A wink.

HOW can i BE such and IDIOT. What has come over me to allow such a stupid gesture to realease itself from this mask. When i winked that face that came after, the alarm, the response to my actions made me feel worse than any of you could feel. I;m not saying people don't feel bad. This feeling i have, of failure, of not being at the top tier, being an idiot is in fact something we all feel at one time. But the actual feeling itself disperses differently in every person. I'm really scared to do anything right now, i don;t want to see the tilt of those eyes. and the clasping of the mouth across ones face like that. EVER. How can i live with myself. I mistreat my friends, and yet i continue to live? What is it in me that makes me beleive that for just a second, JUST ONE SECOND, that i could possible be happy with what i am and do.

Im no where in life, im 16 still finding my own way. Still paving and setting down stones that i can look back on, Yet i bring forth these bad parts in me and show them to the world. Internally i see my mistakes, but i can't fix them. Is this the irony of humanity, when pandoras box was opened, is this the demon of inevitability that is spoke of. knowing that you'll make a mistake but not being able to stop it at times. i want to go back and keep myself from closing one eye. So maybe i won't feel like such an imbecile. Right now i hate myself more than i usually do on a day to day basis. Nothing you say or do will change my views unless it's some life story that has brought about some sort of significant change in your life or others. I am a completer idiot and i don;t think i will stop being one. Im just as ignorant to the truth as most people, the only difference is i seek the truth.

Maybe i should be happy where i am? just accept what i have? understand that i won't be able to hold what once held me close?

But that wouldn't be me at all. i wouldn't improve on any subject, and the way of Tai "212- plus one" handed down by coach rory to me would be a waste. I want to much, but if anything i wish, hope, dream, and i will work for what i once had. I know you don't read these meaningless posts. But regardless of what people think or say about whatever i feel. i guess.. well i know. That I love you.