Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Am i awake or are you asleep?
Awake right now. this quick little break was more then a quick one for me. I think im awake because of it, the thoughts stirring up deep emotions and making me wake up, with that world renowned dry mouth. Not even here and im waking up and thinking about it. I'll try and sleep... after i eat some food. Maybe ill right about my weekend later today.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
once again im back
Things have been alright you know. Tryouts for the soccer are coming up and i want to make that DFC gold team. Rather i NEED to make that team, ive been going out and training at least 4 times a week with the ball, by myself. But i don't think tis enough i need to crank it up to everyday of the week. I need to make that team. I recently just gave up all other sports, i wish io did earlier but i have to deal with it this way. soccer is my dream and aspiration.
Closer and closer, each day,hour, minute that i squander away i do for a reason. So maybe soon i can find myself blissfully unaware of my surroundings, back with you. so maybe i have a chance at slowing my voracity for just being around you, Your coming soon and i want to find a way to make those few days special for you.
MY grades aren't good at all, and i'm going to pick them up in fact its another necessity.
The wind blew the small filaments of cobweb across the wet dew of the grass. The fog moved as a single mass, a living organism making it's way across the brown tinted maple leaves. The surrounding buildings and streets were covered with the fog. I took each step contemplating wether i should of took that last one. Slowly making my way up the street i saw a pair of small eyes, they looked at me with there blueish brownish rain with a look of deceit. I took a step closer and i noticed julia blew away in the fog, another memory to build off of. Few more steps and the fog got heavier. The death of the fog was unfathomable and once i thought i hit the end the fog would bury itself deeper into my eyes making the road longer. I looked farther off squinting my eyes as if i was trying to forsee the future. nothing. I felt the warm caress of my grandma and grandpa. I turned around and saw julia again, my past. When i looked forward I saw my grandpa and grandma again, mouthing words of silence, wisdom. nothing flew out but the lip movement shot through my body and entered ever crevice of my body. My body flew with new wisdom and strength, they told me to " pick it up Tai, were right here". I took another step and i found myself alone again, in the dark cold hearted fog that wouldn't leave me alone. The irony, i was so alone yet the fog stayed. A few more steps and i saw new set of eyes, a beautiful blue. Open, glossy with pain and hurt, but sharpened with comprehension and erudition. I walked faster i started running because behind me pain in the form of someone who i once held close followed. I got closer and the body language hand gestures told me to keep moving, I grabbed her and i ran, into the fog. The fog never cleared but at times i could tell possible consequences to each step. I looked back and that pain sort of stopped following me. I lost it, and it lost me. But these pure blue eyes stayed.
The fog of the future is never clear, we live of fthe past in the present, what we learned is the past and will be once again used. But the future is both the past and present, it is the possibility, the actuality, and the already happened. The fog is there because of our insecurities, everyone has them. once you accept them the fog will clear up a bit. But never completely. Life would be boring if you knew what would happen next.
Im back
Closer and closer, each day,hour, minute that i squander away i do for a reason. So maybe soon i can find myself blissfully unaware of my surroundings, back with you. so maybe i have a chance at slowing my voracity for just being around you, Your coming soon and i want to find a way to make those few days special for you.
MY grades aren't good at all, and i'm going to pick them up in fact its another necessity.
The wind blew the small filaments of cobweb across the wet dew of the grass. The fog moved as a single mass, a living organism making it's way across the brown tinted maple leaves. The surrounding buildings and streets were covered with the fog. I took each step contemplating wether i should of took that last one. Slowly making my way up the street i saw a pair of small eyes, they looked at me with there blueish brownish rain with a look of deceit. I took a step closer and i noticed julia blew away in the fog, another memory to build off of. Few more steps and the fog got heavier. The death of the fog was unfathomable and once i thought i hit the end the fog would bury itself deeper into my eyes making the road longer. I looked farther off squinting my eyes as if i was trying to forsee the future. nothing. I felt the warm caress of my grandma and grandpa. I turned around and saw julia again, my past. When i looked forward I saw my grandpa and grandma again, mouthing words of silence, wisdom. nothing flew out but the lip movement shot through my body and entered ever crevice of my body. My body flew with new wisdom and strength, they told me to " pick it up Tai, were right here". I took another step and i found myself alone again, in the dark cold hearted fog that wouldn't leave me alone. The irony, i was so alone yet the fog stayed. A few more steps and i saw new set of eyes, a beautiful blue. Open, glossy with pain and hurt, but sharpened with comprehension and erudition. I walked faster i started running because behind me pain in the form of someone who i once held close followed. I got closer and the body language hand gestures told me to keep moving, I grabbed her and i ran, into the fog. The fog never cleared but at times i could tell possible consequences to each step. I looked back and that pain sort of stopped following me. I lost it, and it lost me. But these pure blue eyes stayed.
The fog of the future is never clear, we live of fthe past in the present, what we learned is the past and will be once again used. But the future is both the past and present, it is the possibility, the actuality, and the already happened. The fog is there because of our insecurities, everyone has them. once you accept them the fog will clear up a bit. But never completely. Life would be boring if you knew what would happen next.
Im back
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tai?
My answer wasn't in the rain. I couldn't lose nor find myself in the midst of the rain drops. Because it stopped raining as soon as i started to run. It was pouring hard, and literally as soon as i stepped out the rain slowed and then stopped as i started my jog. I don't know if it was just my timing, or a sign. The rain stopped as soon as i stepped out. Maybe Tai is closer then i think. Maybe hes farther then i want. Wherever Tai is, i have to find him. Because with him is knowledge and the innate ability to justify and choose the good in every bad. With him is all his friends and family. His new friend Katie who is helping this shell find his soul. Everyone learns differently. I guess i always learn the hard way
Die
Slowly devouring my body from the inside out. capturing my thoughts, by inner being and stealing it away from me. Hastening my death, quickly taking over my legs, moving up to the gap in my chest. then to the emptiness in my head. Pure thoughts, turned into raw tar, tainted, disgusting, dirty. Looking back, looking forward. Typing without a reason saying random words without my pure thought. Looking at myself in dusgust. The only one who can soothe the thoughts in my head is me. Well to an extent at least. I looked outside at the rain and i saw myself. Looking back at me, i mouthed "Die". I ran outside to catch myself but i tripped. and i kept falling, i was suspended in mid air, i want someone to catch me and take back what i did. But the only that can catch me is myself. And im going to have to live with the fact that im just like everyone else out there, nothing special. Ignorant to his own thoughts and ideals, a fucking idiot.
but theres no use moping around because i screwed myself over once again. All i got from waiting is a broken heart. So im going back in search for myself again. If you find Tai let him know that im truly sorry.
Because the one emptying himself on this stupid website is an empty shell looking for that fire once again. Maybe i'll find it in the least likely of places. The rain.
but theres no use moping around because i screwed myself over once again. All i got from waiting is a broken heart. So im going back in search for myself again. If you find Tai let him know that im truly sorry.
Because the one emptying himself on this stupid website is an empty shell looking for that fire once again. Maybe i'll find it in the least likely of places. The rain.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sick
I'm still sick and my body aches, i dont feel like doing anything.. But i want to pick up where i left off, and relearn all the instruments ive played. Trumpet, piano, My mouth. And teach myself the new instrument ive obtained, My guitar. Time to start!
Monday, January 4, 2010
School is tommorrow. I tried New years resolutions and they don't really work. I like to think a lot actually, but im more of a person of action. I don't like to be stagnate all the time. I have to keep moving and learning, constantly twiddling my thumbs in class waiting for the fun to come.
The fun did come.. Break was spectacular. I really can't begin to explain the being, the entity behind all that has happened. But whatever or whoever it is, it gave me signs, led me to a place. Where i met someone who i need, and may also need me. I can't imagine how dull and boring my break could have been if i didnt follow those signs, but i did. That is truly fate. So ill go into school tommorrow with my the thoughts and plans i already set out, and accomplish them. Constantly walking on the line of success and failure is hard. I'm going to continue walking with all the help i can get, all the things i have learned my friends and family. And start this new year off good. Like i said New years resolutions don't work, You can talk about all the stuff you want to do, but its the actual action, or participation for the success of your resolution that matters. The road to success is what matters most. My road is sort of that thick line. I continue to look at myself negative so i can improve. Yes i am to hard on myself a lot of the time, but thats just purely how i get better.
But this time I'll let her crooked walking help lead me in the direction of success. I feel like, rather i know that she can help me a lot. She's already helped me improve even though i guess im constantly getting whipped ( i dont mind to much :) ). But now i beleive its finally my turn to stand up and make a name for myself. Not for other people to see, but to finally please myself in my own eyes. The one person i have the highest standards for is myself, and i WILL meet them.
If there is anything i would have to take from break, there is no one thing. Infact it would be all of break. I have learned that Fate works mysteriously. And there truly is someone out there for everyone. I also learned that i don't know if i have fully felt love, i was always butthurt/heartbroke over someone i really didnt need to be. Maybe love is closer then i thought. Maybe it's at a place in my reach but not phsically. I'm not saying im in love, because there is still a journey, im just saying that love is everywhere and everyone deserves it. I've learned that my strength comes from myself and others.
MY beleifs still hold true, and everything i say to myself im going to do. Most importantly from break....
I have met someone who may actually.. who actually cares for me, who talks to me when i talk to her. Who makes a conversation. Stronger then me. See's the world for what it is and for what its not, and knows the reality of life. Is Positive about her decisions and sticks to it. Shes that sort of that dream girl for me, but shes real.
But from all that, from break, I met someone i can care for too. It may have been a short time, and some of you may be like wth is Tai doing? He's and idiot?
But i dont really care, because i know what the real deal is. I found that person that will live love learn and 212, like me. With me.The only thing holding me back is fear of getting too attached. But i think ill let go of that fear, i have that feeling she wont hurt me. I like her more then her and my own understanding
2010 is going to be my year, and the years following will be my years also. I'm going to wake up as that Tai i stated to myself before, stronger.
Peace.
The fun did come.. Break was spectacular. I really can't begin to explain the being, the entity behind all that has happened. But whatever or whoever it is, it gave me signs, led me to a place. Where i met someone who i need, and may also need me. I can't imagine how dull and boring my break could have been if i didnt follow those signs, but i did. That is truly fate. So ill go into school tommorrow with my the thoughts and plans i already set out, and accomplish them. Constantly walking on the line of success and failure is hard. I'm going to continue walking with all the help i can get, all the things i have learned my friends and family. And start this new year off good. Like i said New years resolutions don't work, You can talk about all the stuff you want to do, but its the actual action, or participation for the success of your resolution that matters. The road to success is what matters most. My road is sort of that thick line. I continue to look at myself negative so i can improve. Yes i am to hard on myself a lot of the time, but thats just purely how i get better.
But this time I'll let her crooked walking help lead me in the direction of success. I feel like, rather i know that she can help me a lot. She's already helped me improve even though i guess im constantly getting whipped ( i dont mind to much :) ). But now i beleive its finally my turn to stand up and make a name for myself. Not for other people to see, but to finally please myself in my own eyes. The one person i have the highest standards for is myself, and i WILL meet them.
If there is anything i would have to take from break, there is no one thing. Infact it would be all of break. I have learned that Fate works mysteriously. And there truly is someone out there for everyone. I also learned that i don't know if i have fully felt love, i was always butthurt/heartbroke over someone i really didnt need to be. Maybe love is closer then i thought. Maybe it's at a place in my reach but not phsically. I'm not saying im in love, because there is still a journey, im just saying that love is everywhere and everyone deserves it. I've learned that my strength comes from myself and others.
MY beleifs still hold true, and everything i say to myself im going to do. Most importantly from break....
I have met someone who may actually.. who actually cares for me, who talks to me when i talk to her. Who makes a conversation. Stronger then me. See's the world for what it is and for what its not, and knows the reality of life. Is Positive about her decisions and sticks to it. Shes that sort of that dream girl for me, but shes real.
But from all that, from break, I met someone i can care for too. It may have been a short time, and some of you may be like wth is Tai doing? He's and idiot?
But i dont really care, because i know what the real deal is. I found that person that will live love learn and 212, like me. With me.The only thing holding me back is fear of getting too attached. But i think ill let go of that fear, i have that feeling she wont hurt me. I like her more then her and my own understanding
2010 is going to be my year, and the years following will be my years also. I'm going to wake up as that Tai i stated to myself before, stronger.
Peace.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Dream or Reality
I felt the cold air brush across my neck as i shifted sleeping positions in the bed. I could heard the few cars from the long parties passing by the house. Although it was warm, i felt like i was outside. Cold, by myself again, i stepped outside into the pitch black. I stepped out of 09 and into 10. I looked below me and the cement gave way to utter darkness. I was falling again. Falling into the unknown looking for a familiar branch or stone that i could latch and hold on to. I' was weak in that way, scared of change, always read to turn back and latch on too a familiar face. The air grew colder as i approached a sudden light. The floor reappeared and i caught my fall. In front of me was myself, and the younger version of me. I turned away from myself. And saw darkness again. I chose the darkness and continued to fall. THe wind grew colder and i couldnt feel my body, i was completely numb. I hit the floor, or what seemed to be the ground. And from the black a light came through again. This time it was power. Power in the form of a human. But it wasn't me. It was the embodiment of everyone i considered powerful, strong. Coach Rory, My grandparents, my father, my cousin Jerel. I turned around to look into a mirror and i saw myself. I saw myself for what i perceive myself to be, weak, scared,fragile, nothing that has to do with power. I turned around once more to see a new foot appear before me. The foot came out of the light as a leg, then two legs. Then hips came out followed by a torso. It was obviously a women. "But who?" thought to myself. She was obviously a women. The face came out and i couldnt speak. I was choking myself, my hand was over mouth and nose but i couldnt stop, i was grabbing for the air then when she stepped forward and effortlesly released my hand from my face. She grabbed the other and picked me up. The light was still blocking her face. Rory, my grandparents, my father and Jerel. Alongside this mysterious woman lifted me up and started carrying me towards the burning light. My skin was peeling off and i could see every muscle strand on my bones. Its peeled away like a bannana peel and then i saw m organs. They fell to the ground, and all that was left of my body was my skeleton. They took knives, hammers, grinders and started reshaping my body.. giving me a new foundation. They gave me new organs.. a heart. stronger muscles. my skin was more resistant, but yet i still couldn't see her face. I began to cry. Out of weakness, out of the power i won't have, the power i couldnt obtain by myself. The strength i had recieved from others was my only source of light. When i gave up i started falling into the darkness again. They lifted my up once more and threw me onto a pedestal where i was to be lifted up out of the dark hole. I felt a shock in my spine and the pedestal was being thrusted upwards. I looked back into the darkness with the sharp light, and the light stayed strong. But as i went up i could see it anymore, I took one more hard look to see beautiful blueish green eyes looking up at me. the light was dimmed so i could finally see her face. she stepped back into the light along with all my other role models. i felt a tear whisk by my eye,because i havent done anything in return. I could feel the tear racing down my cheek and when i hit the opening of the hole. The hole was moved facing towards the door to gregs house. I was shot through the magically the open door into the couch.
I woke up. I fell asleep again at gregs house after new years. After feeling the warmth of someone else with me. I got up and touched my face. The tear was there still racing down my cheek. Im not weak for having a tear. Im weak for giving up, all the people in my dream had strength and power. They showed me in there own form that i can be as strong as i want. I went to the bathroom and looked long and hard in the mirror. I already know my new years resolutions i dont need to repeat them. But i can't give up. I closed my eyes, and saw the eyes in my dream. I realized it was Katie and i felt another unconscious tear coming. I wasn't sad or mad. It just came out. Of no where. Greg saw it a couple of times too. This time i wiped it with my hand instead of my sleeve. I felt like for some reason if touched the tear it would soak into my skin and stay there. and not come back out. But it did. How could someone so new, mean so much. Already be my hero.
I dont know. Life is mysterious like that. I still don't know where those tears came from. But i'll accept them and with the help the people who have taught me the meaning of true power. I will learn and become stronger this year. Achieve. And Next time. Ill stare back into her eyes, with the support that i want to give, because i truly care. Ill put all of them on a pedistal and push them up when they need it. Im going to hold her hand and keep her from walking slanted. Digestion of the thoughts running through my veins is still hard. I dont want you to leave. I really don't. But thats me being selfish. Every step you take. Im still holding on to your hip pushing your hip back so you dont walk into the middle of the street. Because you sort of saved me from myself, and i want to stay with you.
I woke up. I fell asleep again at gregs house after new years. After feeling the warmth of someone else with me. I got up and touched my face. The tear was there still racing down my cheek. Im not weak for having a tear. Im weak for giving up, all the people in my dream had strength and power. They showed me in there own form that i can be as strong as i want. I went to the bathroom and looked long and hard in the mirror. I already know my new years resolutions i dont need to repeat them. But i can't give up. I closed my eyes, and saw the eyes in my dream. I realized it was Katie and i felt another unconscious tear coming. I wasn't sad or mad. It just came out. Of no where. Greg saw it a couple of times too. This time i wiped it with my hand instead of my sleeve. I felt like for some reason if touched the tear it would soak into my skin and stay there. and not come back out. But it did. How could someone so new, mean so much. Already be my hero.
I dont know. Life is mysterious like that. I still don't know where those tears came from. But i'll accept them and with the help the people who have taught me the meaning of true power. I will learn and become stronger this year. Achieve. And Next time. Ill stare back into her eyes, with the support that i want to give, because i truly care. Ill put all of them on a pedistal and push them up when they need it. Im going to hold her hand and keep her from walking slanted. Digestion of the thoughts running through my veins is still hard. I dont want you to leave. I really don't. But thats me being selfish. Every step you take. Im still holding on to your hip pushing your hip back so you dont walk into the middle of the street. Because you sort of saved me from myself, and i want to stay with you.
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