Another dream

I looked out the tiny rectangular window to the vast assortment of different colored  yellow lights, the darkness embodied most of my eyes, but i could still see the specks of yellow, hopelessly waiting to die out. flickering on and off when unused and unwanted, sometimes burning out then being replaced automatically with invisible hands. Every once in awhile a bulb would fall, leaving a loud popping sound and particles of glass being blown at my direction. I wanted to be in there, i wanted to be one of the lights u had to look up to see. The brightly colored neon blue lights that wouldn't die out. inrivaled in color and power, i wanted it.

I fell off somewhere on my way up the ladder, and i ended up being another broken bulb on the ground, sending my glass out to whoever is watching.



But no one is watching, thats how it is, thats how it always is.

The usual spots

The warm water would shutter out of the shower head and all i had in mind was getting ready to look good for you. 1) I would get to school early and get to the bottom of the stairs waiting for the second, just for a glimpse of you. I knew it was you every time, even with my eyes closed. I could see  my breath solidify before my eyes and all i would hear was my heartbeat, i'd surpress what i was feeling every morning in hopes that no one would notice. It undoubtedly worked... but at a price that was more degrading than it was benificial.

2) Id calm my nerves while i walked to second period. i could feel that familiar spine tingle in my back. I'd walk up the stares glanceing left and right repeatedly until i knew i would be the last ones in class. The air changed again and i could feel the euphoric sensation of just knowing i could see you in your little corner. Just knowing that i could turn around and say hi, without worrying.

speed things up im finding something

3) i'd slowly shuffle my way to lit in hopes of running into you.
4) Youd catch my eye crossing to the next door
5) The end of the day, a bitter sweet yet, warm goodbye.


And yet i was the pathetic one all along. scrambling around making a fool of myself. But what else is new. Around the same time last year, i found myself asking the same question. Who am i.

Now i'm asking myself the same thing, who am i. What have i become, have i become the very person disgusted me the most, or are peoples misconceptions getting the best of me. Who am i to you?

There are a plethora of girls out there, and there are handfuls out there for anyone, but there are few who make me feel like i'm home. Like i belong somewhere, that i'm not just another shadow. I have few close friends who i can tell anything, i realize that i still keep most of myself concealed, i don't know why really anymore. I want another chance, thats what i know. And i know what i feel right now. But i'm always a couple steps behind, and thats what makes me the person i am. I begin to think that maybe i was right in the first place. There is someone for everyone, but not everyone deserves someone, And for reasons unknown to me yet, i feel as if i don't deserve someone of such grace and refinement. Someone who's dynamism and disposition far exceeds standards that i put. Beauty isn't everything and i find that you are the perfect example of both worlds.. I like how u twitch your left eye when your thinking haha. or when your embarrassed you turn in the other direction and cross your feet. Or when you'd give me that look when i'd say something dumb.
I never set out to hurt anyone and in gods name i'd kill myself if i ever intentionally broke someones heart in cold blood. yet.. your apathy towards me just reminds me of my inadequacies.


A fitting consequence for my late decisions and realizations...
Seeing as you made up your mind, i see it best i hide away my feelings again, aimlessly waiting for another chance..

It's been almost 12 years now that i've known. Maybe if in late elementary school and early middle school i stopped calling you hot in hopes of pissing of austen, and told him the truth then too i wouldnt be here. Maybe if i manned up for once at the right time.. Would of, could of, should of.

Thats why im typing my insignificant feelings up here, because i didnt do things right the first time..

-Tai Aczon

To long,

Another day passes by, old memories flood my bedroom door like sunlight that pierces your blinds on sunday morning. Then they fade away as the moon hides itself behind dark looming clouds. Releasing my mind into the depths of the world and delving farther than i have ever thought. All these thoughts, as i space out, run through my head. And i can't help it. My mind races off, wondering, asking questions that don't contain a what if, but rather just if. I can't remember the last time i really posted something meaningful on here, i just havent taken the time to really  write without worry.

As we grow older, as each year, day, hour, minute, second passes by, We lose something. It doesnt matter what it is, a loved on, a cell, a phone, a pencil. We lose something... yet at the same time we gain. we obtain what we don't want, when we don't need it. To me there are things that i don't want to lose... and you are one of them. the actual one reading this, taking time to unwind and tie my thoughts up into your own comprehension. I don't want to lose my morals, and my ability to see between right and wrong. I don't want to lose my love for whats important. And i don't want to lose my bunny.... But no matter how much people criticize, or tell me im wrong for picking this one. I truly don't care. I am happy, and nobody is going to take that away from me. I know one day there will be an end, im well aware of that. Im only 17. But, for every loss there is a gain, and with that loss i gain the memories that have been bestowed upon me. There are things that you have done, that i can't and won't forget. No matter how you go about life, and even if im forgotten i can't forget the little things.

Pure thought, just the ability to think, means that there is something more to existing, whether god made us, or in lamens terms were made of stardust, this ability to think is what drives me , to be me. and at the best level i can be, i want to be better. so much to think about, and i have a lifetime to spread it out over..

Hopefully, you'll be my good friend in years to come. As annoying as i can be.. There s something in you that i can't pick and place, something i cant find in another person. And i don't want to lose that. I want to be able to go each day knowing that what i've obtained won't leave me... and im comfortable to say that in the time being it will be here. Your ability to keep going fascinates me, whther u think im silly or not. I want to be like you in that way. I want to be strong

I'm for a reason, and for that reason i don't know... this is just a light touch on a subject i want to pick up on later. Just know bunny... that wherever you go.. your always thought of highly on my end. Home is where your thought of most.... theres always room for you right here.

Lost my track, making my way back

Simply stated above.

Back once again rendering my thoughts vulnerable to the public because i don't know what else to do with them. A lot has been on my mind the past couple of days. Am i ok? no i'm not, i truly am not. But who else is there to blame. None other then myself.


I'm fading in and out of the thin line
Balancing all my sins and i can't deny
My first mistake don't be shy
Second mistake i have to be nice
Third  i let it get to my head
Fourth i kept thinking i was ahead
Five i lost site of the line
So i stepped off and now im falling behind
As you walk along floating further
I reach for your hand and i don't hear a murmur
A glare , a death stare
Shall i attempt to go further
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I am  to venture i want it all the same
Catch myself on the same line
I hope i can be strong enough in time
So once again i start off at home base
Different time same place.
Rejoicful if i can find your hand
Time to atone and time to plan
One more chance to be your man...

Something is missing

I have this deep Prickling pain in the pit of my stomach, and i feel it slithering it's slimy body up my esophogaus. I can't find whats missing, i know something is i just can't find it.

easy as 1 2 3

The only truth is the assumption that is beleived.
Hard times are just another way to prove your existence.
Real friends and emotions can come from the wierdest of places
212
It's the little things
Everyone has drama, but how you react determines how big it is
You will die one day
Paying some type of bill is in the forseeable future
loving every minute of my bunny
= all of that for free 99.

Waiting for my return home, priceless.




"I'm taking control of my life, what the fuck have you done?"- Gibson

Beleive

I refuse to be another lesson learned. I guess in a sense i knew what would happen from the beggining. And yet i stayed, because thats what i knew i wanted. I waited months for your return because I knew that's what was RIGHT.

I woke up with beads of sweat streaming down the right side of my face. The cool night air tumbled in through my open window and smashed its unforgiving breeze into my face. I was beyond freezing. I sprang from my bed to close the window, due to my clumsiness i tripped over my covers and i crashed into the floor. I looked down to see the light brown colored dog, with the white chest and a silly little rose sticking out of it's mouth. Thing saved my life, because there was a pair of scissors right under it ( i should clean my room). i got up and finally closed my window i noticed that the tropical ginger body mist was still outside where i threw it. I turned around to look in my cheap mirror and noticed i was unconsciously gripping the remaining two wooden beads in my hand. I shook my head and stepped forward.  There was a piercing pain that went all the way through my body to my heart. I threw up my foot to see a thumb tack. i turned the lights on and noticed a sort of frail piece of blond hair wrapped around. i Quickly new who's it was and i proceeded to throw it away. But instead i put it in my purple pouch with my broken wooden bracelet beads. I laid back down to the blue clock blinking 2:20 AM. Still gripping my bracelet i fell asleep.


Don't ever say that nobody out here isn't trying to reach out to you. OR everyone hates you. Because your forgetting the forgettables
I am becoming just a memory again, because u refuse to accept or just don't want to accept that the one of the few people who would get on his hands and knees to help, bow down to wrong and take it up the ass.

IS the same person who would listen to your every word. Cut an ugly line in his eye brow because you said it was cute. let you rip his chest open whether u actually could or not.


 Beleive me when i say, i love my bunny.
But take to heart when i say that we miss you. that i miss you.