is nothing better then the soothing touch of your passion massaging your body and mind. This for me is soccer.

But that really is sometimes the only good part of my day. She told me to stop talking about her in my blog so i guess ill abide maybe that one rule. Hopefully she didn't read any of this, knowing that alot of people would think of me as some sort of pansy. But thats just how it is they'll see things i guess. Which i tdon;t let bother me, but its not easy knowing someone out there is going to be thinking something negative of you. Thats life also and i guess we have to learn to get over that as a society sometimes. I feel like im not making any progress. It feels like every step im taking forward im being pushed backward. i know what i want to do and that is to accel. i really can't find the answer but i know that it relies heavily on me.

I also feel like im not good enough for some people. I mean there so above me in so many ways i dont think i can really match up to them. I can't find that courage and confidence i once had and its really bothering me more that it did last week. I really need that surge of stupid confidence back. Self neglect starts with that loss of confidence, but im far from the start, im near the middle of that rut and im trying to paddle my way out of this dry lake. I really kinda dont feel like doing anything so im just going to go fall asleep or something.

What a waste

I really just realized that it would be a complete waste to let all the bullshit get to me. Im' really not worried about what most people think of what im typing. Even though i wasted only about 10 minutes on my last post the only meaningful thing i got out of it was that the only thing stopping anyone is death. It's really pathetic actually. In a way it's quite amusing to sit above all the wrong we do and just watch ( as i stated before). You actually learn a lot just by watching something, even if that something is done the wrong way you can correct yourself to set it straight again. I'm not suppose to right about some people because they just get even more pissy about it. Just stop reading. Really now, im not doing virtually anything to anyone yet im accused of bullshit. I might as well be lynched for whistling at a white chick. Most people would probably get the idea that im mad. I'm really not, actually im everything but mad. Maybe frustrated, but being angry has nothing to do with me on my part. School was alright, nothing big just went through daily motions , slapped on my disgusting soccer jersey and went to my soccer game. Tomorrow is a big game against vallejo. Im just going to listen to what coach said an not think about it, just come ready to play. While people criticeze my thoughts i, i began to think maybe editing my posts. I had an epiphany, it would just be lieing to myself and also a complete waste of time. I'll probably look back on this old pasts and remember this certain period of time, and i will most likely find myself on the ground with hard laughter. It's the embarrasing, or dramatic times that are sometimes the funniest. So i accept that im indirectly a part of this, itll be funny as hell to look back on. But i don't accept most of the drama that is going on. Well im going back to study freaking math and ap art history, i have tests tomorrow and it kinda sucks. night

Cya

Looks like this is it. My experiment with this website is probably over. So for al you people reading my open thoughts and feelings stop reading. Unless i decide to comeback i guess im back to sqaure one. I originally came here to try and release some issues cuz working out all the time was just going to make me really muscualr and short. I guess it kind of hurts to know ive brought my self down to this level by accepting what ive been given and not staying strong with my thoughts. So i'll leave here with the ony thing i know is true. I'm Tai Elias Aczon and wether you think of me as a loser, faggot, a hero, or just your average joe, i'll continue to better myself. I'll be that better person, the only thing that will stop me is the only thing that stops anyone. Death.

How unfortunate we are

ahaha i guess more people have been reading my thoughts more than i thought (wierd sentence). But thats how most things go, you either over analyze or don't analyze a situation at all and it causes problems. In a way I indirectly started caused a problem that didn't need to happen. But in the end it really isn't my fault. Whats done is done and there really is no use in fretting over silly situations, which is easier said than done. I'm lacking in my physical and emotional awarness. I can say things that i don't mean and it could start stuff. But thats just how things are and there is no way to really change that. I find it confusing to see why some people overreact over something silly, but i myself do it all the time. That is the irony of every human today, we are all hypocrites and it amuses me. Our very self awarness and judgements are contradicted by what we say and do, and its fascinating to see how many times people can contradict themselves. I;m no special subject to that matter and i find that by secluding myself out of that mass of people i am sort of upholding myself in a god likes manner. Which is not what i intend. I'm a normal human being and theres nothing extraordinary about me. All those lame sounds i make with my mouth are out there for anyone to learn. Anything that has been learned can be taught a numerous amount of times. Most people stay ignorant to the basics and that's why our society fails. As a whole, we learn nothing and continue to repeat past mistakes. I continue to cover myself at school, people continue to make mistakes that can be fixed, life just keeps going in a circle. It's unfortunate that this circle of mistakes will cease to exist only with the death of our species.

Paranormal Activiy.

Today was a good day. i woke up at seven had breakfast, then relaxed until about 1 pm. I stepped outside and the crisp sun was devouring the sky of clouds. The blue of the sky was beaufiful, so i took a jogg all the way to community park then got a ride back (man was a tired). The highlight of my day was actually When i went to see paranormal activity with Ris and my new good friend rah and hew new "talking buddy". The movie wasnt nearly as good as it was hyped up to be, but i promise you that i probably wont be able to sleep for another few hours (estimated time around 4 AM). I felt the pulse of Ris's hands come in sync with mine, it was wierd i havent felt that in a long time. In that moment i didn't care about the movie or the gum i placed my foot on, or Rah poking my back making it uncormfatble. All i thought about was her heartbeat, and the calmness of mine. Until i relaized that i was holding her hand i was fine, when i realized i found my heart fluttering again and it was all of a sudden really hot. The sight of her eyes made it that much worse, not only was it a scary part in the movie but her eyes made my fluttering heart turn into sort of a hummingbird flying around. In general i was freaking out. Wether or not Ris likes me, i felt something just a little stronger tonight, i thought that maybe she COULD have feelings for me. I'm ok if she just wants to be friends, as long as everyone is happy, especially her, my happiness only extends are far as i let it, and if that means giving up something for someone to be happy ill do that. There was drama though, and now im intertwined in this knot. This guy really likes Ris, but she doesnt like him back, and because of his actions and how he hold his ideals in this situation he brings more drama into Ris's DT (drama triangle). Emotions and feelings seem to drive our very thoughts and actions, which leaves me to conclude that if i can supress my emotions, my thoughts and actions would be clear and in control. I could then assess matters at hand and take aprehend drama by the neck and throw it in the trash where it belongs. I beleive that i deserve what i deserve. The night before nella was driving me to and fro from place to place, The silhouette of her face againts the bright lands and dark background helped me obtain complete control, i thought of the past and this time accepted it. She wall always know me for who i am. for once i had fun, REAL FUN. It carried over to tonight, with Ris. I wont forget how it felt to hold the hand of the girl of everyones dreams, Ive held the girl of my dreams, now i had the chance to hold the girl of everyones dreams. The one person who, own their own, could single handedly turn the school inside out without even trying. I can't imagine what it would be like if she actuall use that power. I really cant because im dozing off.. Good night. Ill leave her with this thought. Beauty leads to the peronality which can lead to the destruction of a possible relationship, So far Ris is one of the few girls who beauty on the outside matches that on the inside and i find that hard to find. The only girl who had that at one time was nella ( I beleive she may still have it). MY question is, can i match that?

Drama

I want to help Ris out. There really is nothing i can do do, this is a problem that is going to have to wait. My motives are different, i want to do something to prove myself worthy, i know it's a cliche' idea. I'm not doing it to win her over or anything to do with that, i'm doing it because that's what a real friend does, thats how anything starts with a base. That base is a friend. Even if im not the one, i want to be Ris's friend, you know that guy she can tell stuff to when things get bad, or that comfort umbrella when things get bad. I've tried my best with nella, but it seems she is doing fine on her own. I'm not doing this because i have no one else to do it for. I'm doing because i see something different in Ris that i don't see in others. No its not a crush or anything, i just see something different. Shes not your typical pretty face, no personality girl. And unfortunately many mistake her for that. It's not until you really talk to her that you understand what kind of person she is. Shes free floating, getting by on the goods but trying to stay away from drama. Unfortunately drama will always trail her with all those guys following her scent, like a mouse hovering towards some cheese in those old saturday morning cartoons. Thats what really got me, as much as it follows her she doesnt want it. I realize that smile is her personality, down to earth, and simple. She's a human being just like myself, not some goddess i imagined her to be three years ago (three years ago nella meant the same). I guess Ris could be considered one though because of the way she looks (ooh boy words cannot describe that), but through all that she's kind of like me. Except probably a bit more on the less wierd side. I could go on and on, but that would not mean anything because actions speak louder than words. When time passes i will have to think of something bigger than singing in a rally. That's childs play.


on the day though, it was pretty fair. you know school, lunch with friends, library for homework, then just cihlling at home. Tomorrow i plain for a harder work out because i didnt do anything today... im going to get fat :(. But most importantly im just worried about getting good grades and becoming that soccer player i want to be. Through every problem there is a solution wether it be good or bad i want to find the solution to my problems. I must search for my own answers and attain the goals i set for myself. Ris and feelings i have for others fall in line with my success.

I see

I feel better this morning knowing im going to school in a better state of mind. Im going to go finish up my breakfast but i just wanted to leave start my day off with a few words. You can gain anything in life if you work hard enough, play your cards right, nothing can stand in your way. I won't rush things, and if somethings not meant to be ill leave. I know where my friends are and i know who still cares out there. Now i'm truly awake.--Tai

Here we are

Today was just another day. I actually finished all my homework as after i got home i took a nap. Iwoke up around 6 40 then went for a jogg. I need to get in better shape. i came back around 720 and had my protein shake after i did my minimun of at least 100 crunches. Tommorrow since there is no game im going to to try and have a hard workout after i do my hw. I realize the real me but im really starting to doubt my abilities in anything, and i finally see that its killing me. I startred this year out confident, hell i even sang to a girl infront of the whole school, but i find that strength dwindling away. I need to fix that, i need that sort of power back in me. I really find myself on the edge of a lot of things, and i think im really close to falling. At least now i have someone there holding me up even if she isnt physically there. Nella. I'll just be my true self more often, i guess people want to see that. Either way i just hope maybe people still like me, for me. If i can continue on my path maybe even Ris is attainible.

good morning

"well tai, regardless of everything that happens. i still care about you. and i really want the best for you. i hope you dont change because of her, and beecause you want to be cooler, etc. please still be tai. because the tai i knew was a real person. who laughed with real laughter, and saw a lot of real natural beauty in the world. he looked at the bright side, and knew who he was. and who his real friends were.
just a word of advice, that will probably not even mean anything to you."


I am seen as that person changing her eyes. I'm really not trying to be cooler because that's a waste of time. But this is all the reassurance i've been looking for, everything i needed to hear from someone. I think it's my turn to step up now. good morning world

im done for tonight

A third post. Tonight im gaining ideas. I have a new though. Its cold hearted but its just a thought. Some people don't deserve life like others. Im not saying that horrible people should be deprived of life. Im just implying that genearlly good people deserve more then what there given. I honostly at this point don't know where i am. I'm leaning to the bad side or the " other" end of the spectrum. Ive been thinking a lot more about stuff, and i still cant find some conclusions. The fact is im only 16 and i have to continue leaving to find them

pretty wierd. im doing two posts in a day? i guess people start reading these crap posts more then i thought. That being the case i really don't care. They'll finally see my true thoughts. I guess im here because i have really no control over anything anymore. i cant do hw right now because i cant focus at all. Just looked at some new homecoming pictures. I found myself pondering the thought what if i was him, what if i could go back and change the past. Saying that i wouldnt change anything is cliche' and i know there a few things id like to change. I feel kind of empty right now, i really can't explain it, but the pit of my stomach is aching for something. I miss what i use to call my best friend. I guess i really do. God can't bring back feelings that have been left for dead. If he can't then nobody can i guess. Guessing for losers who don't know anything, i guess im being one. Emotions stem from something, and that source is constantly moving. The thing is, i don't want that source to leave. Even if it does hurt to have it around. I want this new day to come quicker.

Another day, another dollar, another thought

Today was pretty fun, a lot of laughs. grades are still on a slow rise. I think I can finish the year that hasnt even really started. Ive come across another problem that many people have. We all perceive the world differently, What i see beautiful is probably ugly to someone else. Our inability to understand other sides of a story causes drama to inflate and emotions to hieghten. THe real problem is that many people beleive there side of the story is accurate. Our veiws on something are always right and no one else's matters. For an example there is this very beautiful young woman at our school ( and yes she happens to be that girl i danced with). It seems that a lot of peoples views on her are filled with sometype of useless bullshit that they find, to hate or dislike her to an extreme extent. Problems or little things that they find true or accurate when in fact on an overlooking spot there wrong. In this problem i go around hearing everyons side of the story so i can piece toogether what the hell is really go on. It reall is just a big misunderstanding. I guess what i trying to display is an everyday mistake we will always (including myself) make. I can only see as far as i can see for myself. The only thing stopping me from seeing farther into a deep situation is my standing point. In order to be on top I have to walk around and see what is going on like im doing now. Im really not all that great of a person and wether or not people think that i continue to think negatively on myself so i can continue to improve. Some say i can be Modest, i beleive im just and idiot making the best with what i have. Some say i can be sweet, but i beleive im not sweet enough. some say I'm cute, but i know that i no where near that. Many say i am " hella good" at soccer, but in reality im really not good enough. some say she likes me, but i beleive that she couldn't. I perceive things a little lesser then they should so i can build up things i need to work on, and continue building on my strongpoints. I dont know if im being to negative smoetimes though, but thats just another limitation given to me by myself. Tomorrow i will make the best day i can with what i have. I want too see that smile, the smile nella has nothing on. Those warmth in her eyes, that contrasts the cold when im stared down by nella. The only thing that she cant beat is that nella is the only nella. But Ris( new name for the girl i dance with, i find it catchy) is the only Ris. Just thinking about Ris i want to begin this new day, nella has someone new, why dont I?

A finding

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

--Probably one of my favorite songs. this is just a snippet of the full song. just felt like sharing is all.

Now for the day.

I found myself wondering among people just going through the motions feeling nothing. I was dead tired but i was also pressured, by the very feelings i can't show. Today wasnt a bad day though. i was just very tired. My class with this person was great, i love to see that bright smile. Her eyes seem to look straight through me, those eyes calm me. Nella on the other hand (new name for old Lia) was the same, i look at her soft face and remember the past, remebering the past helps nothing. I relized as much as we continue to grow, our basic entities thrive only around those we care for most. My true person is shown around her and my close friends ( maybe even this girl i danced with. But i just haven't shown nella this real me because i have no reason too. Either way it wouldn't matter because whatever action i take wont mean anything. Even if nella said " i like you because it's you" i dont know if i could beleive that. Im past words and texts. I want to see it in person, i want to feel it. I understand that some people reading this are like. wth? who is this guy? this sorry sack of flesh that your reading of can be considered a part of the real Tai. I readily unleash myself to the world and this place is one of the only ways i can continue to keep in track of my emotions. Aside from the typing advancements an online diary, and friends, i am here soley for myself. to Releive myself of every day stresses that nobody would want to listen to. I find, on the contrary, that maybe someone would like too listen out there. If thats the case someone out there has to feel me in some way. I will continue on my own story, maybe if I AM( I REPEAT, I AM) lucky, you will take part in it.

Fastbreak, awake,

I couldn't really finish the last blog because my keyboard was freaking out. I guess Lia thinks i have changed a lot. I really have, but thats only the make up on the mask. My morals and ideas submerge when i'm not around people i can trust as much. Which brings me to the conclusion that I can be as elusive as the spongey make up and lies she puts on her face. It's a very cruel thing to say, but Lia knows nothing of me. I know nothing of her. All i can do is assume the worst so the reality of her decisions arent as bad. I lower my bar for her so i don't feel so bad when she decides to "love" this new guy. So when i hear all this stories " oh they made out" or " theyre so cute" I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW ANYONE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. I fancy the idea that I am worth at least something.But really nobody should be anything, i have a feeling that whatever karma has in store for me. Good or Bad. I will need it, more than anyone including myself could understand. what a good morning for another "great" day. ( visions of a feeling, the essence of what i once had floats inside my head till death do us part) i am who i want to be.

The evening after homecoming.

Just got back from the library. im tired as hell. that 9 am soccer game killed me because i only got about 4 hours of sleep. Im still thinking about everything that happened last night and i don't regret really too much.Oh yeh i guess i gave this person myblog site which i just now realized wasnt the smartest thing i ve done in my life. I'm still going to update everything on here because i just i like the simplicity of this blogging site. It's like a diary in a way. Day to day feelings and things i want to remember. I still vividly remember my dance ahahha. Im probably a loser for remembering anything but it feels good to know that i may have feelings for someone other than Mrs. Lia ( thats what i am going to call here in this entries). I guess she wants to know who it is, but i want to talk to her in person about everything. I want to apologize for how i acted also, but in a way i also needed to do what i did. I released so much negative energy (XD i sound like one of those Zen losers). I really hope that i have another chance to hold someone that close again. Especially Ms. PYT ( thats what ill be calling the girls i danced with from now on). I guess i've been beleiving the lie that i don't Ms PYT. In fact i forced myself to beleive i didnt like anyone for awhile. I know for a fact that i may feel more than just a crush. But i don't want her to know that.aaa

HOMECOMING

I felt her silky dress ooze through my fingers as we stepped to the beat. It was a slow song and i could feel the heat rising off of her skin, my heart would flutter at every step which made me very uncomfortable. But it was worth the while as i held her in my arms. A few times i thought the song ended so i sort of messed up :). She still owes me two dances, but one could be enough for a lifetime. Words cannot describe what i would like to say. So i just decide not to say them, Someone of her stature would frown upon me. For a little bit i thought maybe i felt something, even if it was little, just something to hold on to, not just a memory a feeling. Something i haven't felt in what seems a long time. I don;t want to be selfish so ill hide my feelings away for the time being. On the other hand this " person" brought her friends from frisco. I have to say it did bother me. But i knew she wouldnt care either way, were not on the best of terms. I guess hes a really nice guy and i can't beat that. Maybe if i just danced with her once as a friend i would have felt better. But i didnt let it bother me. I had a good time. And just one dance with one person made my day. I will continue to pursure what i should be pursuing. well i gotta sleep. i have about 7 hours before my soccer game...... aishiteru

Today is the day

Home coming day. i have a soccer game in a bit and i have one tomorrow at nine. I wish i didnt have a game sunday but i guess thats how it is. Tonight is probably going to be a wierd night, i want to make this funnest night as possible. im not going to be an idiot and pop pills or do drugs and drink, like some people i know. I'm going to have fun on my time without the bullcrap. I guess im just worried that if i see her with him i won't be able to control myself. Hopefully that isnt the case. I know that one of most beautiful girls known to man promised me three dances :). I kind of wish i had a date, but i made the decision on going stag. I realize that a lot of things in life have a positive and negative, even if it seems good all around. If you gain money you are likely going to use it. If you have a gf you will lose her. If get straight A's, you will have had to sacrifice something to get them. If you go to church you may be praying to something that doesnt exist. Thats what i feel like right now. i feel half and half about tonight. Maybe i'm just overthinking everything. But sometimes the only thing you can do is assume things when the person you care ffor most has stripped you of most of your self-confidence. When she leaves you and the only thing you feel is pain and anger. The loss of control you get when she turns around and calls youa bitch because you just had to say something stupid to her friend. I really can't help it. She unknowingly chips away at my shoulders; i know shell never realize how much it hurts. but thats only whats flowing in my head at the moment. Tonight will be a goodnight just like that annoying song. just another morning --Tai

Awake

Wierd morning, i always fall asleep right before she texts me. So i was out around 10 30. Woke up around 630. I got in a good eight hours of sleep with a pretty goo dream. It seems things can get better if i take that chance and use me resources. Today i will do that.

Some day

Its been a couple days since i last posted. Today was alright i guess. I got to school once again. it was cold an boring. Patrick still cracking tons of black jokes. Our world is beyond screwed up. we find disgusting jokes and horrible things funny, and it doesnt help much that im a part of that. Our morals and ideas slowly dwindle away. My ideas of being a gentlmen seem to be worthless in this new era. It's pathetic to see how mean people really can be. I myself, im not the nicest guy, but i put respect of my friends way above my own. Which brings me to the conclusion.. do i treat myself like shit? am i too hard on myself. I feel like im weighing down on my own capabilities sometimes, my own feelings, my feelings for this new person., school, sports; and the only person who would continue to treat me like dirt. Life is a cruel unforgiving mass of emotions and experiences waiting to be kicked so it can reprobate in another direction. But in all bad there is good. I can't change whats happened so the only thing i can do is work that much harder to get to my goals. I'll have my day.. some day

What a day

Today soccer was bullshit. we played a bullshit team and won 5-1. but we also play like crap. I lost all hope in our team. We have many talented players but none of them want to imrpove like i do. To make the gold team i have to make it there myself. Got to my D dogs party and it was fun. But that one girl decided to leave us for some guys she likes. She ditched us and d dogs party for some jap fag. I'm beggining to hate myself and my heart can't take anymore strain from her bullshit. i hate to admit it but shes killing me. Shes hacking away at the connection between my heart and brain. Im left confused without any knowledge of what i should do. I hate my inability to imrpove both mentally in physically in soccer and this girl. I can't move up in the ranks if i cant do simple stuff. I hate my life i hate this town. i hate emotions.. If i could go emotionless for the rest of my life i would do that. our world is coming to an end, and end that only we can stop but we wont. I know for a fact our lives are worthless in the grand scheme of things. Wther i beleive in god or not. God has nothing to do with the pain i feel day to day.

I awoke to the message " he's coming to visit". Is this the end of me? I'm still disoriented by my dreams and i hope that this message remains to be one. I can't comprehend the emotions that will be vomitted when i meet him. Either this will be a stregnthing, or this will be my demise. Just another morning --Tai

another boring Rant

I hate that fact that i cant accomplish what i want. I want to become a better soccer player, i want to be that better person. every step i take, my goal seems that much farther away. My grades arent the best right now and im having a hard time with everything thats been happening. Today was nother horrible day. I woke up and shoveled the hot oatmeal into my mouth. The sugar and butter glided past my throat and too my stomach. I sat in my disgusting car and foundmyself outside in the cold filling up the tires with air. school was just another motion i went through to get by without thoughts of you. thats not what it should be. school is my job and i am paid with grades. Your getting in the way of my thoughts just as much as i am getting in the way of me. I guess just family problems have been getting to me. i hate ranting and this is pretty much another boring bullshit of a blog. I cant find words to describe my emotions because there all mixed. Im happy to find that maybe someone beautiful likes me. I am angered with the fact that i still care for someone myself. I'm furious because life is just the way it is. The reality is im just another spec in the little knowledge we have of the world outside of earth. Im literally nothing, thats what everything should mean to me nothing. I'm typing without a cause and im loving without one too. This whole entry is just a scavenger hunt of my emotions of feelings. Thinking about it, i guess im still hurt. i need to clear my mind to succeed and i may need someones help. I don't want to be a failure anymore. I'll slowly make my way back up. Even if your still that burden on myshoulders. i wont drop you. I'll carry you because other than succeeding, i know how i feel about you.

Sleep please

I'm awake. Nothing important. I feel better in my sleep than i do when im alone and awake. Sometimes i want to sleep forever but i know i would miss my friends. I keep having glimpses of you in my dreams. I hate it. My words are as weak as they are strong, my actions are nothing to your thoughts, and more then what you perceive. I miss my old friends, but i'm still happy with my new ones. Whats important in life is only what you find to be important. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Another morning. --Tai

Drifting

I looked into her eyes as the sun slowly tinted the surrounding cement into a brownish grey. I looked deeply into her eyes and found myself slowly falling yet i let myself fall. I lost myself in the pigments of green and saw myself skipping freely. My eyes closed my heart lost it's own tempo. i couldn't control anything at the moment and I noticed that i steadily worked everything happening to the back of my head for safe keeping. when my eyes opened the warm caress was lifted off my lips and back to where they were orignally placed. I felt the trickle of saliva slither down the back of my throat while i continued to be amazed at what i had just done. She turned around and left with the comment it's been like three years. I smiled under my breath and under the hard beating of my heart and turned away so i could continue on home. I woke up to find beads of sweat sopping off of the peach fuzz on my upper lip. I was endowed with a sense of tranquility as i peered out of my sliding glass window into the cold of the morning. I was terrified at the fact that i would dream of a flashback so vividly. I was scared because i cared for her so much.

Deep down i knew that it was just another useless memory because in the end she would pick dog food over me. I shoved these thoughts once again to the back of my head but not for safe keeping, to be forgotten. I went through the whole day mindless and boring. I hide so much that no one understands. I want to tell someone but i know they wouldnt understand. Every day i slowly find myself drifting off. back to where i place all my thoughts. To hide it all i act like a jerk or say something unethical. This is a day just like the rest. I have to keep moving even if it's an uncontrolled drift. wether you read this or not. I think of you everyday.

Hello there

I'm Tai and I am new to this blogging website. I hope to realease my mind (and cock) and meet some new people and find old ones