I know it sounds pathetic. But i feel very alone here, i have all these great friends. infact ive conquered the clique scenario, i can chill with anyone. Yet i still feel detached from everyone, like im the only one, when i know that im really not. I really feel like less of a person just coming up here and typing this out for people to see, but i don't want to talk about it. So this is the only way i can really indirectly tell people things aren't right inside me. One of the few ways i can convey to MYSELF that im not ok. I can't lay my finger on the problem and it's beginning to corrupt my inner self. Im making the person i deceive people with the real me. I'm becoming illiterate when i say things, and im slowing the pace of my own personal growth. Misconceptions of what i say and do are not helping either. Things i try to say are jumbled in a bunch of nosnense that means nothing to anyone, not even me.
I really do like this one person. I really truly do, and i'd like it to stay hidden. Even if she knows already i don't want her to have the confirmation from me that i actually do. It's kind of embarrasing with me. I know that she probably thinks im wierd, on account of that fact that i HAVE been acting like a FREAK lately. I don't really know whats come over me. Death means nothing and life is just the day to day nothingness that i try to fill with fake words and fales demeaning accusations to people. I want to act normal again , but i guess i need to talk to someone about me true feelings. Maybe it's about time i let her know that i really deeply care for her no just as someone i like, but as a friend. and even if she doesn't care back. As long as she has that blazing white smile continues to sear the sky, and her glassy brown eyes continue to reflect the true inner beauty that im only beginning to find. I'll be as happy as i can be at this moment, even if happiness is a dull wind blowing through the trees ill deal with it and take what i got. Because that's what a true friend is, someone whos there even when you DON'T need them.
Alot of people probably are thinking who this is, or maybe they already know? Maybe people don't care at all. But the truth is i don't like anyone for a sole reason. Even if you JULIA GODDAM HAMILTON think i like someone for a single aesthetic reason, thats not the case. Your wrong, you call me shallow when you assume that i've told you everything. But, i havent scratched the surface, just run me over with your car if it's bothering you at all. Because im sure you would have no problem. I sort of envy this new girl, i mean, even though everyone has drama she came out on top. Maybe shes making mistakes, but eventually we all learn. She's is sort of the definition of what i have been looking for. Yet what im looking for is not attainible with this doll im confined within. I sort of wish i could take the name tag off and let loose all the anger and hate i have towards others, and let the adulation and benediction slowly free itself. I really do view myself lower than maybe what i really am, but sometimes i can't really see that. My standards for myself far exceed what other people hold for me and thats how i suceed, but it;s where i fail constantly also.
Caught myself babbling again. and itls pretty late. My last thought: When is it my turn to achieve, maybe im not working hard enough. But that's what my philosophy is all about. When u have nothing, dig deep and pull out strong. Sucess comes from the very definition in which i seem to dislike and like at the same time. Work. I guess when it comes down to it, if i want to stop wallowing around in my own self created tear circle i'll have to work out of it. Thinking helps a lot. People should try it more often. goodnight
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