Atonement

Atonement

Tai Aczon

5^th period Lit4

3/15/10

Chapter 1: The Usual

I could feel the slow warm breeze brush against my face. The sky was speckled in glittering gray clouds, the sun just started dimming down over the tall buildings only to be overshadowed by the foreboding hills that sat over a clear blue. All I could really hear was the wind, it was nice, I felt like somebody could actually hear my thoughts, somebody really wanted to listen about how my day was, or what I planned on doing this Friday after school. Over on my left a saw a family of geese, I sort of sneered and searched over for my bag without looking. I reached into my brown leather bag and pulled out my notebook. I started writing whatever sprang forth out of my blank mind; this notebook was my only friend in essence I had friends well acquaintances rather. But I never really considered them good enough to call close friends. I was use to doing things on my own for the most part, and even when offered help, I liked to do things by myself. I felt like I could find resolution in my solitude. I began drawing pictures of families of Geese. There was a big gray goose in the middle with sparkling black eyes, a smaller brown goose with beading blue eyes, and an older wiser looking one with brown eyes. A family I muttered to myself. I then coughed up a big one and spat it into the ground, stood up and yelled WHO NEEDS ANYONE REALLY.

A couple of hours passed and I was still making my way home from “ the usual spot”. I wasn’t really thinking of how late it was until a couple of athletic looking guys sprang on me. They were a couple grades ahead of me, all with matted brown hair and dark brown eyes. They sort of tossed me to the ground and began wailing on my face like I was a rag doll, I took the beating while they chuckled and snarled calling me words like fagot and prick. I just looked up at the dark gray sky waiting for it to end. Their fists were cold and relentless I couldn't really feel the pain anymore, it just felt like pieces of myself were flying into the air only to be smashed back into me. They told me that I was a piece of shit and that I paid the toll for today, so I proceeded to get up until one of them commented on how good my mom was last night. I leaped out of nowhere like god was pushing me to kill him. My hands reached out and I grabbed him by the neck and strangled him like I was squeezing everything that had happened over the past few years on to the floor only to be finally washed away by the rain. His eyes began to turn into a deep red and I found pleasure in seeing him squeal while his friends watched hopelessly. Such power comes with life, God sapped all the strength out of me and I let go, He laid there silent, his body was cold, I loved it. Minutes went by before he got up , and by that time I was already sprinting down the street, blood bursting out of my nose with purple bruises scattered across my face and body.

Nothing has really changed over the passed couple of years, the daily toll beatings, my usual spot being my only sustenance. I laid there in bed still in my school uniform with all these thoughts raging through my head. Thoughts only to be covered by the sad excuse for human condition and emaciated by the fact that I had no friends to talk to. I sat up and looked around my makeshift room of cardboard furniture and used futons for my leather bag again. I found my notebook and started writing on how much I hated life. Life was just a meaningless excuse for people to get up and believe they have a true purpose. There is no God and there is no greater being, we are just creations out of pure luck. Sure our lives can be considered somewhat special but out of the billions of people in the world, what in the hell makes one individual special at all. And out of all the questions I had to ask, the only one I really cared about was, the one thing that kept me alive at the same time. Why can't I die already? I was too weak to take life, let alone my own. Yet even on my walks home, running out in cross walks during green lights to get to the other side, or purposely bumping into people who looked like they were part of a gang, I couldn’t die. I hated it, Death was the most alone thing I could think about, maybe I was even obsessed with it. I don't really care much though, when it comes I’ll be happy.

Just then I heard a big thud in the other room, my uncle Richard a plump born Asian was yelling NIKKO GET IN HERE, MAKE ME MY GOD DAMN DINNER. I slowly made my way across the splintering wood floor with my notebook in hand and my blue hello kitty pencil resting above my ear like a construction worker. He kept calling me a failure of a nephew and kept throwing small pieces of deteriorating couch at me, he kept telling me that my parents would have shuddered at my very existence if they saw what I looked like. I scuttled to the kitchen, my face was still throbbing and my legs felt like lead. I cleared the small tan kitchen sink, which was only tan because of all the dirt, off of all the grease infected and dirt ridden plates and cups and proceeded to slice the daily nutritional can of spam into thin even slices.

Dinner was pointless because Uncle Retard would always hog all the food anyways, so I just cooked the mystery meat and made my way over to our small bathroom. I slipped out of my gray school uniform and threw it over the cracked mildewed mirror. I hated my reflection, I hated looking at myself, such a waste of human flesh I kept whispering to myself. The shower water was a little less brown this time so that kind of made my mood a little better, I grabbed the bar of cheap soap and cleaned my cuts. The whole time between my shower and getting into bed I kept thinking about how good it would finally be away from all the people, the bullies, my uncle retard, all the numbskulls at school who claimed they had knowledge of the world when all they did was read a textbook and claim dominance. Who knows what would happen, maybe my mom and dad would say hi to me wherever I went.

Chapter 2: The Meeting

The next morning was the same old hassle of kicking away all the trash littered on the floor and fending off any splinters and bugs from invading my personal space. I slapped on my clean school outfit grabbed my notebook and satchel and burst out the door before Uncle Retard made me cook him spam for breakfast. I skimmed my eyes pass my left wrist at my old Micky mouse watch and it was nearly 8 o clock. JESUS CHRIST I kept yelling I was already ten minutes late for school. This time I cut through the nicer part of the city, and I passed by this weird bakery called Bun-Bun. Inside was this girl, sort of my age kind of and she really caught my eye. She had long brown Hazel hair that had a glean to it in the sun, a very light milky white skin like she stayed inside, but liked to go out every once in awhile. And these amazing greenish blue eyes that you could see from a mile away, I was working my eyes down to her nice sized breasts and the next thing I know I’m sprawled out on the sidewalk with blood gushing out of my nose. Everyone stops to look at me and gives me that look like I don't belong, I picked up my satchel and punched the wooden pole as hard as I could, then continued rushing to school, all the while I could feel this warm presence looking upon me. One that made all the people vanish in thin air.

I felt alone, but a new kind of alone, alone with somebody else. The second bell rang and first period was already over as I hit the front gates of Clotindale High school. I ran past the athletic assholes while they spat the usual toll insults at me and sat down in the right corner of Ms Giles Literature class. Today’s lecture was on this book about some kid who didn't know why the hell he was walking around smoking weed and doing nothing, and I didn't pay much attention. I was too focused on what I was going to do after school today, because today was Friday and all. Of course I’d go to the usual spot, but I was thinking maybe I should go to the Bun-Bun Bakery and maybe buy some food for me and Uncle Retard. I reached in my satchel for my notebook, but it wasn’t there, I started worrying and I could feel the room getting hotter. I dumped my satchel onto my desk and began rummaging through everything yet it wasn’t there I couldn’t seem to find my life. Ms Giles came over and started asking why I was freaking out, and it sort of slipped out but I said I lost my life. Everyone in the class started laughing at me and calling me loser, along with Ms. Giles. I just wanted to be alone.

School ended and I did my routine sneak around the campus so the Athletic Assholes wouldn't find me, but this time they were at the back door of the school waiting, I took off down the hall to the front door while the chased me, they kept yelling pay your toll you fagot on account of me being one and all. I ran all the way back past Bun-Bun then found myself sort of opening the door and letting myself in. I guess they close early on Fridays because some old Japanese guy was yelling at me to get out until the mystery girl came down and spoke Japanese. The old man calmed down and looked at me bewildered, mystery girl looked over my shoulder and saw the Athletic Assholes running passed Bun-Bun with clenched fists and gritted teeth. I ducked behind the counter while they stopped at the corner looking for me while mystery girl began sweeping and the old Japanese man went upstairs into what was probably there home.

The girl came up and put her soft warm hand on my back telling me that the coast was clear, I jolted up and looked at her, I opened my mouth and found myself staring into these blue green eyes, into warmth, nothing came out I couldn’t speak and I found myself grasping for air. She said told me to follow her and I did. She led me into the kitchen and down these dark wooden stairs, I could hardly see anything, she gave me her hand and told me I had to feel my way to the door, so hand in hand I could feel are hearts beating at the same pulse all the way until I could see a light immiting around a faded red door. She opened it and there was a beautiful assortment of orchids, daises, roses. On her blue hello kitty bed was my black and Grey notebook. She walked over with such grace, her hips lightly tilted side to side and her hazel hair swayed with every step, she handed me my notebook, smiled and said, your that guy from before this morning and chuckled. I sort of muttered how I was late and how clumsy and foolish I was and I was sorry to waste her time and all. But she said no, I know who you are. She told me my name and my favorite color, and why I didn’t stand up for myself when the athletic assholes beat me up.

What got me the most was that she knew so much about me, in an instant I couldn’t move, she read my notebook she had to of, there was no way in hell that anyone couldn't no so much about a young man who didn’t open up to anyone. She knew about the past couple of years then too, she knew about how my uncle Retard use to beat me when I was trying to sleep, she knew that I was always alone, she knew what kind of clothes I wore. And more importantly she knew about my parents and my obsession with death... I wanted to run, run home so I could curl up in my bed and talk to nobody. But she grabbed my hand as I turned and pulled me into her arms, and said that resolve is not through attacking, but accepting. I could feel a tear come out of my eye and I felt some of hers bead down my neck. I felt like I had met a long lost friend. She told me she wanted me to meet her grandpa who she lived with. I slowly nodded tears still in my eyes and made my way back out of the dark cave and up the dark wooden stairs.

Chapter 3: The Lesson

Once up the stairs I met her grandpa, she introduced him and his name was Tsuchiya, she then introduced herself as Opal but I could call her Jewel. That sort of made me blush a bit, and for awhile I was thinking “my jewel”. Tsuchiya was an eighty-five year old Japanese man who was the first generation of his family to come to America, He spoke very clear broken English which was funny because every word he spoke came out as clear as any Americans but it was just very stern and short still reminiscent of the Japanese language. He told me how he came over here with his father and how they had built Bun-Bun in hopes of making money and then go back to Japan to live with the rest of his family. Years passed and after his father died and he had grandchildren one of them being Jewel of course. Tsuchiya finally had enough money to go back home and bring everyone with him. The next part killed me, the day they were leaving everyone but Tsuchiya and Jewel were in there car headed of to San Fransisco Airport. I could see the blood pasted on to the car windows opposite of the sidewalk the bullet holes in the side of the car and all three of Jewels siblings and mother and father slumped over each other. I could see the holes in there head and pink stuff dripping everywhere and off the car floor, out of the sliding doors and onto the pavement.

I could see their final words coming out of there mouth and then I thought of my parents. I began to cry with them. And for what seemed to be days Tsuchiya, Jewels and I sat there with all of our emotions bleeding out of our eyes. Never had I felt the presence of others, this warmth since my parents left. They stopped crying and pathetic old me sat their still bawling my eyes out. Tsuchiya and Jewels huddled around me and purred at me telling me that it was OK. They both knew who I was and what I was about, where I was from, why I was so obsessed with death. So obsessed with making up for what I believed I did. Tsuchiya offered me a bed to stay in, a complete stranger to me till now offered me one of the extra rooms. He knew about Uncle Richard too.

Jewel and Tsuchiya drove me over to my rundown apartment back at Hunters Point. I could still feel the tears coming out of my eyes. I ran up stairs to uncle Retard with his shirt off and a wooden bat asking where the hell I was, he raised his hand and I ran past him into my crappy cardboard and trash furnished room and grabbed all my clothes and belongings. I grabbed the broken picture of my parents and held it close to my chest. Maybe they could help me, as I left my room I found Richard in batting stance ready to swing.

I could smell the alcohol in his breath, he swung. I ducked and went running out the front door, I could hear him open the old metal drawer where he stashed his old pistol. I could hear the hammer cock back as I ran out the door and into Tsuchiyas' car, he screamed at me telling me that I was a waste of space and that I should have been put down a long time ago. He shot at the car and we drove off. I looked around and found myself gasping for air, I guess Uncle Retard had a good shoot, blood was rushing out of my stomach and Jewel was screaming to Tsuchiya to speed up. I could hear the engine rev higher. Everything became a tunnel and all I could see was darkness.

I found a weird faded pink door in the darkness I opened it and I found my parents, except they were still alive. I was sort of hovering above an old memory. We were walking home from the grocery store on a Saturday morning of my eighth grade year. I could see him, the man with a covered face, with his hands in the pockets of his tattered plaid red jacket, he was a little overweight and walked like he had a peg leg. He pulled out a knife put it up to my mothers chin and my father tried to save her but it was too late for all of his. He stabbed my father in the heart a couple of times and picked me up by the neck and dragged me and my mother into a dark alley. He took off her clothes and began sucking on her neck and told me to watch. She tried to yell but he stabbed her in the stomach and you could see the pain in her eyes. He began to work his hands up her leg and told me that if I ever told anyone I would be killed. I stopped floating above the imagery to the sound of of my name. The pink door closed and I was awake in the hospital with Jewel and Tsuchiya standing over me. I could feel tears dripping off their cheeks, I guess I was dreaming for over a week. I guess what actually happened was I got hit in the head with Uncle Richards baseball bat as I stepped out of my room, and was asleep ever since. Jewel bent over and kissed me on the lips and I could feel my cold hands entering a state of fire, my whole body was won over by a kiss. Tsuchiya hugged me and said into my ear Richards apartment was all mine, and that he was in jail.

Chapter 4: Atonement

A couple months passed since then and things have been looking up, I ended up selling that crappy apartment up at Hunters Point and began life anew with Tsuchiya and Jewel. I used the money to by some new clothes, and a couple hundred to help with the advancement of Bun-Bun bakery. Life at school was the same but instead of letting myself get pushed around I fought the Athletes a couple times, I guess I was a pretty good fighter because they ended up leaving me alone after a while. Jewel who was home-schooled was “ my Jewel” I guess you could say. With the remainder of my money I set up a savings account so I could save up for the future, I had a new obsession now and that was to live.

It was never the fact that I was obsessed with death, it was the idea that maybe I could see my parents I was so intrigued with. I was alone but I never had to be, I never had to face what I felt alone again. I never should of to begin with. The death of my parents was never my fault, it was just pure chance we happened to be there at the wrong time. And even if the pain still burns within me, I have a family to share it with. I didn't have to wear the mask anymore, I let myself roam free wherever I went, of course I followed manners, but I never let myself not be who I was. I looked over my shoulder for my satchel and dug out my old worn notebook. I flipped it in until I came to the picture of the three geese. On the big gray one I labeled it Nikko after me, the blue eyed goose I labeled Jewel, and the older goose I labeled Tsuchiya, over everything I wrote family. I tossed my notebook into a gray metal bin, and Jewel asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I locked the box with my combination lock and tossed it into a ditch where I then picked up a shovel and buried the gray metal box.

I grabbed Jewel by the hand and said this was the best part, we looked out unto the city while the lights started to flicker on. We looked up into the distant landscape and watched the giant red and orange sun duck behind the hills awaiting for our return to “our spot”. The gray clouds passed over head and the breeze gently wrapped its hands around my face filling my lungs with air. I grabbed Jewel by the hips and sighed in relief. I found my resolution in the solitude of my new family, even if I felt alone I could do it with Jewel and Tsuchiya. I took a step forward and sucked the spit back into my stomach and yelled EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE.