Bed time

Im going to hit the hay right now. Well in a bit. Today was different. After Justin left i went to the wight room then kicked to the ball around. Left to peters house later on that night, then went to daniels where they had a big toxic bonfire. And they peed on it so i smelled like burnt piss.. what i day. Im excited for tommorrow. Hopefully i can make it to the city with my new friend :)

i just realized someone indirectly made me write for them on a place that i defined my own. Nobody has really done that to me before

I can't title thoughts anymore

I feel horrible, i don't know why, i mean im not ditching anybody, my parents won't let me go. I've ditched my friends before (mistakes i regret) and ive never felt this bad? what is it within me that makes me feel so low. To leave a new close friend at home.

I want to be this person, this person, this me? Maybe i'm already that guy and i'm just to blind to see that truth ahead of me. I think ive been making steady progress with my own thoughts and ideals. Yet i still feel so far away from reaching my goals. Stress without a reason, I didn't think i could meet anyone that would be able to calm me. Calm me from  Julia. Release me of my inner thoughts so maybe my inner thoughts could be shared. But more importantly release me from myself. This new feeling, its not an exaggeration of the truth, infact its the truth itself that brings me hear. Truthfully, i don't remember feeling this happy in a long time. With someone i just met.

I've learned new things. Things she thought would scare me away, at first i thought id be scared too. But i wasn't scared at all, infact i felt closer.. if that sounds wierd to you i dont care. For her i want to, rather im going to be there for her. There is no curse set on anyone, and if its on you. Id share it with you. She is the true proof of existence. Its wierd, she is the definition of the very words i follow. 212, live, love and learn. I know im not the best guy out there, but i want to be there for someone who might need me, for someone that i need. It all happened kinda of quicked. But ive opened up to someone that ive basically just met.

I dont open up to anyone, im use to saying unethical things, so people misjudge and think im something else. So they don't look at me and think of me as pathetic for thinking the way i do. Like the way im thinking right now. This comfort, that sensation in the pit of my stomach. Telling me to stay.

I realize why i all of a sudden felt like going to Greg's little sausage fest movie night. Something made me, maybe just that will to hang out with close friends. Maybe the answer to my prayers. Ive been praying for just anytihng a sign, somebody, maybe just a flower anything, to show me that someone does care ( besides some of my best buds) but shares thoughts with me. Won't make me do tons of work just to hang out with her. Because i realize now id do it myself. My sign, was met that night. I was suppose to be there because I was suppose to meet this new friend of mine. I know now that im suppose to follow my gut and stay around her. Not because im lonely or stupid. But because i know that she was brought to me, or rather i was led to her because i truly needed her. '

Fate or not, life just keeps suprising me. I will continue on my path, setting my own stones. and hopefulyl this time. I have a close friend that will set hers together with mine. So maybe in the future i can return the favor, because You have helped me more then i could probably understand. And i want to do the same for you.





I know life isnt a fairy tale.. but i want maybe for just once. To help make someones better. I'm not saying i want to be around you because i feel bad. but I want to be around because i like to be around you. Im still trying to find myself, admist my own problems. But i want to leave you with a message. That no matter where you go, even if you forget me and lose me in memories. I'm always going to be here willing to listen and comfort you like you have done for me. There are no strings attached, because i dont do that to close friends, when they need help. I want you to realize that even if im not that guy in silver armor on a white horse, i want to try to make it so you won't have to fake a smile. I know you have friends back home who may listen. But i want to listen to. Home is where people think of you. Where your heart is. I hope you accept us as maybe your second home

Im scared of what im thinking, i dont want to be left alone again. I don't want to be sucked in to another situation that i cant work my way out of again. I still don't fully understand why this " silly new girl" happens to be the person I can open up to so easily. But im ok with it, she has a name, with real thoughts and emotions i can relate to. 

I tried to write this for you, but it turns out more of a self help for myself. I apologize if you think my thoughts are ugly, but i find yours beautiful.

Proof of Existence

Full of energy, excitement, i feel like proclaiming my joy to the world. Why so? What brings forth such animation in my feelings and thoughts. Well. Really there is many things 


It started as soon as break started. My grades didn't turn out as i wanted, or how i worked, So i went into thinking. I understand my faults and i want to continue on my ultimate goal. Because in the end school is just a stepping stone that will set me up so i can get a job that pays well and won;'t be boring for the rest of my life. 


The realization of the feelings of others. The actuality of what is going on, that correct answer to what is being felt. I didn't really get my answer yet i got it. " I accept that you don't like me, But i don't accept the pain" is what i said to her. I finally understand my mistakes and what i must to build off that, and move away from the very person who will continuously ignore me. I really do accept the the "fate" or our ending. It seems i don't get that famous disney ending, but maybe something better. And that better is something ill build off of after correcting the final thoughts on this certain matter.


Basically I really will do what it takes, and it seems a lot easier then before, to get rid of this sort of curse on my heart. I finally understand, and can wield my knowledge and release it upon the real world. At last i have suceeded in something other than chores.


I met someone new :) . A friend of sorts, a good friend indeed. It hasnt been long since we met, but she just fits right in, like kind of a " too good" in like we have all know her for a long time. We click, like how i constantly click on the mechanical pencils while taking a test, and the eraser is sort of chaffing from the constant clicking of the pencil, until i realize what is before me and stare up at what has been given to me in awe and wonder. How could i feel like this? towards someone i barely know? Am i awake? i have to be, my cat is still biting my leg. Goosbumps, slight tickling in my stomach, why now? why?


What has come upon me, this new friend is my friend? Truly amazing, could fate have brough us together? I don't fully beleive in fate, but in a way i'm certain we were suppose to meet, certain that you would help ease the pain unknowingly on my side, and maybe i would help ease yours. It's crazy, thoughts, proof of thoughts.



"LIFE is my PAINTING. i am the artist. i am the color. i am the lines. i shape every moment. yes i have help along the way, people can help me create an idea, but i choose with lines to draw, which color to fill. people judge the PAINTING im creating. they think its not good enough or i dont have the will to finish it. yes there are days where i think i cant go on, but im determined to finish my PAINTING how i see fit. ill make mistakes and wish i can erase, but thats not the joy of LIFE...of my PAINTING. in LIFE you cant erase, so why would you on a PAINTING? mistakes are the things you learn from and grow from, everyone makes them. some are harder on themselves about their mistakes and constantly think less of their PAINTING. i enjoy the mistakes ive made. i dont wish to erase, cause if i erased those mistakes i wouldnt be the person i am today, the strong willed person that gets me through the tough times, the wise person who knows right from wrong, the person who stands with their feet ever so firmly on the ground. everyone has their own PAINTINGS. a PAINTING is a story, how you wish to see things or to experience things or finish or make a goal. a PAINTING is the artists eyes on paper, the way they see the world. LIFE is a PAINTING, draw and color how you see fit. im creating my PAINTING. and no matter what anyone says, my PAINTING...my LIFE is a masterpiece. its my masterpiece." --Kailine


Pure, utterly words spewed from the confines of another person, This is the proof of existince, the proof that someone out there thinks, breathes and talks of pure emotion, with thought. Words from the Heart that i still try to write myself, i analyze i overthink, i tihnk to much, but i still think. That is the basis of it all, Raw thought. Katie brings raw heart with thought to the table, completing my own thoughts. IT's crazy. like i said this click is out of control. I can't put a word on what i feel right now, I guess im sad because her stay is short, But overyjoyed with just the slight thought of someone who can relate to me. My christmas came true, even if she goes home, and forgets about me. At least i know, at some point in time, someone was able to fully relate to me, Infact i dont want to lose that.


Everything good is happening so fast its amazing. I stop looking and it starts happening. Incredible, its outstanding i cant exlpain what i truly feel right now. This is true inner beauty, i think maybe i truly have found it for the time being, but ill keep my gaurd up just in case. Yet i feel like i can let it down, just this once.




Its utterly amazing, I feel like i can't get all my thoughts down, because im just so overwhelmed. So ill end it like this.



A worm is a worm because it rejected the human form, the form we are known to be in, What are different forms of humans? they cant be classified as humanoids? maybe there not human at all? To exist one must coexist with others, and with this coexistence there is often problems, through problems we learn or we don't. We form natural boundries from where we speak of us truly, and speak of lies, We tell lies to make things easier. I tell the truth so the truth can be said, I realise that to keep the car going u cant run out of gas and u cant crash. If you crash u can get your car rebuilt. Life is like a car, we need to be refuueled taken care of, if we crash we have to get back up to survive. All things made by human hands can be used as an analogy to humans themselves. Live can be a like a blender, constontly choping the facts and truth, or a microwave heating up the situations and serving them up too hot. Maybe a freezer? cold dull, boring. All possibilities. And to continue on with life, i will continue to choose my own paths, maybe if im lucky YOU!, will choose the cabinets with me, so we can open up to each other and share our own thoughts and ideals. Or maybe you will choose the pencil with me, so we can continue writing our story together.


Its corny but its true
The choice is yours.
This is the Proof of Existence... free will, feelings, emotions, spontanious arrival of new people, the arrival of an "old friend".. living life itself

jumbled

I don't really know. I've been really happy actually. I just feel like i need to touch the ball a bit more, maybe go for a jog like around 7 or 8 cuz ive been waking up at 10 to do it.
I feel lazy but thats really what break is for, But i can't be lazy if i want to make that gold team. Like i said i've been really happy, just letting go of the all the hate that i had towards someone who probably wouldnt acknowledge me. Pathetic on my part, but im glad i realize now what my mistake was, so i don't continue to follow the human condition to some extent, Essentially i think that we ourselves, are just animals. Well that is basically what we are, but we throw away our natural instincts for what we perceive as "law and order". In many ways this is bad, considering that a lot of our actions are based of emotions that people (especially myself) tend to hide. Because of our emotion based actions it's good that people can control themselves in some shape or form.

For some reason i still continue to hide those emotions? Why? Is it because that I'm just so use to not telling anyone anything?

The low humm of the dishwasher was sort of calming. Actually it was very calming. I sunk into the off purple couch, and found myself in a midsleep sort of state. I could hear everything that was going on the talking, the scrubbing of the kitchen floor, my friends hard asthmatic breathing. I literally faded into the couch, i took in all the sounds, thuoghts jumpling around my head, and formed an image of myself. Rather i formed images of myself. What i use to be, what i could be, what I dream to be, What i want to be, the worst in me, the good in me, myself in others eyes, myself in your eyes, myself in the mirror, myself with friends, myself with family. In five minutes of just sitting on a couch, i compiled a set of images. Images of what i may be me. I dont know what to do with those images, but i feel like knowing what i can or can't be limits/ sets a bar for me to break. Seeing possibilities kind of gives me a boost of self worth or value.

I really can't think right now. I'm dead tired from all the hanging out and workout stuff. maybe ill pick up on my thoughts in the morning

Open

I'm such a fucking idiot. What school would except a 3.0 GPA. I Got lazy, and restless. I thought i could withstand the stress of the serious famiyl problems I don't talk or type about in this little blog of mine. I Let everything get to me, what i don't have, what i want to have, the fact that i can never staisfy my hunger to get better (when can i just be happy with myself). Truthfully, for the longest time, Julia has been holding me back too. It's not that she herself was doing it, in fact really i should be blaming myself, she just happens to be the face that comes to mind when I'm just thinking. Or the name i almost write when writing my name on the top right hand corner of my class assignments.

Not only do i have a horribly fucking low GPA i continue to just disgust myself. I'm not acceling in soccer, i'm not as good as i want to be, Brandon got better by himself. Why can't I? It's only natural that i'm mad at myself for failing at my goal, but i'm afraid even if i do good on this next semester i won;t please myself. I mean theres a chance that if i kick my ass Second semester and get that 4.1 I will actually feel good. But knowing how i think, i always want to be that much better, If i get a 4.1 i would say something like " i should of taken more honrs and AP classes".

I'm really stressed out. This break i should take the time and focus on family. The people who will call back when i call them. Ask if im feeling well. Carry me when im falling like now, and love me when i love them. I'll take this break and use up every second and squeeze time until break ends. So when i'm back at school. I'm prepeared to take on a harder new year, and achieve and reach that goal. So i won't slack and get anything below a 4.0. I'm such an idiot. Well thats what i feel like. I will also take this break, to get over her and move on, Actually try this time. Pain is indeed inevitable, as are mistakes. But the misery and the learning only comes from me. To end my pain i have to get over her, over someone who doesn't even have feelings for me, someone im too attached too. I must learn from my mistakes and take what i learned and apply it to the real world. Use my resources more, study , sleep , eat , work out, stay in shape, go kick the ball, talk To " Young Uh" ( new nickname nobody will know) maybe go to the movies with her, Do my laundry, Live Love . and more importantly 212.

To all those i have treated unfairly. Cruel. I am a jerk. And i do recognize that i am mean. Infact out of everyone im Sorry Christain, you always put up with me. Allison C. , ehh your not so bad anymore forgive me. Julia: i guess everything in a sense is my fault, i know not all of it is, but i have been contiously mean to you only thinking of how i feel, I guess in a way i think like you sometimes. Daniela: we havent hung out in awhile, im still mean to you, but im a jerk and your a jerkl back thats how we role ahah.TTAD: For leaving you guys, forgetting who my friends are. Mom and Dad for not appreciating you enough. For all the new friends i've been born into, Kevin, Nick, Ari , Gaby, Ann, Brett, Peter (once again), Patrick, Matt, Kameron, ( THE WHOLE DAMM H.A.C.) and Alan, Greg, Aman, Vincent, Rissa, Convey, Miggy (COME BACK). You guys are hell of funny, and i promise to treat you guys good as long as were hanging out. and you guys stop leaving me at lunch and pizza pirate!


This break is the starting point for a hopefull new and improved Tai Aczon. New years Resolutions are going to be met this new year.

In my head there are thoughts, ideas, plans. On my bones there are tools, ready to carry out those ideas. Inside me, past my heart and into my true being, the one only seen by those who know me best, Is the man I'm going to be. The man that doesn't need to be explained to anyone because through the actions he takes people know him. They see him and see the good in him.He's not perfect. He's a leader. A man ready to take on challenges like he used to. I lost that man amidst all the stress and turmoil. I'm going to bring him back.

Tai Aczon IS coming BACK.

Today

" ....It makes me want to fall in love again..."

I dislike living in a world where i coexist with someone who will continuously render my thoughts useless. Making me feel like it's my fault without even saying a word or looking at me. Telling me that she doesn't care. I guess i was just another "relationship". I continue to act dumb and do stupid thing, not because i like to all the time. But, so maybe im not unhappy all the time, sitting around doing nothing. I have finals, and i have to focus.
Ill treat my emotions and like you treat me, Ill put them off to the side, and let them gather dust. Until there to weak to really be seen or heard. Thats the problem with you though. I'm going to be heard this time.

Wish me luck in chem and us history finals

awake... but dead

I'm awake now. I dreamt of war. A self made war.

The bombs dropped and i continued to run with my friends. We jumped and scurried along the cold soft earth as endless rain continued to clean us of our wrongdoings. Boom and explosion, i was sent flying , no feeling. Am i dead? Maybe it would be better if i was, no more pain. No worries. I look up the bombs are still flying...am i in hell? the rain continues to pour and it slaps me in the face as if to wake me up. I sat up in the trench and found a splinter in my knee. wood or metal the splinter in my knee was giving me un imaginble pain, yet... i got up stumbling forward after the prize. The prize of the secret cave of airplanes. The prize of coming home and being able to hold my family close. The grand prize of being able to see you one more time. I kept on tumbling staggering up the steep incline with the agnozing pain in me knee messing with my vision. The green on the trees seemed to be withering away in the silence of bombs dropping and led pumping. My vision blurred and i found myself awake in a cave. I'm alive. U.S. airplanes came swooping by killing off remainding enemy soldires. I look over the battlefield and i saw what should not be seen. Thousands upon thousands of dreams, hopes. Lay dormant.. no.... gone while lying in any way. Face up face down, no head, half a head, blood everyywhere, in the river, completely oblitered in blasts. thoughts and ideas that come before death sought refuge and took shelter within me. In that second a mere second of looking out there. I cried, i threw up blood, i was going to live, but i threw up blood for my comrades. My friends, my enemies who died in this war. We found a working plane and i passed out while hoppping onboard. I awoke with the splinter still in my knee, we made it back to our headqaurters. Just then, i saw more recruits coming along. My very friends from benicia. I YELLED SCREAMED, NO. They looked at me like i was crazy, i was still vomiting a bit of blodd. I lost...


all a dream..

Internally this is what is going on inside me. this is both a dream and my feelings right now.

Except only the people reading this would know that.

Rain

Today was a day. But i guess in a way different. Went to Sarah's house and just chilled there. Had a little bit to drink but nothing big, i don;t like to get drunk, nor have i really ever, nor at the time i spent there did i ever get drunk. As soon as i stepped into the bright house, my friend comes stumbling over to me with a big welcoming hug. ahah what a friend indeed. Later on i guess uknowingly (or being kinda dumb ) she invited julia and her friend trent over.
Being the idiot i am i didn't know how to deal with it this time. Rather, i didn't want to deal with it this time. I was inches a way from wielding my hate and anger. Moments away from releasing my world hate upon my unlucky victim. What keeps me from doing this? is it my common sense, my will to do whats right in situations that are above regular ones? Is it because i want to see the roses stay glued upon her cheeks as i continue to hurt myself? Is it because im to weak? Am i a failure? Do i have what it takes to bring myself above and beyond, actually reaching my own expectations.

I perceive this whole situation in the same light i perceive everything else, thats the downside to how i tihnk. When it comes to my problems i can't use my omniscient views. I can't see a;ll angles but my own unless i keep my cool. But this time i didn't, I wasn't drunk, i wasn't high. I was just trying to control everything that i hold back from myself and others. I don't understand what draws me too someone who will tell me something that makes me feel like the world. Then leaves me out to dry and the rain with someone "new". Why do i continue to stay back at home base, when everyones making it around twice. " Everyone has that somebody.. but you have to get over it, move on and make a new one"- Jaun carlos.

He said that to me. in that same monotone voice that he speaks when he's tired, or thinking of something else to see. But it came out so natural, i could tell he wasn't try to screw me over or anything. Maybe i'll try harder and follow those words. 

I stepped outside into the dark. The only lights that showed me my long walk to the sidewalk were the dim house lights, and the long wooden Light pole that had spiderlike telephone wires sprouting from it's head. The rain was drizzling, caressing my skin like a cat rubbing up against your leg for some food. It began to get stronger, it had a heartbeat, pulsing its tone throught my body. The rain itself was a being and entity, trying to share it's emotions with me, tell me that it was crying too. The rain got harder and i began to see the cracks in the street slither  their way across the crosswalk, like little roots to the light post. My emotions became more jumbled and the magnitude of them increased as the rain began to pour. The very foundation on which i stood on began to rattle under the roar of the rain. At times the rain would slow down like my thouhgts. Then explode like my feelings and begin to pour again. I was getting colder by the minute.. I saw my light, the cracks didn't seem like roots anymore, but just ordinary cracks. I looked up one last time and bid the rain farewell and entered the artificial warmth of my car. I looked outside and the rain contiued to pour harder as if it was sad i was leaving. I was sad too. Standing out there i exchanged feelings with something that probably didn't even exist. Yet in those 15 minutes of standing in the rain, i began to think, like before, just notice the little things, like pink flowers that would grow down the street, or how the leaves on the wet pavement seemed to turn into a oatmeal like substance. Little Useless observations that make thinking a neccesity rather than a bore.

Yet i still feel unnacomplished, like i failed, like i can't get over someone who can easily leave me behind. I want to be able to live a normal highschool life, date girls, party, get good grades. Without you constantly on my mind.  I'll have to continue to learn live and love. with 212 in my head and heart. Taking the tough road is the only way i know how to go.

So i bid you farewell, just like the ran, I'm still sad.

bleh

Got a cold. bored right now. bout to go head out to J.D's and study. then probably sarah's to chill for a bit. I'm bored out of my mind right now. What's keeping me from the world?

what am i

The life in which i've come to bear in my weak hands seems to be slowly sifting through my fingers. The fabric of reality comes to a close when i plug in my headphones and let the Dubstep's bassline pump my mind from my body. I keep say unethical things so maybe people WON'T see whats truly inside my head. My inner self, my ego isn't their. I don't have confidence in virtually anything i do, but im able to effectively cover it up every time. I guess it's been working well, but i wonder how much longer i can keep up the charade, how much time will  squander away lying to myself.

I'm restless in a way. I'm tired of letting myself seek deeper into someone, but only to have my eyes blocked again. Why do i continue on in this cycle of repetition. Is this the human way that is so broadly used in many novels out there. When im long gone, will i just be another story? I can't begin to comprehend that reality of who i really am, because i hate the person im being. I truly dislike what i am becoming, i don't have the ability to just keep on going like nothings wrong.

Depth is only measured by what people see, and in myself i see a shallow puddle. Nothing special, infact i see in that puddle some dirt from people stepping in it, maybe some trash that people left in the puddle because their too lazy to throw it away. that uknown rainbow colored oil that continues to thicken and darken the puddle. I guess what that puddle is, is the person i feel like im looking at in the mirror. The truth is, i hate myself to an extent where i don't beleive i have the power or strength to do anything about anything.


Pathetic yes. Poetic no. Simply i don't care what most of you think of me right now. Because the puddle is already as vile and disgusting as it's going to get. That's what i truly, sincerely see in myself. everything i said that contradicts what i say now, was an illusion. used to keep my thoughts from myself and all of you readers.

When

When is it my turn to be happy. Not just with girls and all that jazz. But with myself and my accomplishments? I'm always pushing myself to be better, viewing myself as not good enough. But that very strength is my weakness.

60 Days...

Im a little out of shape. Barely able to run, maybe it's the weather? or maybe im sick? either way, i could barely finish two 400 meter runs on an all out sprint. Soccer endurance is fine just track endurance is crap.

Well i guess i'll spill it. 60 days and i may not be here anymore. 60 days and i may not be at bhs. 60 days i wont be able to ignore. 60 days of constant fear. 60 days of endless amounts of tears. My chances of stay here are 50/50. My life here counts on a percent that can only be changed by us as a family. My dad is having a tough time with life. I guess it's that whole mid life crisis deal everyone hears about but ignores until it hits them. He hasn't been doing so well in work and  the basically said he has 60 days to pull it together or else he's fired. I won't lie i really am terrified. This life ive grown accustomed to hinges on the decision of one man alone. But i will be by him every step of the way. Even if that means failure. I'll fail with him. But i never give up. Thats my way. I'll pick him up along with myself. As a family i hope we can strive through this and acheive our goal. My dad isn't perfect, but he IS among some of the greatest men i know. I hold him with the greatest medal of honor that can be given, my dad. I dont know what to do really. I feel sort of in a postition were it's in a way my fault, maybe i should of been a better son, brother , friend.

60 days and ill  have the answer. Within those 60 days well find that answer and make our reality come true. In 60 days we wont be worrying about 60 days anymore. Because 60 days will pass and i beleive we will triumph.

A wink.

HOW can i BE such and IDIOT. What has come over me to allow such a stupid gesture to realease itself from this mask. When i winked that face that came after, the alarm, the response to my actions made me feel worse than any of you could feel. I;m not saying people don't feel bad. This feeling i have, of failure, of not being at the top tier, being an idiot is in fact something we all feel at one time. But the actual feeling itself disperses differently in every person. I'm really scared to do anything right now, i don;t want to see the tilt of those eyes. and the clasping of the mouth across ones face like that. EVER. How can i live with myself. I mistreat my friends, and yet i continue to live? What is it in me that makes me beleive that for just a second, JUST ONE SECOND, that i could possible be happy with what i am and do.

Im no where in life, im 16 still finding my own way. Still paving and setting down stones that i can look back on, Yet i bring forth these bad parts in me and show them to the world. Internally i see my mistakes, but i can't fix them. Is this the irony of humanity, when pandoras box was opened, is this the demon of inevitability that is spoke of. knowing that you'll make a mistake but not being able to stop it at times. i want to go back and keep myself from closing one eye. So maybe i won't feel like such an imbecile. Right now i hate myself more than i usually do on a day to day basis. Nothing you say or do will change my views unless it's some life story that has brought about some sort of significant change in your life or others. I am a completer idiot and i don;t think i will stop being one. Im just as ignorant to the truth as most people, the only difference is i seek the truth.

Maybe i should be happy where i am? just accept what i have? understand that i won't be able to hold what once held me close?

But that wouldn't be me at all. i wouldn't improve on any subject, and the way of Tai "212- plus one" handed down by coach rory to me would be a waste. I want to much, but if anything i wish, hope, dream, and i will work for what i once had. I know you don't read these meaningless posts. But regardless of what people think or say about whatever i feel. i guess.. well i know. That I love you.

weekend recap.

Not a bad weekend, hung with the guys most of the time, and worked out. just a quick recapp (if quick means maybe long if i feel long it, then quick it is)
 Friday was the tree lighting. it was pretty boring and i seemed to run into her quite a bit. I thought i was going to hang out with someone but i guess it never happened. I kinda expected her not to come, but i guess thats just how it goes. There was a fight i didnt see, but rumors going around the kids in the hospital, and im pretty sure he is after getting curbstomped, i have nothing against any of the people. But what was their true reason to fight? Why go and half kill some guy? to be hard? in a town like benicia? go back to your remedial schools and learn at least some common sense. Now if he killed your family or someone close to you, i feel it. But don't go around causing more pain and turmoil in this already tainted world.
           
        " A nigger isn't just black, they can be white, mexican or even asain. a Nigger is an idiot ignorant to the world" - Kamerons dad. ahha hell funny way to meet someones dad but he put it well

Saturday was gaby's "suprise birthday". we kidnapped her from costco ( me, wheat flakes, Cuddie Convey - ahah, and Petree) threw her in the car and drove over to pasta pomadoro and had dinner. well i didnt feel like paying so i just ate bread the old time AHAH. Hey it was pretty good though. So Tyler showed up with Ris and Nikki. wierd as hell, On top of that i guess tyler was told not to talk to us or he wouldnt get a ride home. and i guess nikki found out where we were from kameron and were going to eat dinner in the same restaraunt to cause problems. Ann was going to freak out like usual so it's a good thing they left. Tyler shoulda kicked it with us, but i dont blame him, he wouldnt of had a ride home. We all went to target afterwards then split up after target to go home. Ari's group dropped gaby back home while Cuddie Conveys (name is still funny) group took us to wheats where we chilled and watched the ring for a bit.

Sunday was just another homeowkr day, i worked out for a bit to but nothing special


after thoughts: i kinda wish i could of ddone something to help her not change the way she did. as long as she is truly happy i'll be fine too. I plan to tell her what i hold on her, but not what your thinking. I mean as in telling her what i tihnk. Not what she should do, but what i beleive to be bad. But if she doesnt like the words i sound out to her, and takes it the wrong way. i WILL feel horibble. I guess she finally understands that power she holds over everyone. As long as the smile is taking up her whole face like usual, i think ill continue nudging her in the right direction. Ill follow the path i pave. If im lucky she'll pave hers next to mind. But i won't cry if she doesn't.

Just stop and think

I know it sounds pathetic. But i feel very alone here, i have all these great friends. infact ive conquered the clique scenario, i can chill with anyone. Yet i still feel  detached from everyone, like im the only one, when i know that im really not. I really feel like less of a person just coming up here and typing this out for people to see, but i don't want to talk about it. So this is the only way i can really indirectly tell people things aren't right inside me. One of the few ways i can convey to MYSELF that im not ok. I can't lay my finger on the problem and it's beginning to corrupt my inner self. Im making the person i deceive people with the real me. I'm becoming illiterate when i say things, and im slowing the pace of my own personal growth. Misconceptions of what i say and do are not helping either. Things i try to say are jumbled in a bunch of nosnense that means nothing to anyone, not even me.

I really do like this one person. I really truly do, and i'd like it to stay hidden. Even if she knows already i don't want her to have the confirmation from me that i actually do. It's kind of embarrasing with me. I know that she probably thinks im wierd, on account of that fact that i HAVE been acting like a FREAK lately. I don't really know whats come over me. Death means nothing and life is just the day to day nothingness that i try to fill with fake words and fales demeaning accusations to people. I want to act normal again , but i guess i need to talk to someone about me true feelings. Maybe it's about time i let her know that i really deeply care for her no just as someone i like, but as a friend. and even if she doesn't care back. As long as she has that blazing white smile continues to sear the sky, and her glassy brown eyes continue to reflect the true inner beauty that im only beginning to find. I'll be as happy as i can be at this moment, even if happiness is a dull wind blowing through the trees ill deal with it and take what i got. Because that's what a true friend is, someone whos there even when you DON'T need them.

Alot of people probably are thinking who this is, or maybe they already know? Maybe people don't care at all. But the truth is i don't like anyone for a sole reason. Even if you JULIA GODDAM HAMILTON think i like someone for a single aesthetic reason, thats not the case. Your wrong, you call me shallow when you assume that i've told you everything. But, i havent scratched the surface, just run me over with your car if it's bothering you at all. Because im sure you would have no problem. I sort of envy this new girl, i mean, even though everyone has drama she came out on top. Maybe shes making mistakes, but eventually we all learn. She's is sort of the definition of what i have been looking for. Yet what im looking for is not attainible with this doll im confined within. I sort of wish i could take the name tag off and let loose all the anger and hate i have towards others, and let the adulation and benediction slowly free itself. I really do view myself lower than maybe what i really am, but sometimes i can't really see that. My standards for myself far exceed what other people hold for me and thats how i suceed, but it;s where i fail constantly also.

Caught myself babbling again. and itls pretty late. My last thought: When is it my turn to achieve, maybe im not working hard enough. But that's what my philosophy is all about. When u have nothing, dig deep and pull out strong. Sucess comes from the very definition in which i seem to dislike and like at the same time. Work. I guess when it comes down to it, if i want to stop wallowing around in my own self created tear circle i'll have to work out of it. Thinking helps a lot. People should try it more often. goodnight