An evening Daze

I haven't really been posting much past couple of days because each day is just another 24 hours i feel like ive been throwing away.The only time i feel like everything is normal is when i step upon the pitch, where the wind seems to flow just right, the only thing im thinking about is the game. If someone like Megan fox comes streaking across the field naked my primary concern is the game. There really is nothing better then the soothing touch of your passion massaging your body and mind. This for me is soccer.

But that really is sometimes the only good part of my day. She told me to stop talking about her in my blog so i guess ill abide maybe that one rule. Hopefully she didn't read any of this, knowing that alot of people would think of me as some sort of pansy. But thats just how it is they'll see things i guess. Which i tdon;t let bother me, but its not easy knowing someone out there is going to be thinking something negative of you. Thats life also and i guess we have to learn to get over that as a society sometimes. I feel like im not making any progress. It feels like every step im taking forward im being pushed backward. i know what i want to do and that is to accel. i really can't find the answer but i know that it relies heavily on me.

I also feel like im not good enough for some people. I mean there so above me in so many ways i dont think i can really match up to them. I can't find that courage and confidence i once had and its really bothering me more that it did last week. I really need that surge of stupid confidence back. Self neglect starts with that loss of confidence, but im far from the start, im near the middle of that rut and im trying to paddle my way out of this dry lake. I really kinda dont feel like doing anything so im just going to go fall asleep or something.

What a waste

I really just realized that it would be a complete waste to let all the bullshit get to me. Im' really not worried about what most people think of what im typing. Even though i wasted only about 10 minutes on my last post the only meaningful thing i got out of it was that the only thing stopping anyone is death. It's really pathetic actually. In a way it's quite amusing to sit above all the wrong we do and just watch ( as i stated before). You actually learn a lot just by watching something, even if that something is done the wrong way you can correct yourself to set it straight again. I'm not suppose to right about some people because they just get even more pissy about it. Just stop reading. Really now, im not doing virtually anything to anyone yet im accused of bullshit. I might as well be lynched for whistling at a white chick. Most people would probably get the idea that im mad. I'm really not, actually im everything but mad. Maybe frustrated, but being angry has nothing to do with me on my part. School was alright, nothing big just went through daily motions , slapped on my disgusting soccer jersey and went to my soccer game. Tomorrow is a big game against vallejo. Im just going to listen to what coach said an not think about it, just come ready to play. While people criticeze my thoughts i, i began to think maybe editing my posts. I had an epiphany, it would just be lieing to myself and also a complete waste of time. I'll probably look back on this old pasts and remember this certain period of time, and i will most likely find myself on the ground with hard laughter. It's the embarrasing, or dramatic times that are sometimes the funniest. So i accept that im indirectly a part of this, itll be funny as hell to look back on. But i don't accept most of the drama that is going on. Well im going back to study freaking math and ap art history, i have tests tomorrow and it kinda sucks. night

Cya

Looks like this is it. My experiment with this website is probably over. So for al you people reading my open thoughts and feelings stop reading. Unless i decide to comeback i guess im back to sqaure one. I originally came here to try and release some issues cuz working out all the time was just going to make me really muscualr and short. I guess it kind of hurts to know ive brought my self down to this level by accepting what ive been given and not staying strong with my thoughts. So i'll leave here with the ony thing i know is true. I'm Tai Elias Aczon and wether you think of me as a loser, faggot, a hero, or just your average joe, i'll continue to better myself. I'll be that better person, the only thing that will stop me is the only thing that stops anyone. Death.

How unfortunate we are

ahaha i guess more people have been reading my thoughts more than i thought (wierd sentence). But thats how most things go, you either over analyze or don't analyze a situation at all and it causes problems. In a way I indirectly started caused a problem that didn't need to happen. But in the end it really isn't my fault. Whats done is done and there really is no use in fretting over silly situations, which is easier said than done. I'm lacking in my physical and emotional awarness. I can say things that i don't mean and it could start stuff. But thats just how things are and there is no way to really change that. I find it confusing to see why some people overreact over something silly, but i myself do it all the time. That is the irony of every human today, we are all hypocrites and it amuses me. Our very self awarness and judgements are contradicted by what we say and do, and its fascinating to see how many times people can contradict themselves. I;m no special subject to that matter and i find that by secluding myself out of that mass of people i am sort of upholding myself in a god likes manner. Which is not what i intend. I'm a normal human being and theres nothing extraordinary about me. All those lame sounds i make with my mouth are out there for anyone to learn. Anything that has been learned can be taught a numerous amount of times. Most people stay ignorant to the basics and that's why our society fails. As a whole, we learn nothing and continue to repeat past mistakes. I continue to cover myself at school, people continue to make mistakes that can be fixed, life just keeps going in a circle. It's unfortunate that this circle of mistakes will cease to exist only with the death of our species.

Paranormal Activiy.

Today was a good day. i woke up at seven had breakfast, then relaxed until about 1 pm. I stepped outside and the crisp sun was devouring the sky of clouds. The blue of the sky was beaufiful, so i took a jogg all the way to community park then got a ride back (man was a tired). The highlight of my day was actually When i went to see paranormal activity with Ris and my new good friend rah and hew new "talking buddy". The movie wasnt nearly as good as it was hyped up to be, but i promise you that i probably wont be able to sleep for another few hours (estimated time around 4 AM). I felt the pulse of Ris's hands come in sync with mine, it was wierd i havent felt that in a long time. In that moment i didn't care about the movie or the gum i placed my foot on, or Rah poking my back making it uncormfatble. All i thought about was her heartbeat, and the calmness of mine. Until i relaized that i was holding her hand i was fine, when i realized i found my heart fluttering again and it was all of a sudden really hot. The sight of her eyes made it that much worse, not only was it a scary part in the movie but her eyes made my fluttering heart turn into sort of a hummingbird flying around. In general i was freaking out. Wether or not Ris likes me, i felt something just a little stronger tonight, i thought that maybe she COULD have feelings for me. I'm ok if she just wants to be friends, as long as everyone is happy, especially her, my happiness only extends are far as i let it, and if that means giving up something for someone to be happy ill do that. There was drama though, and now im intertwined in this knot. This guy really likes Ris, but she doesnt like him back, and because of his actions and how he hold his ideals in this situation he brings more drama into Ris's DT (drama triangle). Emotions and feelings seem to drive our very thoughts and actions, which leaves me to conclude that if i can supress my emotions, my thoughts and actions would be clear and in control. I could then assess matters at hand and take aprehend drama by the neck and throw it in the trash where it belongs. I beleive that i deserve what i deserve. The night before nella was driving me to and fro from place to place, The silhouette of her face againts the bright lands and dark background helped me obtain complete control, i thought of the past and this time accepted it. She wall always know me for who i am. for once i had fun, REAL FUN. It carried over to tonight, with Ris. I wont forget how it felt to hold the hand of the girl of everyones dreams, Ive held the girl of my dreams, now i had the chance to hold the girl of everyones dreams. The one person who, own their own, could single handedly turn the school inside out without even trying. I can't imagine what it would be like if she actuall use that power. I really cant because im dozing off.. Good night. Ill leave her with this thought. Beauty leads to the peronality which can lead to the destruction of a possible relationship, So far Ris is one of the few girls who beauty on the outside matches that on the inside and i find that hard to find. The only girl who had that at one time was nella ( I beleive she may still have it). MY question is, can i match that?

Drama

I want to help Ris out. There really is nothing i can do do, this is a problem that is going to have to wait. My motives are different, i want to do something to prove myself worthy, i know it's a cliche' idea. I'm not doing it to win her over or anything to do with that, i'm doing it because that's what a real friend does, thats how anything starts with a base. That base is a friend. Even if im not the one, i want to be Ris's friend, you know that guy she can tell stuff to when things get bad, or that comfort umbrella when things get bad. I've tried my best with nella, but it seems she is doing fine on her own. I'm not doing this because i have no one else to do it for. I'm doing because i see something different in Ris that i don't see in others. No its not a crush or anything, i just see something different. Shes not your typical pretty face, no personality girl. And unfortunately many mistake her for that. It's not until you really talk to her that you understand what kind of person she is. Shes free floating, getting by on the goods but trying to stay away from drama. Unfortunately drama will always trail her with all those guys following her scent, like a mouse hovering towards some cheese in those old saturday morning cartoons. Thats what really got me, as much as it follows her she doesnt want it. I realize that smile is her personality, down to earth, and simple. She's a human being just like myself, not some goddess i imagined her to be three years ago (three years ago nella meant the same). I guess Ris could be considered one though because of the way she looks (ooh boy words cannot describe that), but through all that she's kind of like me. Except probably a bit more on the less wierd side. I could go on and on, but that would not mean anything because actions speak louder than words. When time passes i will have to think of something bigger than singing in a rally. That's childs play.


on the day though, it was pretty fair. you know school, lunch with friends, library for homework, then just cihlling at home. Tomorrow i plain for a harder work out because i didnt do anything today... im going to get fat :(. But most importantly im just worried about getting good grades and becoming that soccer player i want to be. Through every problem there is a solution wether it be good or bad i want to find the solution to my problems. I must search for my own answers and attain the goals i set for myself. Ris and feelings i have for others fall in line with my success.

I see

I feel better this morning knowing im going to school in a better state of mind. Im going to go finish up my breakfast but i just wanted to leave start my day off with a few words. You can gain anything in life if you work hard enough, play your cards right, nothing can stand in your way. I won't rush things, and if somethings not meant to be ill leave. I know where my friends are and i know who still cares out there. Now i'm truly awake.--Tai

Here we are

Today was just another day. I actually finished all my homework as after i got home i took a nap. Iwoke up around 6 40 then went for a jogg. I need to get in better shape. i came back around 720 and had my protein shake after i did my minimun of at least 100 crunches. Tommorrow since there is no game im going to to try and have a hard workout after i do my hw. I realize the real me but im really starting to doubt my abilities in anything, and i finally see that its killing me. I startred this year out confident, hell i even sang to a girl infront of the whole school, but i find that strength dwindling away. I need to fix that, i need that sort of power back in me. I really find myself on the edge of a lot of things, and i think im really close to falling. At least now i have someone there holding me up even if she isnt physically there. Nella. I'll just be my true self more often, i guess people want to see that. Either way i just hope maybe people still like me, for me. If i can continue on my path maybe even Ris is attainible.

good morning

"well tai, regardless of everything that happens. i still care about you. and i really want the best for you. i hope you dont change because of her, and beecause you want to be cooler, etc. please still be tai. because the tai i knew was a real person. who laughed with real laughter, and saw a lot of real natural beauty in the world. he looked at the bright side, and knew who he was. and who his real friends were.
just a word of advice, that will probably not even mean anything to you."


I am seen as that person changing her eyes. I'm really not trying to be cooler because that's a waste of time. But this is all the reassurance i've been looking for, everything i needed to hear from someone. I think it's my turn to step up now. good morning world

im done for tonight

A third post. Tonight im gaining ideas. I have a new though. Its cold hearted but its just a thought. Some people don't deserve life like others. Im not saying that horrible people should be deprived of life. Im just implying that genearlly good people deserve more then what there given. I honostly at this point don't know where i am. I'm leaning to the bad side or the " other" end of the spectrum. Ive been thinking a lot more about stuff, and i still cant find some conclusions. The fact is im only 16 and i have to continue leaving to find them

pretty wierd. im doing two posts in a day? i guess people start reading these crap posts more then i thought. That being the case i really don't care. They'll finally see my true thoughts. I guess im here because i have really no control over anything anymore. i cant do hw right now because i cant focus at all. Just looked at some new homecoming pictures. I found myself pondering the thought what if i was him, what if i could go back and change the past. Saying that i wouldnt change anything is cliche' and i know there a few things id like to change. I feel kind of empty right now, i really can't explain it, but the pit of my stomach is aching for something. I miss what i use to call my best friend. I guess i really do. God can't bring back feelings that have been left for dead. If he can't then nobody can i guess. Guessing for losers who don't know anything, i guess im being one. Emotions stem from something, and that source is constantly moving. The thing is, i don't want that source to leave. Even if it does hurt to have it around. I want this new day to come quicker.

Another day, another dollar, another thought

Today was pretty fun, a lot of laughs. grades are still on a slow rise. I think I can finish the year that hasnt even really started. Ive come across another problem that many people have. We all perceive the world differently, What i see beautiful is probably ugly to someone else. Our inability to understand other sides of a story causes drama to inflate and emotions to hieghten. THe real problem is that many people beleive there side of the story is accurate. Our veiws on something are always right and no one else's matters. For an example there is this very beautiful young woman at our school ( and yes she happens to be that girl i danced with). It seems that a lot of peoples views on her are filled with sometype of useless bullshit that they find, to hate or dislike her to an extreme extent. Problems or little things that they find true or accurate when in fact on an overlooking spot there wrong. In this problem i go around hearing everyons side of the story so i can piece toogether what the hell is really go on. It reall is just a big misunderstanding. I guess what i trying to display is an everyday mistake we will always (including myself) make. I can only see as far as i can see for myself. The only thing stopping me from seeing farther into a deep situation is my standing point. In order to be on top I have to walk around and see what is going on like im doing now. Im really not all that great of a person and wether or not people think that i continue to think negatively on myself so i can continue to improve. Some say i can be Modest, i beleive im just and idiot making the best with what i have. Some say i can be sweet, but i beleive im not sweet enough. some say I'm cute, but i know that i no where near that. Many say i am " hella good" at soccer, but in reality im really not good enough. some say she likes me, but i beleive that she couldn't. I perceive things a little lesser then they should so i can build up things i need to work on, and continue building on my strongpoints. I dont know if im being to negative smoetimes though, but thats just another limitation given to me by myself. Tomorrow i will make the best day i can with what i have. I want too see that smile, the smile nella has nothing on. Those warmth in her eyes, that contrasts the cold when im stared down by nella. The only thing that she cant beat is that nella is the only nella. But Ris( new name for the girl i dance with, i find it catchy) is the only Ris. Just thinking about Ris i want to begin this new day, nella has someone new, why dont I?

A finding

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

--Probably one of my favorite songs. this is just a snippet of the full song. just felt like sharing is all.

Now for the day.

I found myself wondering among people just going through the motions feeling nothing. I was dead tired but i was also pressured, by the very feelings i can't show. Today wasnt a bad day though. i was just very tired. My class with this person was great, i love to see that bright smile. Her eyes seem to look straight through me, those eyes calm me. Nella on the other hand (new name for old Lia) was the same, i look at her soft face and remember the past, remebering the past helps nothing. I relized as much as we continue to grow, our basic entities thrive only around those we care for most. My true person is shown around her and my close friends ( maybe even this girl i danced with. But i just haven't shown nella this real me because i have no reason too. Either way it wouldn't matter because whatever action i take wont mean anything. Even if nella said " i like you because it's you" i dont know if i could beleive that. Im past words and texts. I want to see it in person, i want to feel it. I understand that some people reading this are like. wth? who is this guy? this sorry sack of flesh that your reading of can be considered a part of the real Tai. I readily unleash myself to the world and this place is one of the only ways i can continue to keep in track of my emotions. Aside from the typing advancements an online diary, and friends, i am here soley for myself. to Releive myself of every day stresses that nobody would want to listen to. I find, on the contrary, that maybe someone would like too listen out there. If thats the case someone out there has to feel me in some way. I will continue on my own story, maybe if I AM( I REPEAT, I AM) lucky, you will take part in it.

Fastbreak, awake,

I couldn't really finish the last blog because my keyboard was freaking out. I guess Lia thinks i have changed a lot. I really have, but thats only the make up on the mask. My morals and ideas submerge when i'm not around people i can trust as much. Which brings me to the conclusion that I can be as elusive as the spongey make up and lies she puts on her face. It's a very cruel thing to say, but Lia knows nothing of me. I know nothing of her. All i can do is assume the worst so the reality of her decisions arent as bad. I lower my bar for her so i don't feel so bad when she decides to "love" this new guy. So when i hear all this stories " oh they made out" or " theyre so cute" I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW ANYONE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. I fancy the idea that I am worth at least something.But really nobody should be anything, i have a feeling that whatever karma has in store for me. Good or Bad. I will need it, more than anyone including myself could understand. what a good morning for another "great" day. ( visions of a feeling, the essence of what i once had floats inside my head till death do us part) i am who i want to be.

The evening after homecoming.

Just got back from the library. im tired as hell. that 9 am soccer game killed me because i only got about 4 hours of sleep. Im still thinking about everything that happened last night and i don't regret really too much.Oh yeh i guess i gave this person myblog site which i just now realized wasnt the smartest thing i ve done in my life. I'm still going to update everything on here because i just i like the simplicity of this blogging site. It's like a diary in a way. Day to day feelings and things i want to remember. I still vividly remember my dance ahahha. Im probably a loser for remembering anything but it feels good to know that i may have feelings for someone other than Mrs. Lia ( thats what i am going to call here in this entries). I guess she wants to know who it is, but i want to talk to her in person about everything. I want to apologize for how i acted also, but in a way i also needed to do what i did. I released so much negative energy (XD i sound like one of those Zen losers). I really hope that i have another chance to hold someone that close again. Especially Ms. PYT ( thats what ill be calling the girls i danced with from now on). I guess i've been beleiving the lie that i don't Ms PYT. In fact i forced myself to beleive i didnt like anyone for awhile. I know for a fact that i may feel more than just a crush. But i don't want her to know that.aaa

HOMECOMING

I felt her silky dress ooze through my fingers as we stepped to the beat. It was a slow song and i could feel the heat rising off of her skin, my heart would flutter at every step which made me very uncomfortable. But it was worth the while as i held her in my arms. A few times i thought the song ended so i sort of messed up :). She still owes me two dances, but one could be enough for a lifetime. Words cannot describe what i would like to say. So i just decide not to say them, Someone of her stature would frown upon me. For a little bit i thought maybe i felt something, even if it was little, just something to hold on to, not just a memory a feeling. Something i haven't felt in what seems a long time. I don;t want to be selfish so ill hide my feelings away for the time being. On the other hand this " person" brought her friends from frisco. I have to say it did bother me. But i knew she wouldnt care either way, were not on the best of terms. I guess hes a really nice guy and i can't beat that. Maybe if i just danced with her once as a friend i would have felt better. But i didnt let it bother me. I had a good time. And just one dance with one person made my day. I will continue to pursure what i should be pursuing. well i gotta sleep. i have about 7 hours before my soccer game...... aishiteru

Today is the day

Home coming day. i have a soccer game in a bit and i have one tomorrow at nine. I wish i didnt have a game sunday but i guess thats how it is. Tonight is probably going to be a wierd night, i want to make this funnest night as possible. im not going to be an idiot and pop pills or do drugs and drink, like some people i know. I'm going to have fun on my time without the bullcrap. I guess im just worried that if i see her with him i won't be able to control myself. Hopefully that isnt the case. I know that one of most beautiful girls known to man promised me three dances :). I kind of wish i had a date, but i made the decision on going stag. I realize that a lot of things in life have a positive and negative, even if it seems good all around. If you gain money you are likely going to use it. If you have a gf you will lose her. If get straight A's, you will have had to sacrifice something to get them. If you go to church you may be praying to something that doesnt exist. Thats what i feel like right now. i feel half and half about tonight. Maybe i'm just overthinking everything. But sometimes the only thing you can do is assume things when the person you care ffor most has stripped you of most of your self-confidence. When she leaves you and the only thing you feel is pain and anger. The loss of control you get when she turns around and calls youa bitch because you just had to say something stupid to her friend. I really can't help it. She unknowingly chips away at my shoulders; i know shell never realize how much it hurts. but thats only whats flowing in my head at the moment. Tonight will be a goodnight just like that annoying song. just another morning --Tai

Awake

Wierd morning, i always fall asleep right before she texts me. So i was out around 10 30. Woke up around 630. I got in a good eight hours of sleep with a pretty goo dream. It seems things can get better if i take that chance and use me resources. Today i will do that.

Some day

Its been a couple days since i last posted. Today was alright i guess. I got to school once again. it was cold an boring. Patrick still cracking tons of black jokes. Our world is beyond screwed up. we find disgusting jokes and horrible things funny, and it doesnt help much that im a part of that. Our morals and ideas slowly dwindle away. My ideas of being a gentlmen seem to be worthless in this new era. It's pathetic to see how mean people really can be. I myself, im not the nicest guy, but i put respect of my friends way above my own. Which brings me to the conclusion.. do i treat myself like shit? am i too hard on myself. I feel like im weighing down on my own capabilities sometimes, my own feelings, my feelings for this new person., school, sports; and the only person who would continue to treat me like dirt. Life is a cruel unforgiving mass of emotions and experiences waiting to be kicked so it can reprobate in another direction. But in all bad there is good. I can't change whats happened so the only thing i can do is work that much harder to get to my goals. I'll have my day.. some day

What a day

Today soccer was bullshit. we played a bullshit team and won 5-1. but we also play like crap. I lost all hope in our team. We have many talented players but none of them want to imrpove like i do. To make the gold team i have to make it there myself. Got to my D dogs party and it was fun. But that one girl decided to leave us for some guys she likes. She ditched us and d dogs party for some jap fag. I'm beggining to hate myself and my heart can't take anymore strain from her bullshit. i hate to admit it but shes killing me. Shes hacking away at the connection between my heart and brain. Im left confused without any knowledge of what i should do. I hate my inability to imrpove both mentally in physically in soccer and this girl. I can't move up in the ranks if i cant do simple stuff. I hate my life i hate this town. i hate emotions.. If i could go emotionless for the rest of my life i would do that. our world is coming to an end, and end that only we can stop but we wont. I know for a fact our lives are worthless in the grand scheme of things. Wther i beleive in god or not. God has nothing to do with the pain i feel day to day.

I awoke to the message " he's coming to visit". Is this the end of me? I'm still disoriented by my dreams and i hope that this message remains to be one. I can't comprehend the emotions that will be vomitted when i meet him. Either this will be a stregnthing, or this will be my demise. Just another morning --Tai

another boring Rant

I hate that fact that i cant accomplish what i want. I want to become a better soccer player, i want to be that better person. every step i take, my goal seems that much farther away. My grades arent the best right now and im having a hard time with everything thats been happening. Today was nother horrible day. I woke up and shoveled the hot oatmeal into my mouth. The sugar and butter glided past my throat and too my stomach. I sat in my disgusting car and foundmyself outside in the cold filling up the tires with air. school was just another motion i went through to get by without thoughts of you. thats not what it should be. school is my job and i am paid with grades. Your getting in the way of my thoughts just as much as i am getting in the way of me. I guess just family problems have been getting to me. i hate ranting and this is pretty much another boring bullshit of a blog. I cant find words to describe my emotions because there all mixed. Im happy to find that maybe someone beautiful likes me. I am angered with the fact that i still care for someone myself. I'm furious because life is just the way it is. The reality is im just another spec in the little knowledge we have of the world outside of earth. Im literally nothing, thats what everything should mean to me nothing. I'm typing without a cause and im loving without one too. This whole entry is just a scavenger hunt of my emotions of feelings. Thinking about it, i guess im still hurt. i need to clear my mind to succeed and i may need someones help. I don't want to be a failure anymore. I'll slowly make my way back up. Even if your still that burden on myshoulders. i wont drop you. I'll carry you because other than succeeding, i know how i feel about you.

Sleep please

I'm awake. Nothing important. I feel better in my sleep than i do when im alone and awake. Sometimes i want to sleep forever but i know i would miss my friends. I keep having glimpses of you in my dreams. I hate it. My words are as weak as they are strong, my actions are nothing to your thoughts, and more then what you perceive. I miss my old friends, but i'm still happy with my new ones. Whats important in life is only what you find to be important. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Another morning. --Tai