I looked out the tiny rectangular window to the vast assortment of different colored yellow lights, the darkness embodied most of my eyes, but i could still see the specks of yellow, hopelessly waiting to die out. flickering on and off when unused and unwanted, sometimes burning out then being replaced automatically with invisible hands. Every once in awhile a bulb would fall, leaving a loud popping sound and particles of glass being blown at my direction. I wanted to be in there, i wanted to be one of the lights u had to look up to see. The brightly colored neon blue lights that wouldn't die out. inrivaled in color and power, i wanted it.
I fell off somewhere on my way up the ladder, and i ended up being another broken bulb on the ground, sending my glass out to whoever is watching.
But no one is watching, thats how it is, thats how it always is.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
The usual spots
The warm water would shutter out of the shower head and all i had in mind was getting ready to look good for you. 1) I would get to school early and get to the bottom of the stairs waiting for the second, just for a glimpse of you. I knew it was you every time, even with my eyes closed. I could see my breath solidify before my eyes and all i would hear was my heartbeat, i'd surpress what i was feeling every morning in hopes that no one would notice. It undoubtedly worked... but at a price that was more degrading than it was benificial.
2) Id calm my nerves while i walked to second period. i could feel that familiar spine tingle in my back. I'd walk up the stares glanceing left and right repeatedly until i knew i would be the last ones in class. The air changed again and i could feel the euphoric sensation of just knowing i could see you in your little corner. Just knowing that i could turn around and say hi, without worrying.
speed things up im finding something
3) i'd slowly shuffle my way to lit in hopes of running into you.
4) Youd catch my eye crossing to the next door
5) The end of the day, a bitter sweet yet, warm goodbye.
And yet i was the pathetic one all along. scrambling around making a fool of myself. But what else is new. Around the same time last year, i found myself asking the same question. Who am i.
Now i'm asking myself the same thing, who am i. What have i become, have i become the very person disgusted me the most, or are peoples misconceptions getting the best of me. Who am i to you?
There are a plethora of girls out there, and there are handfuls out there for anyone, but there are few who make me feel like i'm home. Like i belong somewhere, that i'm not just another shadow. I have few close friends who i can tell anything, i realize that i still keep most of myself concealed, i don't know why really anymore. I want another chance, thats what i know. And i know what i feel right now. But i'm always a couple steps behind, and thats what makes me the person i am. I begin to think that maybe i was right in the first place. There is someone for everyone, but not everyone deserves someone, And for reasons unknown to me yet, i feel as if i don't deserve someone of such grace and refinement. Someone who's dynamism and disposition far exceeds standards that i put. Beauty isn't everything and i find that you are the perfect example of both worlds.. I like how u twitch your left eye when your thinking haha. or when your embarrassed you turn in the other direction and cross your feet. Or when you'd give me that look when i'd say something dumb.
I never set out to hurt anyone and in gods name i'd kill myself if i ever intentionally broke someones heart in cold blood. yet.. your apathy towards me just reminds me of my inadequacies.
A fitting consequence for my late decisions and realizations...
Seeing as you made up your mind, i see it best i hide away my feelings again, aimlessly waiting for another chance..
It's been almost 12 years now that i've known. Maybe if in late elementary school and early middle school i stopped calling you hot in hopes of pissing of austen, and told him the truth then too i wouldnt be here. Maybe if i manned up for once at the right time.. Would of, could of, should of.
Thats why im typing my insignificant feelings up here, because i didnt do things right the first time..
-Tai Aczon
2) Id calm my nerves while i walked to second period. i could feel that familiar spine tingle in my back. I'd walk up the stares glanceing left and right repeatedly until i knew i would be the last ones in class. The air changed again and i could feel the euphoric sensation of just knowing i could see you in your little corner. Just knowing that i could turn around and say hi, without worrying.
speed things up im finding something
3) i'd slowly shuffle my way to lit in hopes of running into you.
4) Youd catch my eye crossing to the next door
5) The end of the day, a bitter sweet yet, warm goodbye.
And yet i was the pathetic one all along. scrambling around making a fool of myself. But what else is new. Around the same time last year, i found myself asking the same question. Who am i.
Now i'm asking myself the same thing, who am i. What have i become, have i become the very person disgusted me the most, or are peoples misconceptions getting the best of me. Who am i to you?
There are a plethora of girls out there, and there are handfuls out there for anyone, but there are few who make me feel like i'm home. Like i belong somewhere, that i'm not just another shadow. I have few close friends who i can tell anything, i realize that i still keep most of myself concealed, i don't know why really anymore. I want another chance, thats what i know. And i know what i feel right now. But i'm always a couple steps behind, and thats what makes me the person i am. I begin to think that maybe i was right in the first place. There is someone for everyone, but not everyone deserves someone, And for reasons unknown to me yet, i feel as if i don't deserve someone of such grace and refinement. Someone who's dynamism and disposition far exceeds standards that i put. Beauty isn't everything and i find that you are the perfect example of both worlds.. I like how u twitch your left eye when your thinking haha. or when your embarrassed you turn in the other direction and cross your feet. Or when you'd give me that look when i'd say something dumb.
I never set out to hurt anyone and in gods name i'd kill myself if i ever intentionally broke someones heart in cold blood. yet.. your apathy towards me just reminds me of my inadequacies.
A fitting consequence for my late decisions and realizations...
Seeing as you made up your mind, i see it best i hide away my feelings again, aimlessly waiting for another chance..
It's been almost 12 years now that i've known. Maybe if in late elementary school and early middle school i stopped calling you hot in hopes of pissing of austen, and told him the truth then too i wouldnt be here. Maybe if i manned up for once at the right time.. Would of, could of, should of.
Thats why im typing my insignificant feelings up here, because i didnt do things right the first time..
-Tai Aczon
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