I feel horrible, i don't know why, i mean im not ditching anybody, my parents won't let me go. I've ditched my friends before (mistakes i regret) and ive never felt this bad? what is it within me that makes me feel so low. To leave a new close friend at home.
I want to be this person, this person, this me? Maybe i'm already that guy and i'm just to blind to see that truth ahead of me. I think ive been making steady progress with my own thoughts and ideals. Yet i still feel so far away from reaching my goals. Stress without a reason, I didn't think i could meet anyone that would be able to calm me. Calm me from Julia. Release me of my inner thoughts so maybe my inner thoughts could be shared. But more importantly release me from myself. This new feeling, its not an exaggeration of the truth, infact its the truth itself that brings me hear. Truthfully, i don't remember feeling this happy in a long time. With someone i just met.
I've learned new things. Things she thought would scare me away, at first i thought id be scared too. But i wasn't scared at all, infact i felt closer.. if that sounds wierd to you i dont care. For her i want to, rather im going to be there for her. There is no curse set on anyone, and if its on you. Id share it with you. She is the true proof of existence. Its wierd, she is the definition of the very words i follow. 212, live, love and learn. I know im not the best guy out there, but i want to be there for someone who might need me, for someone that i need. It all happened kinda of quicked. But ive opened up to someone that ive basically just met.
I dont open up to anyone, im use to saying unethical things, so people misjudge and think im something else. So they don't look at me and think of me as pathetic for thinking the way i do. Like the way im thinking right now. This comfort, that sensation in the pit of my stomach. Telling me to stay.
I realize why i all of a sudden felt like going to Greg's little sausage fest movie night. Something made me, maybe just that will to hang out with close friends. Maybe the answer to my prayers. Ive been praying for just anytihng a sign, somebody, maybe just a flower anything, to show me that someone does care ( besides some of my best buds) but shares thoughts with me. Won't make me do tons of work just to hang out with her. Because i realize now id do it myself. My sign, was met that night. I was suppose to be there because I was suppose to meet this new friend of mine. I know now that im suppose to follow my gut and stay around her. Not because im lonely or stupid. But because i know that she was brought to me, or rather i was led to her because i truly needed her. '
Fate or not, life just keeps suprising me. I will continue on my path, setting my own stones. and hopefulyl this time. I have a close friend that will set hers together with mine. So maybe in the future i can return the favor, because You have helped me more then i could probably understand. And i want to do the same for you.
I know life isnt a fairy tale.. but i want maybe for just once. To help make someones better. I'm not saying i want to be around you because i feel bad. but I want to be around because i like to be around you. Im still trying to find myself, admist my own problems. But i want to leave you with a message. That no matter where you go, even if you forget me and lose me in memories. I'm always going to be here willing to listen and comfort you like you have done for me. There are no strings attached, because i dont do that to close friends, when they need help. I want you to realize that even if im not that guy in silver armor on a white horse, i want to try to make it so you won't have to fake a smile. I know you have friends back home who may listen. But i want to listen to. Home is where people think of you. Where your heart is. I hope you accept us as maybe your second home
Im scared of what im thinking, i dont want to be left alone again. I don't want to be sucked in to another situation that i cant work my way out of again. I still don't fully understand why this " silly new girl" happens to be the person I can open up to so easily. But im ok with it, she has a name, with real thoughts and emotions i can relate to.
I tried to write this for you, but it turns out more of a self help for myself. I apologize if you think my thoughts are ugly, but i find yours beautiful.
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