It's been awhile since..

It's been awhile since i last posted anything. Break is officially over and in less then half an hour its going to be another dreaded monday with school. Break was alright, i mean i worked out hard for a couple of days took my lazy days for thanksgiving. then worked out hard after wards, I babysat till wednesday, so that killed a lot of my fun. Basically my thanksgiving break was not fun at all, the only fun i had was really when i was just outside kicking the ball around by myself. ALONE. Or when i kicked it with greg or something.

The first sunday of break i went with greg and we were suppose to go to some cracken party. Well we didn't have a ride and basically one of those bafoons called julia fucking hammilton and dumb ass allison caretta. I didn't want to go to the party by myself because my friends bailed on the whole plan and wanted to hang out with this to little girls. I kinda felt out of place really, i didn't feel any comfort around those two at all during the whole not of there idiocracy (if thats even a word). Eventually we came back to gregs where they started to leave. All of a sudden julia backed up and i found myself smashed up on greg, the thing was he was pushing back. WAIT no, allisons car was directly behind julia and greg and i were getting crushed between to cars. all i remember after that was hearing a couple cracks a snap, then a loud as pop. I jumped out as julia pulled forward and found greg on the ground behind me. My ribs hurt so bad and allisons car had a dent from where gregs leg was. the pressure between us and her car left a dent. It turned out gregs leg hip popped later that night a couple times and my ribs were messed. WE missed the damn party and julia left because she didn;t want to get in damn trouble. "Tai im genuinley sorry blah blah blah blah blah blah blah because i wouldnt have got grounded blah blah im worried about you". If you would had confronted me face to face i would have nearly broken my male code to not hurt women. your the first and only girl to ever make me that angry. i hate you the most out of everyone in this hell fired planet. IF i hurt u in any way i would of been on my hands an knees begging u to be o.k. forget being grounded. I'd stay by my friends side until i knew they were ok. Its a week later and i still feel a slight pain in my side but it's fading away. whatever the hell it was it's fading away.

ACtually makes me angry to think about it so i'll tralk about when i was suppose to go to the mall with some buds but the forgot me. waited outside for an hour straight and they called and told me they got on the freeway and forgot me. fuck you guys, didn't even come back for me. next time ill forget you. Like i said this break was not cracken for the next few days i just wandered around going out for jogs and lifting wieghts, kicking the ball up against my garage. little touch drills.

I'm really tired of finding myself in situations that i could have avoided, but it just seems like they're out there looking for me. I can't bring myself to do anything to tell someone what i'd like to so i just avoid that also. I don;t see what i;m doing really anymore. Only thing i know im doing is playing wiith the soccer ball. Grades and everything else is becoming a blur and it's not helping. this break was suppose to be a refresher from everyday school life and it was in a way. But it was just another boring little excursion that is probably unnecesary for most americans extremely sedentary lifestyles. time to continue to pick up the pace and study hard for finals. i need at lease a 3.9 but id like a 4.1 GPA. im not an idiot ive just been lazy with homework...


Im getting really tired. I don;t have the time to write out everything because im not giving myself the time too. i really dislike the things going on right now, but ill have to continue to shove it up my ass and move on. Because i dont know of any or rather, i don't feel like i can trust anyone with all my feelings. I don't feel like being ridiculed for thinking anything at any given time. In the heart of all things, finding myself is part of growing up, i know ive found who i am, but..have other people found the real Tai, the one covered by dumb pink shoes and a blue giants hat?

dribble drabble.,. nothing

Awoke to the dead cold of my room. All i had was a sheet and my boxers on. No pillow , forget the laundry. Got up and looked at my chem homework and waited for it to finish itself. Didn't happen so i reluctantly finished the job. I got to school kinda tired an irritated, im tired of the same daily scheduale, yet i need to revert back to it so i can keep my grades up. Truthfully I really don't feel much of anything, as in i literally don;t feel much of anything. All i feel now a days is stress and nothing with a tinge of nothing drizzled with a lot of nothing and served on a plate of soreness from working out.

Starting now im just going to type words that come to mind and see what they form:.. the upbringing of a such things brings us to what i call death and despair, the long hard wind blew and brang death and despair upon us. the upbringing of a baby. life death immortality are just words to describe what is real and what is not, death and life are real. reality serves nothing and nothing comes to reality. The actual truth to anything is ambiguous, the only truth we get is from what we derive from false evidence. truth is a variable that is never right. i dont beleive. to might not come and coming is just another form of leaving and not leaving. with that said the form of life begins to degrade and break down to it's simplest form. With that form i can obtain the true meaning to anyones life. that answer to life is found within what we are as humans, we cannot find this source because we are to taintted with lifes disguting, vile, influences. I do beleive that if anything were to bring death to the world it would have to be for a good reason unless performed by us ourselves. when the angels come down and slowly sever the connection between our body and mind it's all for a good cause, judging is in our nature, because we as a being wil end up being judged after the very end. i really do feel the full on force of pain. Through death and life i see what both sides are, and what they aren't. What i can;t see through is love and that is something that no one will find out. It;s just another variable that can only be right by the people who make it right for themselves. I want to be right. Will you be my love?

Boredom

At the moment im sitting in my apah history class. i have all my pictures for the project and i think im going to be starting the video tonight. I dunno havent really been blogging lately so ive decided to just have a quicl post to check up on everything.

I think maybe my ignorance to the real world, or rather real people other then myself is affecting, i should be opening up more to more people but i really haven't. I dont know im not really focused right now, i have to pick up where im slacking academically. OH and i also got all league in soccer along with a few others. Both mentally and physically im killing myself. i have to go work out more lol. well back to them books...

back

Havent really posted in awhile due to me just be lazy about it. Yesterday watched the fight at kevins. Some random people but it was still pretty chill. sick fight Cotto had nothing on our man Pacman after the 2nd round. Anyway yesterday was good. Today was chill i hung out with G sunga and just kicked back like usual.

Now that soccer is over i really don't look forward to much at all after school. So ive decided im going to devote a lot of my time after homework and school in training. I don't my last competetive soccer game to be in highschool. I want my last competitive to be my death bed. When im old and decrepit. I really just havent felt like talking about a lot recently, i guess i want to take more action that typing or inscribing my thoughts into the mindless readers out there. I guess i felt that typing my thoughts out here was a waste of time for a while. In a way it is and it isn't but its just how you look at it. Wether its half full or half empty. The glass still has something in it. Thats how i truly see out of my eyes. Even if its a little at least it's something. Wether you have little money or a lot, your better off with a little then none at all.

It seems im talking a lot about death lately, and personally its kinda scaring me too. Saying stupid things likie im going to slit my wrists, or jump of a bridge with a noose around my neck. Or more things in depth like im going to slit my throath open with splintered wood then drink a bottle of rubbing alcohol to clean the cut. I woulndt be suprised one day if i found myself doing that. The way things are going for me in my head. im not really suprised of anything anymore. If anything im just disgusted with our race. hah thats something a killer would say. but im not that crazy to go around and become what i found vile and disgusting. Fucking people bashing in innocent peoples faces with hammers and metal posts. killing innocent people, that is beyond disgusting the thought makes me want to punch a hole in my wall. Our world is beyond fucked up, and not too many people seem to be making that step for change.

Well ill sleep on a good note. BUUUT. Since all some of u no lifes wanted to find out the people in my blogs and most of u know by now. that just makes it easier on me to say names. Obsession is a horrible word. because asking my best friend if im obsessed over someone is an absurd question. To the person who asked that question im really not, but beleive whatever you want i'm really not that good of a person, theres nothing really great at all, so i don't even know why ud be interested in someone lower then yourself (me). no im not asssuming things.

If u really wanted to find out who those people were, just ask me straight up (sorry brett ), ill tell you probably seeing as it doesnt matter anymore. I don't truly care for anyone other then myself is just a lie i use to get out of saying i really care for someone.

In the end ill just sleep in the facts, lies , and ideas.

So good night all.

tired

Lately things have been alright for me. Saying im happy would be lieing to myself. So ill tell the truth and say that i dont feel like im here. I don't feel like im around when im actually there. I have fun when im around but at the end of the day it seems like some things were for nothing. But what makes me happy in any case, is to see that things are slowly looking up in every downer. I'm part of a new "crew" of real people. I'm not saying my old friends are boring or stupid, im just saying it's good to know i got some friends who i can just sit down and kick it with. Many Miggy, i really do wish you were here now. I mean i guess im the newcomer to you guys, but i remember how everyone used to talk about your great memories and i was always envious that they had a friend like you, and they were your friends too. Your not some fake person who goes around talking crap because of there insecurities. No your that guys who's just down to chill, and " get some bitches" ahaha. Even though we werent hella tight until later i feel like there was never a time i didnt know you, i guess i wasnt born in that time period though. lol i was just another nappy headed halfican to you until now.

I dont have a lot of memories with you guys because I never thought i could be a part of who you guys are. Ahah i always that i was a loser, but i guess things changed. Things aren't really as negative as it seems and i like that fact that we can just come together and still have fun. Even if our Hydrogen bond is a little loose, it's good to know that things are looking a little better. Once you get back Miggy things shouldn't be too different, but you never know until you do. Hopefully by the time you do get back youll be a little buffer so i wont beat the crap out of you when we wrestle.. jk XD. Actually i won't even have to fight you becaues ill just get my ghetto black cousin Minoso (thats his real name) to shoot you. But thats going to far.

When it gets down to it nothing really has changed, Highschool is still completely and utterly boring, Benicia cops have no lives, ( i got the cops called on me for standing on a public bathroom roof for a minute), white people are still dominating Benicia, and people are still killing people. I don't expect anything spectacular to happen because good stuff happens when u least expect it.

I guess i just need to realize the truth in a lot of things, and hopefully ill find that answer so i can find that happiness too. But im hella tired and i can barely type so im going to sleep. night

day after yesterday

I'm really not much of a writer, but the truth doesnt bother me in this situation because im writing for the hopes that maybe ill reach out to myself one day. I'm really not feeling all that great both physically and emotionally. I can;t really explain but i've been thinking alot how i want things to come together and how they actually are. Life isn't some disney channel movie where everyone wins, its just a negative world where we try to stay positive. Everything is dying including ourselves. People running around shooting the shit out of each other because its their turf. We don't own earth, we own the thought that it's ours. People starting crap because they have nothing else better to do, when we could all just come together and just wade it out. I dislike the fact that most of my ideas are effectively put out their by me. I want to show people where i stand in the world, so maybe some little kid will grow up and take the good of me. The positive, and be something better then what we are today. Not some lazy knucklehead who goes around with their little sohpmore girlfriends overdosing on ecstasy while rubbing each others bodies not knowing that there killing themselves with a narcotic. It seems im stuck in this everlasting hell hole, and i can't change my mood to make things not hell. There is a positive in all this negative but im not finding it.

Happiness stems from success and good emotions. If love brings pain then how can you find happiness through it? Love just hurts, it doesn't do anything for anyone. It's just a word people use when they want to get with you. Love is meaningless. peace

Halloween the aftermass

Another bullshit halloween. I should of kicked it with Kevin because all the other shit i went to was pointless and boring. Just woke up like half an hour ago. All we did was walkright and do bullshit. id probably have more fun sitting at home working out or something. I dont know i cant really think straight right now. I have a game at one and hopefulyl my dad found the actual game cards so we could play.

I know for a fact that i have lost all confidence in myself, because i dont really believe in anything. At this moment in time my life seems like an endless stairway that wont let me get to the top. I feel myself floating away from my friends and back to square. The people who actually knew me for what i was won't do anything about what im going through partly because it's me, im the "asshole who doesn't a shit about most peoples thing" and there not used to seeing my true essence out in the open, so i just continue to put it all to the side and lie to everyone. There really is no reason for me to lie, but i don't really know what else to do. Mainly i just feel like an idiot because i cant find an answer to why im hiding so much from you, and myself.

Im tired of feeling alone when im not, and im tired of having bullshit days when i should be having fun. My passion and my emotions for someone should be the only times of the day where i feel like im normal again. This world and body im confined within doesn't fit my needs. My name doesn't describe who i truly am, and my intentions in life. Our world is all fake including myself and the only way to escape this world is through self realization or death. I want to take the easier route and end it, but that wont do any good. I have common sense. I have to pick up where started falling. But i can't do it alone this time.