Use to it.

And so ends another day full of dtrama. Seems like no matter what i say i'll indirectly mess things up.

I guess what they say has some truth, i better just get over it all, especially if there taken. But i also haven't done anytihng to apologize for. It's pathetic really. So i'll just end it by staying out of their lives, in a way. So i'm going to hit the waves again, this time not searching but just riding the waves. When i stopped searching i found something. An oyster with a pearl.

 So i guess really without saying to much, is i found it. And its gone. But it's still here.
I'll take the time to stitch up my cuts. Then i'll make sure everyone else is ok. I'll stay away from the pearl as long as the oyster needs, and as long as i need.
Maybe the oyster will leave, maybe it will stay. Chances are that i may never get it back. So i'll continue surfing

Surfing.

I guess i was expecting an i love you.

But what good would life be if u got everything u expected. I'm going to return stronge, or at least try.


I'm use to riding alone. So this will be no different

Who knows maybe the surf will bring it back, maybe i'll finally get that big wave, Maybe i can finally return home.

Death sentence

This was my dreams. And im terrified:

I awoke the next day from last nights argument with you in pain. The back of my eyes hurt i could feel their dead beat pulse throughout my body, I resented myself in this world, i hated it for who i am. I missed prom, all my friends had a great time, and all i could do was reminisce and look at the photos i had of us. Back in the before era. I was at a restaurant, may father and everyone my friends they were all there., everyone was happy eating. Eat for the mourning of the death of 20 people in a horrific imaginary accident we called DBC day. (death by car). TheA/c was blowing wildly through what little hair i had and i quietly sat there and stared down at my food. Julia walked in,last but not least, and sat on the other end of the spectrum. Everyone sort of moved a seat down, away from me. I sat by myself.. again.I ran outside hoping maybe you would come and save me. Indeed you came, i saw a glimpse of you, you were calling my name. I acted like i couldn't hear you, you ran over and slammed me into the ground. i could feel the blood trickling down and out of my nose slapping itself on the ground like water dripping out of an old sink. You looked me in the eye and sai " i did it with him, i didn't mean...". I was hysterical, and you had no emotions in your face. You completely left me,  the only thing holding me was the wall i was leaning on and the warm air surrounding us. I cried out loud, everyone all my friends sat and stared at me, like i was a nobody again. You stood up and called me weak.... I thought this was it, can't get any lower than this.

We heard the death call....


The siren rang like crazy, but only once. One ring.. I had no idea what was going on. All the things that happened in the real world were not helping me in this dream world. I had a real sense of mind, not a dream sense of mind.. Then it hit me. Everyone was running because we were going to die. I ran into kevin and he looked at me with the same pain, " aww shit" he said. I heard a ringing and my body went humb, death whistles they were called. They were torture before death. Two more times and everyone in the school was on the ground. You were no where to be in site. We all saw the white light, we looked around and then we found nothingness. nothing, it was it the end..


I woke up. The real world. Blood trickled down and out of my nose and i looked into the mirror on top my bed and saw my eyes completely dialated, they stayed like that for awhile... I'm terrified right now, every sound was a death threat and you leaving, This dream scared me and i can remember every god damn thing in it. I wiped the blood away and looked around the room, the only light coming from my phone, and my alarm clock. As i type this im still trembling. Everything so vibrant in vivid, every thought and instance in that dream was real, it was my other reality. I'm weak, and I'm scared. Not of death. But of losing you, and of dying unfulfilled and unhappy... What do i do with myself

I feel this hurt turning into hate. What do i do

untitled.

I guess i have to quit my meaningless attempts to persuade myself that im not hurting. But i guess in truth i am. I can't be heartless because thats not who i am. I'm a pretty wierd, and i do keep a lot to myself. But i can't be something i'm not, and i have to stop hiding things from myself, and maybe others. I don't understand the logic behind letting someone else in... When someone right in front of you is trying there best....

I feel like nothings changed again, my failed attempts to make the gold team, family not being the greatest, and now alone, with nobody who can understand the sheer thoughts and ideas that i bring to the table. They don't understand my thought process, big words mean nothing if you can't find your own truth. Thats why i frown upon talking "deep". Depth has nothing to do with knowledge. and i dont need to back myself up on my own thoughts.

I don't know which step to take next, my stomach is throbbing with every impulse i get. I don't know how to control and bottle emotions. Before it was so trivial, but now i just can't. I don't want to be asked whats wrong, or why you left, or whats our status. I just want to go "home". Every time i get up i feel the situation collapsin my lungs together. making my jogs harder. I can feel my body slowly sinking itself into pure emotion, no logical or rational thoughts. Just pure action based on emotions.

Why is it i always get the tail end of these things, i have that feeling your not coming back, i know this is right, i know for a fact that what we share is something not to give up on. But why do i feel like you giving up in it... I want to make sure your happy, and i'll do just that. I guess the misery is all up to me. And knowing that, it will sit there. Solid immobile until your return. A black mass, covering my nose and mouth. Covering my eyes. What people may see as "drama" are the ones who know nothing about what had. So i'll act out to everyone that im brushing it off. When i reality, i'm still applying the glue.

The moist air surrounded me as i ran through the back streets of Robert Semple. The leaves crinkled under my feet while the sun thrusted it's unyielding hands upon me. My throat and lungs backed up on  me, the tightening grip around my esophagus and stomach was forboding me of the pain. This tribulation, it forced me to stop and just look. I looked down upon myself at the ground for what seemed to be hours. The cracked cement made my blood boil. My viens were bursting out of my arms, the leaves still crinkled beneath me, and the sun still made things uncomfortable...

No matter what i do and where i go. I'll always be this way. Weird, uneventful,  and a waste of space. Not deserving of love, not deserving of you. Thats how i see myself.And i want to hide away until i can go " home".  I want to leave everyone behind so i don't have to worry about anyone but myself. Knowing me, i couldnt even do that.

?

Why deal with useless emotions if they do nothing but cause trouble? I don't believe in hurting others, but right now it seems like a good way of relieving myself of these uselss emotions. no need to type them out if i can feel and see them for myself

Sometimes NO. is the only yes

And so it begins..