I just..

There hasn't been a morning in a long time where i can look at myself in the mirror, and like what i see. This self hate,for myself. I don't know where to turn next, don't know where to go. Can somebody help me, or am i to do this one alone too.

Another dream

I looked out the tiny rectangular window to the vast assortment of different colored  yellow lights, the darkness embodied most of my eyes, but i could still see the specks of yellow, hopelessly waiting to die out. flickering on and off when unused and unwanted, sometimes burning out then being replaced automatically with invisible hands. Every once in awhile a bulb would fall, leaving a loud popping sound and particles of glass being blown at my direction. I wanted to be in there, i wanted to be one of the lights u had to look up to see. The brightly colored neon blue lights that wouldn't die out. inrivaled in color and power, i wanted it.

I fell off somewhere on my way up the ladder, and i ended up being another broken bulb on the ground, sending my glass out to whoever is watching.



But no one is watching, thats how it is, thats how it always is.

The usual spots

The warm water would shutter out of the shower head and all i had in mind was getting ready to look good for you. 1) I would get to school early and get to the bottom of the stairs waiting for the second, just for a glimpse of you. I knew it was you every time, even with my eyes closed. I could see  my breath solidify before my eyes and all i would hear was my heartbeat, i'd surpress what i was feeling every morning in hopes that no one would notice. It undoubtedly worked... but at a price that was more degrading than it was benificial.

2) Id calm my nerves while i walked to second period. i could feel that familiar spine tingle in my back. I'd walk up the stares glanceing left and right repeatedly until i knew i would be the last ones in class. The air changed again and i could feel the euphoric sensation of just knowing i could see you in your little corner. Just knowing that i could turn around and say hi, without worrying.

speed things up im finding something

3) i'd slowly shuffle my way to lit in hopes of running into you.
4) Youd catch my eye crossing to the next door
5) The end of the day, a bitter sweet yet, warm goodbye.


And yet i was the pathetic one all along. scrambling around making a fool of myself. But what else is new. Around the same time last year, i found myself asking the same question. Who am i.

Now i'm asking myself the same thing, who am i. What have i become, have i become the very person disgusted me the most, or are peoples misconceptions getting the best of me. Who am i to you?

There are a plethora of girls out there, and there are handfuls out there for anyone, but there are few who make me feel like i'm home. Like i belong somewhere, that i'm not just another shadow. I have few close friends who i can tell anything, i realize that i still keep most of myself concealed, i don't know why really anymore. I want another chance, thats what i know. And i know what i feel right now. But i'm always a couple steps behind, and thats what makes me the person i am. I begin to think that maybe i was right in the first place. There is someone for everyone, but not everyone deserves someone, And for reasons unknown to me yet, i feel as if i don't deserve someone of such grace and refinement. Someone who's dynamism and disposition far exceeds standards that i put. Beauty isn't everything and i find that you are the perfect example of both worlds.. I like how u twitch your left eye when your thinking haha. or when your embarrassed you turn in the other direction and cross your feet. Or when you'd give me that look when i'd say something dumb.
I never set out to hurt anyone and in gods name i'd kill myself if i ever intentionally broke someones heart in cold blood. yet.. your apathy towards me just reminds me of my inadequacies.


A fitting consequence for my late decisions and realizations...
Seeing as you made up your mind, i see it best i hide away my feelings again, aimlessly waiting for another chance..

It's been almost 12 years now that i've known. Maybe if in late elementary school and early middle school i stopped calling you hot in hopes of pissing of austen, and told him the truth then too i wouldnt be here. Maybe if i manned up for once at the right time.. Would of, could of, should of.

Thats why im typing my insignificant feelings up here, because i didnt do things right the first time..

-Tai Aczon

To long,

Another day passes by, old memories flood my bedroom door like sunlight that pierces your blinds on sunday morning. Then they fade away as the moon hides itself behind dark looming clouds. Releasing my mind into the depths of the world and delving farther than i have ever thought. All these thoughts, as i space out, run through my head. And i can't help it. My mind races off, wondering, asking questions that don't contain a what if, but rather just if. I can't remember the last time i really posted something meaningful on here, i just havent taken the time to really  write without worry.

As we grow older, as each year, day, hour, minute, second passes by, We lose something. It doesnt matter what it is, a loved on, a cell, a phone, a pencil. We lose something... yet at the same time we gain. we obtain what we don't want, when we don't need it. To me there are things that i don't want to lose... and you are one of them. the actual one reading this, taking time to unwind and tie my thoughts up into your own comprehension. I don't want to lose my morals, and my ability to see between right and wrong. I don't want to lose my love for whats important. And i don't want to lose my bunny.... But no matter how much people criticize, or tell me im wrong for picking this one. I truly don't care. I am happy, and nobody is going to take that away from me. I know one day there will be an end, im well aware of that. Im only 17. But, for every loss there is a gain, and with that loss i gain the memories that have been bestowed upon me. There are things that you have done, that i can't and won't forget. No matter how you go about life, and even if im forgotten i can't forget the little things.

Pure thought, just the ability to think, means that there is something more to existing, whether god made us, or in lamens terms were made of stardust, this ability to think is what drives me , to be me. and at the best level i can be, i want to be better. so much to think about, and i have a lifetime to spread it out over..

Hopefully, you'll be my good friend in years to come. As annoying as i can be.. There s something in you that i can't pick and place, something i cant find in another person. And i don't want to lose that. I want to be able to go each day knowing that what i've obtained won't leave me... and im comfortable to say that in the time being it will be here. Your ability to keep going fascinates me, whther u think im silly or not. I want to be like you in that way. I want to be strong

I'm for a reason, and for that reason i don't know... this is just a light touch on a subject i want to pick up on later. Just know bunny... that wherever you go.. your always thought of highly on my end. Home is where your thought of most.... theres always room for you right here.

Lost my track, making my way back

Simply stated above.

Back once again rendering my thoughts vulnerable to the public because i don't know what else to do with them. A lot has been on my mind the past couple of days. Am i ok? no i'm not, i truly am not. But who else is there to blame. None other then myself.


I'm fading in and out of the thin line
Balancing all my sins and i can't deny
My first mistake don't be shy
Second mistake i have to be nice
Third  i let it get to my head
Fourth i kept thinking i was ahead
Five i lost site of the line
So i stepped off and now im falling behind
As you walk along floating further
I reach for your hand and i don't hear a murmur
A glare , a death stare
Shall i attempt to go further
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I am  to venture i want it all the same
Catch myself on the same line
I hope i can be strong enough in time
So once again i start off at home base
Different time same place.
Rejoicful if i can find your hand
Time to atone and time to plan
One more chance to be your man...

Something is missing

I have this deep Prickling pain in the pit of my stomach, and i feel it slithering it's slimy body up my esophogaus. I can't find whats missing, i know something is i just can't find it.

easy as 1 2 3

The only truth is the assumption that is beleived.
Hard times are just another way to prove your existence.
Real friends and emotions can come from the wierdest of places
212
It's the little things
Everyone has drama, but how you react determines how big it is
You will die one day
Paying some type of bill is in the forseeable future
loving every minute of my bunny
= all of that for free 99.

Waiting for my return home, priceless.




"I'm taking control of my life, what the fuck have you done?"- Gibson

Beleive

I refuse to be another lesson learned. I guess in a sense i knew what would happen from the beggining. And yet i stayed, because thats what i knew i wanted. I waited months for your return because I knew that's what was RIGHT.

I woke up with beads of sweat streaming down the right side of my face. The cool night air tumbled in through my open window and smashed its unforgiving breeze into my face. I was beyond freezing. I sprang from my bed to close the window, due to my clumsiness i tripped over my covers and i crashed into the floor. I looked down to see the light brown colored dog, with the white chest and a silly little rose sticking out of it's mouth. Thing saved my life, because there was a pair of scissors right under it ( i should clean my room). i got up and finally closed my window i noticed that the tropical ginger body mist was still outside where i threw it. I turned around to look in my cheap mirror and noticed i was unconsciously gripping the remaining two wooden beads in my hand. I shook my head and stepped forward.  There was a piercing pain that went all the way through my body to my heart. I threw up my foot to see a thumb tack. i turned the lights on and noticed a sort of frail piece of blond hair wrapped around. i Quickly new who's it was and i proceeded to throw it away. But instead i put it in my purple pouch with my broken wooden bracelet beads. I laid back down to the blue clock blinking 2:20 AM. Still gripping my bracelet i fell asleep.


Don't ever say that nobody out here isn't trying to reach out to you. OR everyone hates you. Because your forgetting the forgettables
I am becoming just a memory again, because u refuse to accept or just don't want to accept that the one of the few people who would get on his hands and knees to help, bow down to wrong and take it up the ass.

IS the same person who would listen to your every word. Cut an ugly line in his eye brow because you said it was cute. let you rip his chest open whether u actually could or not.


 Beleive me when i say, i love my bunny.
But take to heart when i say that we miss you. that i miss you.

I miss

I miss those late night trips back from martinez, the familiar reflecting dots on the rode, and the long stretch that stemmed from your house. Just the trips themselves, i felt at ease, as i drove the swagger waggon with the windows down, and my dad asleep in the passenger seat. The wind whisking away any imperfections and tossing them out the window. I miss being able to wake up as a kid and realizing that i have tons of time before i became older and had real responsibilities.

It's time to count my blessings. and i'll start with you. Because without you, i would have been stuck in my little pity party, i wouldnt have come to realize so much. i wouldn't have found her.

Thank you.

I'll be back. Just maybe a little bit more grown up.

Use to it.

And so ends another day full of dtrama. Seems like no matter what i say i'll indirectly mess things up.

I guess what they say has some truth, i better just get over it all, especially if there taken. But i also haven't done anytihng to apologize for. It's pathetic really. So i'll just end it by staying out of their lives, in a way. So i'm going to hit the waves again, this time not searching but just riding the waves. When i stopped searching i found something. An oyster with a pearl.

 So i guess really without saying to much, is i found it. And its gone. But it's still here.
I'll take the time to stitch up my cuts. Then i'll make sure everyone else is ok. I'll stay away from the pearl as long as the oyster needs, and as long as i need.
Maybe the oyster will leave, maybe it will stay. Chances are that i may never get it back. So i'll continue surfing

Surfing.

I guess i was expecting an i love you.

But what good would life be if u got everything u expected. I'm going to return stronge, or at least try.


I'm use to riding alone. So this will be no different

Who knows maybe the surf will bring it back, maybe i'll finally get that big wave, Maybe i can finally return home.

Death sentence

This was my dreams. And im terrified:

I awoke the next day from last nights argument with you in pain. The back of my eyes hurt i could feel their dead beat pulse throughout my body, I resented myself in this world, i hated it for who i am. I missed prom, all my friends had a great time, and all i could do was reminisce and look at the photos i had of us. Back in the before era. I was at a restaurant, may father and everyone my friends they were all there., everyone was happy eating. Eat for the mourning of the death of 20 people in a horrific imaginary accident we called DBC day. (death by car). TheA/c was blowing wildly through what little hair i had and i quietly sat there and stared down at my food. Julia walked in,last but not least, and sat on the other end of the spectrum. Everyone sort of moved a seat down, away from me. I sat by myself.. again.I ran outside hoping maybe you would come and save me. Indeed you came, i saw a glimpse of you, you were calling my name. I acted like i couldn't hear you, you ran over and slammed me into the ground. i could feel the blood trickling down and out of my nose slapping itself on the ground like water dripping out of an old sink. You looked me in the eye and sai " i did it with him, i didn't mean...". I was hysterical, and you had no emotions in your face. You completely left me,  the only thing holding me was the wall i was leaning on and the warm air surrounding us. I cried out loud, everyone all my friends sat and stared at me, like i was a nobody again. You stood up and called me weak.... I thought this was it, can't get any lower than this.

We heard the death call....


The siren rang like crazy, but only once. One ring.. I had no idea what was going on. All the things that happened in the real world were not helping me in this dream world. I had a real sense of mind, not a dream sense of mind.. Then it hit me. Everyone was running because we were going to die. I ran into kevin and he looked at me with the same pain, " aww shit" he said. I heard a ringing and my body went humb, death whistles they were called. They were torture before death. Two more times and everyone in the school was on the ground. You were no where to be in site. We all saw the white light, we looked around and then we found nothingness. nothing, it was it the end..


I woke up. The real world. Blood trickled down and out of my nose and i looked into the mirror on top my bed and saw my eyes completely dialated, they stayed like that for awhile... I'm terrified right now, every sound was a death threat and you leaving, This dream scared me and i can remember every god damn thing in it. I wiped the blood away and looked around the room, the only light coming from my phone, and my alarm clock. As i type this im still trembling. Everything so vibrant in vivid, every thought and instance in that dream was real, it was my other reality. I'm weak, and I'm scared. Not of death. But of losing you, and of dying unfulfilled and unhappy... What do i do with myself

I feel this hurt turning into hate. What do i do

untitled.

I guess i have to quit my meaningless attempts to persuade myself that im not hurting. But i guess in truth i am. I can't be heartless because thats not who i am. I'm a pretty wierd, and i do keep a lot to myself. But i can't be something i'm not, and i have to stop hiding things from myself, and maybe others. I don't understand the logic behind letting someone else in... When someone right in front of you is trying there best....

I feel like nothings changed again, my failed attempts to make the gold team, family not being the greatest, and now alone, with nobody who can understand the sheer thoughts and ideas that i bring to the table. They don't understand my thought process, big words mean nothing if you can't find your own truth. Thats why i frown upon talking "deep". Depth has nothing to do with knowledge. and i dont need to back myself up on my own thoughts.

I don't know which step to take next, my stomach is throbbing with every impulse i get. I don't know how to control and bottle emotions. Before it was so trivial, but now i just can't. I don't want to be asked whats wrong, or why you left, or whats our status. I just want to go "home". Every time i get up i feel the situation collapsin my lungs together. making my jogs harder. I can feel my body slowly sinking itself into pure emotion, no logical or rational thoughts. Just pure action based on emotions.

Why is it i always get the tail end of these things, i have that feeling your not coming back, i know this is right, i know for a fact that what we share is something not to give up on. But why do i feel like you giving up in it... I want to make sure your happy, and i'll do just that. I guess the misery is all up to me. And knowing that, it will sit there. Solid immobile until your return. A black mass, covering my nose and mouth. Covering my eyes. What people may see as "drama" are the ones who know nothing about what had. So i'll act out to everyone that im brushing it off. When i reality, i'm still applying the glue.

The moist air surrounded me as i ran through the back streets of Robert Semple. The leaves crinkled under my feet while the sun thrusted it's unyielding hands upon me. My throat and lungs backed up on  me, the tightening grip around my esophagus and stomach was forboding me of the pain. This tribulation, it forced me to stop and just look. I looked down upon myself at the ground for what seemed to be hours. The cracked cement made my blood boil. My viens were bursting out of my arms, the leaves still crinkled beneath me, and the sun still made things uncomfortable...

No matter what i do and where i go. I'll always be this way. Weird, uneventful,  and a waste of space. Not deserving of love, not deserving of you. Thats how i see myself.And i want to hide away until i can go " home".  I want to leave everyone behind so i don't have to worry about anyone but myself. Knowing me, i couldnt even do that.

?

Why deal with useless emotions if they do nothing but cause trouble? I don't believe in hurting others, but right now it seems like a good way of relieving myself of these uselss emotions. no need to type them out if i can feel and see them for myself

Sometimes NO. is the only yes

And so it begins..

You is myself

Sometimes you realize that your a failure and no matter how hard you try you can't get what you want. The american dream is a false hope for people who have nothing, and hope to try and spring from the lower class and become wealthy livea good life blah blah bullshit. I don't beleive in any of that. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to accomplish that goal. Thats how the world goes round.

Home?

A man once said that for there to be an emotional hole in one's heart, there has to be a deep knowledge of the world as a whole, and the beings that inhabit it. The hole is that desire to find more than what you are given, and to find what you as a being need.

For one most people are ignorant to the general facts and the obvious truths that lay before them, or they just don't like what they see. There is no such thing as depth, or at least i don't beleive in it ( scientifically thats a different matter). There is truth in the fact that the desire to fill this hole is in every human being, whether it's playing your favorite sport, or eating food, finding somebody who won't leave you. To things like publicly degrading yourself or others for satisfaction, eradicating and developing a new meaning to what you truly are, erasing life itself.

I like to walk around saying that I don't hurt, or i'm fine on a daily basis. Sometimes i don't know why, maybe i don't like the troubles of trying to explain what tumbles around in my twisted mind. I thinkthat that is the main reason, i don't have the vocal skills to fully help people comprehend my thoughts. I can assess them and lay down the foundations and fill in the details with my personal experiences. But i still can't have people understand me and the way i think. There is a desire in me to fill the hole in my mind and heart. Truthfully, i've found something that fills it and understands me without even saying a word. I call it home.

Why then is it that i must depart from this new home. I feel like this choice is being forced upon me and if i don't follow the rules there is no way on earth ill return "home". I have this deep feelings despondency, bewilderment, distress in the pit of my stomach so much that the last two days i have gotten next to no sleep at all. Each school hour is another sixty minutes of thoughts of "home" and is "home" all a lie . Or maybe "home" is a shenanigan, or "home" didn't want to admit that i overstayed my welcome and wanted me out. Then one idea contradicts another, why would "home" not like some of the friends i brought in, maybe even be jealous. I know it has to be true everything my home has to offer.

I'd like to tell you that im fine, and nothing hurts at all. In fact i'll do just that. I have a desire and that is to know the truth, confirm the truth. Confirm everything i know about my home.I'm not saying i dont beleive in it, but im saying that i just want the confirmation that ill have a place to return... Unscathed by the marks of others.. but thats asking for a lot.


I'll return to the real world where everything is peachy. Because the depths of my mind and the holes in my heart are where the real battles is taking place. Normal people would never notice. this is as simple as i can put it without sounding stupid.

Try and understand.

You

If things continue to play out the way they are, I don't know if i can fully make it out of this one. But i'll make sure that you do.


I can't sleep, my muscles are tingling and the little stuffed dog sitting on my bed is the only thinking helping me relax. Why am i stressed? i've done nothing, yet i feel like i can make things right if i just try and do the right thing. Not thinking of myself, stuff these thoughts away like usual and furthering the day by waiting for my escapes. I feel like my homes drifting away from me, ironically finding a new place to settle down, people would try to force me in, but that only made things worse. They DO NOT understand anything thats going on, and every word that comes out of my mouth hasn't helped a bit. All i can offer up is tools to maybe make the pain go away and solve things. I can barely think right now, my hands are shaking terribly and my hearts racing. Maybe i should go for a run.


I'm offering myself up as a tool, not in the way most of you delinquents are thinking, to help you when you need it, and to be stored away when your done. I'm sort of use to that and i guess i know how to deal with it. This is about you more than it is me, so i'll do what it takes. Like i said ill store these away, there is no Tai wave, no tai boat. Just me,

and there's not much.

Profoundness, depth. It's all a lie.

I don't believe or enjoy the thought of being profound, or even full of depth. Depth in a human being is similar to judging whats beyond our own knowledge. trying to comprehend what can't be acknowledged but only pondered. Depth is for those who don't understand the true meaning, the true essence or idea that is being conveyed or is out there. What isn't said is what matters the most. What is said is what is not being understood, and that is truth.

 Im tired of people talking to me about what i write, truthfully if i wanted to have a conversation about whats no my mind id come and talk about it. And i dont care if i sound like an asshole, or whatever. My truth is what im still finding, they say if you follow the path to your dreams you can't get lost. I beleive that your lost from the start, there is no given path, each step u take is in a new direction on a wide spread field. Similar to the theory of Primordial Soup. All people can be entwined in there own story as it unfold, the path is what is behind you and the open field is what your given. Sometimes you get lucky, fate brings you to someone. Other times you lose it all and the paths that have been created next to you fade out of your sight as you keep walking.Fate along with my own steps brought me somewhere, and with each step i have the intentions of grabbing whats in front of me and taking it.


What am i doing wrong? I feel i still haven't accomplished anything.

What is this

It's wierd my brain is on a spree, just thinking about anything. The crinkle of the wrapper under my desk when i get up. Over analyzing the little things making things seem a little less dull. Waking up i realized that things are only meant to be when you believe it to be that way. A change is not really a change at all, but rather a new norm. He woke up in the middle of the night with his mouth open and chalked full of emotions. He removed his soft silk comforter and stepped on the cold hardwood of the bedroom. He looked up and noticed that the fire detector was low on battery, he'd have to change that later. He walked passed the familiar pile of clothes and entered his kingdom. The bathroom was freezing, the window was still open after his shower a couple hours ago. He looked down at the blue and white linoleum and noticed that there was blood on the ground. little droplets, origins unknown. he slowly peered over to his right and gazed into stench of his workout clothes. With a smirk he looked up at the mirror, the lights were off. Blood was streaming down his face, out of his pores. It started to curdle and blot.  He found himself asleep on the floor. he couldn't move, pressure in his chest. nausea, and a feeling of comfort as he arose onto the emergency bed. He looked up at the familiar sqaure tiles and wondered if he was in heaven.

the lights were skipping across his face and he saw blurred outlines of people looking down at him. He was still alive in this hell hole. Months later he was back in his bed under the warm soil from where he once started. Where all endings come. he woke up in his coffin.

Jogging, sprinting my mind is running loose. and it's never been like thats before.

What have you opened up in me keeks

my first real conversation

kailinjanelle (5:59:21 PM): to let go doesnt mean to stop caring

kailinjanelle (5:59:35 PM): it means i cant do it for someone else

kailinjanelle (5:59:49 PM): to let go is to not cut myself off

kailinjanelle (6:00:08 PM): its the realization that i can not control another

kailinjanelle (6:00:19 PM): to let go is not to enable

kailinjanelle (6:00:40 PM): but to allow learning form natural consequences

kailinjanelle (6:00:55 PM): to let go is to admit powerlessness

kailinjanelle (6:01:06 PM): which means the outcome is not in my hands

kailinjanelle (6:01:26 PM): to let go is to not try to change or blame another

kailinjanelle (6:01:39 PM): i can only change myself

kailinjanelle (6:01:56 PM): to let go is to not care for but to care baout

kailinjanelle (6:01:59 PM): about*

kailinjanelle (6:02:18 PM): to let go is to not fix but be supportive

kailinjanelle (6:02:28 PM): to let go is to not judge

taieee (6:02:38 PM): Do you remember what i told Brian

kailinjanelle (6:02:47 PM): but to allow another to be a human being

kailinjanelle (6:02:51 PM): let me finish

kailinjanelle (6:03:21 PM): to let go is to not be in the middle arranging the outcomes

kailinjanelle (6:03:39 PM): but to allow others to affect their own outcomes

kailinjanelle (6:03:53 PM): to let go is to not be protective

kailinjanelle (6:04:13 PM): it is to permit another to face reality

kailinjanelle (6:04:24 PM): to let go is to not deny but to accept

kailinjanelle (6:04:37 PM): to let go is to not nag scold or argue

kailinjanelle (6:04:54 PM): but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them

kailinjanelle (6:05:10 PM): to let go is to not adjust everything to me desires

kailinjanelle (6:05:22 PM): but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment

kailinjanelle (6:05:37 PM): to let go is to not critize or regulate everyone

kailinjanelle (6:05:50 PM): but to try to become what i dream i can be

kailinjanelle (6:06:05 PM): to let go is to not regret the past

kailinjanelle (6:06:17 PM): but to grow and live for the future

kailinjanelle (6:06:30 PM): to let go is to fear less and love more

kailinjanelle (6:06:32 PM): ...

kailinjanelle (6:06:35 PM): now im done

taieee (6:06:43 PM): I understand

taieee (6:07:01 PM): "I read every line twice

kailinjanelle (6:07:15 PM): if you did, you wouldnt feel the need to explain the wrong she has done

taieee (6:07:25 PM): no i understand

taieee (6:07:36 PM): But you see katie

taieee (6:07:45 PM): and im going to sound dumb.

taieee (6:07:51 PM): wtf am i doing

taieee (6:07:55 PM): your right

kailinjanelle (6:08:04 PM): no tell me

kailinjanelle (6:08:08 PM): what were you going to say

kailinjanelle (6:08:12 PM): finish your thought

taieee (6:08:18 PM): I'm stubborn too.

kailinjanelle (6:08:34 PM): everyone is

taieee (6:08:37 PM): And i don't finish things on anyone elses terms unless i have to

taieee (6:09:02 PM): no one is going to tell me what i have to do, because im going to do this my way

taieee (6:09:16 PM): I dont care if in the end she doesnt see a damn thing

taieee (6:09:25 PM): I want to hear myself say it and mean it

taieee (6:09:29 PM): and when i do tha

taieee (6:09:35 PM): I know im breaking away

taieee (6:09:47 PM): what i miss the most is the fact that we were such good friends

taieee (6:10:01 PM): but i see that thats not going to work

taieee (6:10:05 PM): and its never going to be the same

taieee (6:10:12 PM): as much as she hurt me

taieee (6:10:17 PM): there is beauty in the world

taieee (6:10:22 PM): and it comes when u least expect it

taieee (6:10:36 PM): comes when ur on the firled and the ball smacks u in the face

taieee (6:10:51 PM): when your walking and an old lady tells u to cheer up

taieee (6:11:02 PM): when your working out and yuor friends tell you to lift more

taieee (6:11:19 PM): when you go toyour friends house and their constantly reminding you to get up and move

taieee (6:11:33 PM): when you find yourself going places because u dont what the hell is going on

taieee (6:11:49 PM): when you go to a sausage fest because yuor alone

taieee (6:11:59 PM): and then theres you

taieee (6:12:06 PM): im going to tell her because i need to

taieee (6:12:10 PM): Not because its logical

kailinjanelle (6:12:20 PM): your explaining something to someone who sees the beauty

taieee (6:12:28 PM): then fuck me

taieee (6:12:31 PM): no literally

taieee (6:12:34 PM): not*

kailinjanelle (6:12:46 PM): "then theres me"? what does that mean

taieee (6:13:03 PM): I didn't purposely go to gregs house to meet you

taieee (6:13:07 PM): infact i didnt care at all.

taieee (6:13:11 PM): but i went

taieee (6:13:31 PM): and where i least expected it i found someone greater than beauty

kailinjanelle (6:13:52 PM): you didnt find me...you found you

kailinjanelle (6:14:09 PM): because you werent looking for you

kailinjanelle (6:14:18 PM): i know it doesnt make sense

kailinjanelle (6:14:32 PM): but its not about me

kailinjanelle (6:14:34 PM): tai

kailinjanelle (6:14:37 PM): its about you

kailinjanelle (6:14:44 PM): you gave up

kailinjanelle (6:14:48 PM): you stopped searching

kailinjanelle (6:15:03 PM): and when you stopped searching you found the answer

kailinjanelle (6:15:13 PM): the answer wasnt me

kailinjanelle (6:15:16 PM): or anybody else

kailinjanelle (6:15:29 PM): you had the answer all along, you just werent looking for it.

taieee (6:15:52 PM): then what are you saying about yourself

kailinjanelle (6:16:08 PM): you pushed me

kailinjanelle (6:16:15 PM): to want to look for myself

taieee (6:16:34 PM): how

kailinjanelle (6:16:34 PM): with your HELP i found me

kailinjanelle (6:17:34 PM): you wanted to search for yourself but you didnt know where to start, so i believed that if i looked for me, you would soon find you and your strenght

kailinjanelle (6:17:38 PM): and look what happen

kailinjanelle (6:17:40 PM): you did

taieee (6:18:27 PM): Your right.

taieee (6:18:48 PM): But your wrong

taieee (6:18:54 PM): I knew where to start

taieee (6:18:59 PM): I just didnt want to start it.

taieee (6:19:09 PM): And its funny how it works out

taieee (6:19:21 PM): I met you when i started

kailinjanelle (6:19:41 PM): and in not wanting to, you didnt know. there are so many places to start. you didnt know every place

taieee (6:19:57 PM): But i didnt have to.

taieee (6:20:07 PM): Because each path leads to the same ending

taieee (6:20:24 PM): its what you choose to do that makes the difference

kailinjanelle (6:20:42 PM): but different obstacles are along each path

kailinjanelle (6:20:46 PM): no path is the same

kailinjanelle (6:20:58 PM): some are afraid of those obstacles

kailinjanelle (6:21:05 PM): and stop at the sight

taieee (6:21:11 PM): others get up

taieee (6:21:14 PM): and keep going

taieee (6:21:37 PM): My answer is the one that i found in you

taieee (6:21:43 PM): past love

taieee (6:22:05 PM): that ability to hop over the obstacle and get up like nothing happened

taieee (6:22:16 PM): Im no leader, but i know what im seeing

kailinjanelle (6:22:16 PM): to simply brush it away

taieee (6:22:32 PM): look at us

taieee (6:22:36 PM): ahaha

taieee (6:22:46 PM): this is the first time i ever really talked to someone like this, ever

taieee (6:22:51 PM): im use to talking to myself in the shower

taieee (6:22:57 PM): i like this.

taieee (6:23:05 PM): You talk back and for me

taieee (6:23:51 PM): In the end katie, wether i talk to her or not, its going to end the same way.

taieee (6:24:10 PM): Im just choosing to tell her

kailinjanelle (6:24:25 PM): endings can change tai, nothing is the way it seems

kailinjanelle (6:24:28 PM): think about this

kailinjanelle (6:24:42 PM): your telling her everything but your telling her nothing

kailinjanelle (6:24:54 PM): because nothing is everything and everything is nothing

kailinjanelle (6:25:13 PM): opposites

taieee (6:25:45 PM): But think of it like this

taieee (6:25:53 PM): Endings are fated from the beggining

taieee (6:26:12 PM): and even if it seems to be changing its in fact predestined already there

taieee (6:26:20 PM): So what is going to happen already has in a sense

taieee (6:26:42 PM): so in a way i have talked to her

taieee (6:26:51 PM): and it is going away

taieee (6:27:00 PM): and in the same sense im going too.

taieee (6:27:15 PM): just a thought

taieee (6:27:32 PM): or maybe the change is in the lack of change

taieee (6:27:50 PM): the in ability to do something is where it change

taieee (6:27:57 PM): i find that weakness

taieee (6:28:05 PM): inability*

taieee (6:28:29 PM): I beleive in action rather than words

taieee (6:28:58 PM): words don't walk around and give people hugs

taieee (6:29:07 PM): and the sure as hell never come out of me right