Rain

Today was a day. But i guess in a way different. Went to Sarah's house and just chilled there. Had a little bit to drink but nothing big, i don;t like to get drunk, nor have i really ever, nor at the time i spent there did i ever get drunk. As soon as i stepped into the bright house, my friend comes stumbling over to me with a big welcoming hug. ahah what a friend indeed. Later on i guess uknowingly (or being kinda dumb ) she invited julia and her friend trent over.
Being the idiot i am i didn't know how to deal with it this time. Rather, i didn't want to deal with it this time. I was inches a way from wielding my hate and anger. Moments away from releasing my world hate upon my unlucky victim. What keeps me from doing this? is it my common sense, my will to do whats right in situations that are above regular ones? Is it because i want to see the roses stay glued upon her cheeks as i continue to hurt myself? Is it because im to weak? Am i a failure? Do i have what it takes to bring myself above and beyond, actually reaching my own expectations.

I perceive this whole situation in the same light i perceive everything else, thats the downside to how i tihnk. When it comes to my problems i can't use my omniscient views. I can't see a;ll angles but my own unless i keep my cool. But this time i didn't, I wasn't drunk, i wasn't high. I was just trying to control everything that i hold back from myself and others. I don't understand what draws me too someone who will tell me something that makes me feel like the world. Then leaves me out to dry and the rain with someone "new". Why do i continue to stay back at home base, when everyones making it around twice. " Everyone has that somebody.. but you have to get over it, move on and make a new one"- Jaun carlos.

He said that to me. in that same monotone voice that he speaks when he's tired, or thinking of something else to see. But it came out so natural, i could tell he wasn't try to screw me over or anything. Maybe i'll try harder and follow those words. 

I stepped outside into the dark. The only lights that showed me my long walk to the sidewalk were the dim house lights, and the long wooden Light pole that had spiderlike telephone wires sprouting from it's head. The rain was drizzling, caressing my skin like a cat rubbing up against your leg for some food. It began to get stronger, it had a heartbeat, pulsing its tone throught my body. The rain itself was a being and entity, trying to share it's emotions with me, tell me that it was crying too. The rain got harder and i began to see the cracks in the street slither  their way across the crosswalk, like little roots to the light post. My emotions became more jumbled and the magnitude of them increased as the rain began to pour. The very foundation on which i stood on began to rattle under the roar of the rain. At times the rain would slow down like my thouhgts. Then explode like my feelings and begin to pour again. I was getting colder by the minute.. I saw my light, the cracks didn't seem like roots anymore, but just ordinary cracks. I looked up one last time and bid the rain farewell and entered the artificial warmth of my car. I looked outside and the rain contiued to pour harder as if it was sad i was leaving. I was sad too. Standing out there i exchanged feelings with something that probably didn't even exist. Yet in those 15 minutes of standing in the rain, i began to think, like before, just notice the little things, like pink flowers that would grow down the street, or how the leaves on the wet pavement seemed to turn into a oatmeal like substance. Little Useless observations that make thinking a neccesity rather than a bore.

Yet i still feel unnacomplished, like i failed, like i can't get over someone who can easily leave me behind. I want to be able to live a normal highschool life, date girls, party, get good grades. Without you constantly on my mind.  I'll have to continue to learn live and love. with 212 in my head and heart. Taking the tough road is the only way i know how to go.

So i bid you farewell, just like the ran, I'm still sad.