I feel this hurt turning into hate. What do i do

untitled.

I guess i have to quit my meaningless attempts to persuade myself that im not hurting. But i guess in truth i am. I can't be heartless because thats not who i am. I'm a pretty wierd, and i do keep a lot to myself. But i can't be something i'm not, and i have to stop hiding things from myself, and maybe others. I don't understand the logic behind letting someone else in... When someone right in front of you is trying there best....

I feel like nothings changed again, my failed attempts to make the gold team, family not being the greatest, and now alone, with nobody who can understand the sheer thoughts and ideas that i bring to the table. They don't understand my thought process, big words mean nothing if you can't find your own truth. Thats why i frown upon talking "deep". Depth has nothing to do with knowledge. and i dont need to back myself up on my own thoughts.

I don't know which step to take next, my stomach is throbbing with every impulse i get. I don't know how to control and bottle emotions. Before it was so trivial, but now i just can't. I don't want to be asked whats wrong, or why you left, or whats our status. I just want to go "home". Every time i get up i feel the situation collapsin my lungs together. making my jogs harder. I can feel my body slowly sinking itself into pure emotion, no logical or rational thoughts. Just pure action based on emotions.

Why is it i always get the tail end of these things, i have that feeling your not coming back, i know this is right, i know for a fact that what we share is something not to give up on. But why do i feel like you giving up in it... I want to make sure your happy, and i'll do just that. I guess the misery is all up to me. And knowing that, it will sit there. Solid immobile until your return. A black mass, covering my nose and mouth. Covering my eyes. What people may see as "drama" are the ones who know nothing about what had. So i'll act out to everyone that im brushing it off. When i reality, i'm still applying the glue.

The moist air surrounded me as i ran through the back streets of Robert Semple. The leaves crinkled under my feet while the sun thrusted it's unyielding hands upon me. My throat and lungs backed up on  me, the tightening grip around my esophagus and stomach was forboding me of the pain. This tribulation, it forced me to stop and just look. I looked down upon myself at the ground for what seemed to be hours. The cracked cement made my blood boil. My viens were bursting out of my arms, the leaves still crinkled beneath me, and the sun still made things uncomfortable...

No matter what i do and where i go. I'll always be this way. Weird, uneventful,  and a waste of space. Not deserving of love, not deserving of you. Thats how i see myself.And i want to hide away until i can go " home".  I want to leave everyone behind so i don't have to worry about anyone but myself. Knowing me, i couldnt even do that.

?

Why deal with useless emotions if they do nothing but cause trouble? I don't believe in hurting others, but right now it seems like a good way of relieving myself of these uselss emotions. no need to type them out if i can feel and see them for myself

Sometimes NO. is the only yes

And so it begins..

You is myself

Sometimes you realize that your a failure and no matter how hard you try you can't get what you want. The american dream is a false hope for people who have nothing, and hope to try and spring from the lower class and become wealthy livea good life blah blah bullshit. I don't beleive in any of that. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to accomplish that goal. Thats how the world goes round.

Home?

A man once said that for there to be an emotional hole in one's heart, there has to be a deep knowledge of the world as a whole, and the beings that inhabit it. The hole is that desire to find more than what you are given, and to find what you as a being need.

For one most people are ignorant to the general facts and the obvious truths that lay before them, or they just don't like what they see. There is no such thing as depth, or at least i don't beleive in it ( scientifically thats a different matter). There is truth in the fact that the desire to fill this hole is in every human being, whether it's playing your favorite sport, or eating food, finding somebody who won't leave you. To things like publicly degrading yourself or others for satisfaction, eradicating and developing a new meaning to what you truly are, erasing life itself.

I like to walk around saying that I don't hurt, or i'm fine on a daily basis. Sometimes i don't know why, maybe i don't like the troubles of trying to explain what tumbles around in my twisted mind. I thinkthat that is the main reason, i don't have the vocal skills to fully help people comprehend my thoughts. I can assess them and lay down the foundations and fill in the details with my personal experiences. But i still can't have people understand me and the way i think. There is a desire in me to fill the hole in my mind and heart. Truthfully, i've found something that fills it and understands me without even saying a word. I call it home.

Why then is it that i must depart from this new home. I feel like this choice is being forced upon me and if i don't follow the rules there is no way on earth ill return "home". I have this deep feelings despondency, bewilderment, distress in the pit of my stomach so much that the last two days i have gotten next to no sleep at all. Each school hour is another sixty minutes of thoughts of "home" and is "home" all a lie . Or maybe "home" is a shenanigan, or "home" didn't want to admit that i overstayed my welcome and wanted me out. Then one idea contradicts another, why would "home" not like some of the friends i brought in, maybe even be jealous. I know it has to be true everything my home has to offer.

I'd like to tell you that im fine, and nothing hurts at all. In fact i'll do just that. I have a desire and that is to know the truth, confirm the truth. Confirm everything i know about my home.I'm not saying i dont beleive in it, but im saying that i just want the confirmation that ill have a place to return... Unscathed by the marks of others.. but thats asking for a lot.


I'll return to the real world where everything is peachy. Because the depths of my mind and the holes in my heart are where the real battles is taking place. Normal people would never notice. this is as simple as i can put it without sounding stupid.

Try and understand.

You

If things continue to play out the way they are, I don't know if i can fully make it out of this one. But i'll make sure that you do.


I can't sleep, my muscles are tingling and the little stuffed dog sitting on my bed is the only thinking helping me relax. Why am i stressed? i've done nothing, yet i feel like i can make things right if i just try and do the right thing. Not thinking of myself, stuff these thoughts away like usual and furthering the day by waiting for my escapes. I feel like my homes drifting away from me, ironically finding a new place to settle down, people would try to force me in, but that only made things worse. They DO NOT understand anything thats going on, and every word that comes out of my mouth hasn't helped a bit. All i can offer up is tools to maybe make the pain go away and solve things. I can barely think right now, my hands are shaking terribly and my hearts racing. Maybe i should go for a run.


I'm offering myself up as a tool, not in the way most of you delinquents are thinking, to help you when you need it, and to be stored away when your done. I'm sort of use to that and i guess i know how to deal with it. This is about you more than it is me, so i'll do what it takes. Like i said ill store these away, there is no Tai wave, no tai boat. Just me,

and there's not much.