untitled.

I guess i have to quit my meaningless attempts to persuade myself that im not hurting. But i guess in truth i am. I can't be heartless because thats not who i am. I'm a pretty wierd, and i do keep a lot to myself. But i can't be something i'm not, and i have to stop hiding things from myself, and maybe others. I don't understand the logic behind letting someone else in... When someone right in front of you is trying there best....

I feel like nothings changed again, my failed attempts to make the gold team, family not being the greatest, and now alone, with nobody who can understand the sheer thoughts and ideas that i bring to the table. They don't understand my thought process, big words mean nothing if you can't find your own truth. Thats why i frown upon talking "deep". Depth has nothing to do with knowledge. and i dont need to back myself up on my own thoughts.

I don't know which step to take next, my stomach is throbbing with every impulse i get. I don't know how to control and bottle emotions. Before it was so trivial, but now i just can't. I don't want to be asked whats wrong, or why you left, or whats our status. I just want to go "home". Every time i get up i feel the situation collapsin my lungs together. making my jogs harder. I can feel my body slowly sinking itself into pure emotion, no logical or rational thoughts. Just pure action based on emotions.

Why is it i always get the tail end of these things, i have that feeling your not coming back, i know this is right, i know for a fact that what we share is something not to give up on. But why do i feel like you giving up in it... I want to make sure your happy, and i'll do just that. I guess the misery is all up to me. And knowing that, it will sit there. Solid immobile until your return. A black mass, covering my nose and mouth. Covering my eyes. What people may see as "drama" are the ones who know nothing about what had. So i'll act out to everyone that im brushing it off. When i reality, i'm still applying the glue.

The moist air surrounded me as i ran through the back streets of Robert Semple. The leaves crinkled under my feet while the sun thrusted it's unyielding hands upon me. My throat and lungs backed up on  me, the tightening grip around my esophagus and stomach was forboding me of the pain. This tribulation, it forced me to stop and just look. I looked down upon myself at the ground for what seemed to be hours. The cracked cement made my blood boil. My viens were bursting out of my arms, the leaves still crinkled beneath me, and the sun still made things uncomfortable...

No matter what i do and where i go. I'll always be this way. Weird, uneventful,  and a waste of space. Not deserving of love, not deserving of you. Thats how i see myself.And i want to hide away until i can go " home".  I want to leave everyone behind so i don't have to worry about anyone but myself. Knowing me, i couldnt even do that.